Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (re-release)
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What unique perspective does Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile offer on relationship expectations?
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You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Romantic relationships are hard, and it is natural that problems will arise. But what if I told you that everything we think we know about what causes the problems in our relationships is wrong, and that if we reject what we think we know, we'll make our relationships better? Couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates-Aña Buile digs into this fascinating new perspective on relationships in the talk she gave last year at TED Next, one of TED's flagship conferences. This talk gives you a glimpse into what kinds of eye-opening ideas are shared at TED Next. Thank you so much for joining us.
I'd love for you to be there. And if you want to join this community and are curious about what your future holds for your relationships, your career, for your understanding of the world, learn more about TED Next at ted.com slash daily next. There's so much more than just the talks.
How do societal norms negatively impact our relationships?
There's activities, dinners, immersive experiences. So be sure to learn more at ted.com slash daily next. And now on to Stephanie's talk.
I'm a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend. I'm talking about everything from The Notebook to Twilight to a show some of you may remember called The Flavor of Love. It's a reality competition show where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav. I think about relationships a lot, and something that comes up a lot in my work is this belief that relationships are hard. And we believe that due to one primary reason. Our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do. Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. OK, I said honestly, OK? I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together.
Would you think to yourself, it sounds like they have some serious issues?
What signs indicate you might be with the wrong partner?
If we're honest, a lot of us would. And it's not because we're not open-minded, but we've been taught that these are warning signs for a relationship in trouble. And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case. Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner, as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short. Now, before we really get into this, I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact that we may be with the wrong person. And that will be clear if your deepest desire is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are.
You really want them to be a different person. But if you're confident that you're with the right person, and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one. I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises. I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year, and when they first came to me, they said, we're 95 percent good, we just want to address the five percent. And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple. It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing. They were struggling to make a blended family work.
How can couples benefit from rejecting traditional relationship norms?
One partner had kids, the other one had never lived with kids before, and they moved in together after only knowing each other for three months. One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back, they'd called off their wedding. But why? Their love was honestly, it was evident, and they were not cruel to each other. Their issue was figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers, who, to be honest, already had two very involved parents.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What unique perspective does Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile offer on relationship expectations?
0:00–1:48
2
How do societal norms negatively impact our relationships?
1:48–2:59
3
What signs indicate you might be with the wrong partner?
2:59–4:35
4
How can couples benefit from rejecting traditional relationship norms?
4:35–6:04
5
What real-life example illustrates the benefits of living apart?
6:04–7:35
6
How do individual differences affect relationship dynamics?
7:35–9:03
7
What unconventional strategies can improve communication in relationships?
9:03–10:46
8
How can embracing differences lead to stronger relationships?
10:46–12:08
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from TED Talks Daily
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