Chapter 1: What does Bryan mean by a 'toot n snoot'?
oh yes my last name is s as in stool sample m as in yum yum yum i as in ichabod crane the headless horseman t as in titty twister and h as in homicide or headless horseman on this episode of the commercial break
Maybe it's because I know how miserable working through a drive-thru is. I don't want to subject people to that. Maybe it's because I don't like to sit in that fucking line and be bothered by everybody in front and in back of me. But, I mean, they still would have seen the white powder.
But then at least, you know, oh, Brian's having a little quick, you know, toot and snoot before he gets his weekend started. Yeah, a little morning toot and snoot.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
and kittens welcome back to the commercial break i'm brian green this is the damsel certainly not in distress kristen joy holy best to you chrissy best to you brian best to you out there in the podcast universe thanks for joining us i know are you feeling are you feeling convivial i am feeling convivial today thank you for sharing me sharing with me the wonderful world of conviviality now i'm gonna use that word every third word so i can make myself sound important chrissy important
I saw like a very distressing ad on Instagram the other day. How long have you had your your mattress for your current mattress?
Oh, we got it during the pandemic. So four years.
OK, so not that long. Not that long. What about your pillows?
No, I change those out pretty regularly. Like once a year. Once a year? Yeah. Once a year? Well, there's some special.
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Chapter 2: How often should you change your pillows?
You need the neck support or you will wake up with a crick in your neck.
Is that the correct terminology? A crick in your neck?
Yes.
I don't know. Who came up with that? What is a crick and why is it in your neck? I know what a crick is on Mountain Monsters. That's a small body of water flowing north to south. But I don't know what a crick in your neck is. But I've never known. But I'll tell you what, when I go to the chiropractor, he gets that crick right out of my neck. Yeah, they do.
I hear it. Oh, yeah. The neck pop at the chiropractor. I love it. Oh, me too.
Oh, it's the best thing in the world. It's sweet relief. It's just sweet relief. It's like I live for the neck crack because I can't do it on my own. A lot of the back stuff I can figure out how to do on my own. And I'm a back cracker, man. I'm always twisting my back. It's always some kind of fucked up. And so I've learned a lot of exercises and stretches.
Yeah, foam roller is good for that too.
to get into those deep spots. But that neck one, I used to be able to pop my neck, like just pull it and pop it. And I loved it because if I was feeling a little out of whack, I could pop it and then it felt much better. But I lost that ability. I don't know what happened to my neck or something. Maybe it's because I'm going to a chiropractor and it's not so fucked up anymore. I don't know.
Anyway, I saw an ad for a something. I'm not going to mention the name here. I'm not giving away free advertising. We're barely getting paid advertising. But what I saw disturbed me because the person who looked like a doctor, they had the doctor's outfit on. They said that after two years, almost 20% of the weight of the pillow is dust mites and dust mite shit.
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Chapter 3: What are the effects of dust mites on your sleep?
Of all the things I got going on in my life that I have to be stressed about, what I'm really stressed about is not making my bed. That's what I'm stressed about. I cannot take it any longer.
Well, it's the things you can control.
Yes, it's one of the things that I can control in my life. You're right about that. And it's something that also makes me feel very good when I walk into my room. I don't know. I work from the house, obviously. But I go into my room multiple times a day. Sometimes I take phone calls in there. Whatever I'm doing, I want to go watch five seconds worth of TV before one of my kids screams at me.
Whatever it is, when I go in there, there is some level of satisfaction. Absolutely. Absolutely. Love. I am so madly in love with my wife, but I'm equally and madly in love with my maid bed. I don't know how to say it any other way. It's just the way that I feel.
That is important. It really is. You spend half your life there.
Yeah.
I don't know if it's half.
I don't know.
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Chapter 4: What is 'hangxiety' and how does it affect you?
What are the single people doing? The people without kids? I don't know. They spend half their life in there. That's what I feel like. Yeah.
yeah you see all these kids tick talking and twittering and all that instagramming or whatever it is insta-ing and i'm telling you what they're all in bed i've seen there's no podcast where people are just laying in bed who's that girl you seen the girl what's her name you know i'm talking about the girl everyone's crazy about it almost dated drake or they broke up or you know i'm talking i can't remember the girl's name no she's doing a podcast for bed well so did megan malali and uh her husband did a podcast that was all in bed yeah
Well, was the bed made is all I got to know. That's my question. They were laying down in the covers? They were in it, yeah. Oh, wow. Listen, I just cannot get on board with this. No matter how sick it's going to eventually make me, I'm going to continue to make my bed as long as these hands will pull up the covers.
I guarantee you the people that are living to these, you know, great old ages. Make their bed. Make their bed. Most likely make their bed and have been sleeping on older pillows.
My mental health is so much more important than dust mites. Than your physical health. Than my physical health. That's right. Listen, this body's going to go. It's already gone. There's no use for it anymore. But this mind, this mind is still 50% of what it was at its heyday. And I got to keep it that way. That's right.
And so I can't be worrying when I'm out there in the wild jungle of, you know, dodging Karens and Starbuck idiots and, you know, driving like morons. When I have to go out there in the world, it's a very big and scary place for everyone right now. When I have to go out there, I often think about my maid bed. That's what I think about.
I don't think about it. But even if I'm running late, I will quickly make the bed. I did it today. Oh, yeah. I was like, got to make that bed.
When I have God bless this child, I don't know why she stays with me. I will make the bed, no matter what, I will make the bed. And I do chores. I'm not afraid of any of that stuff. Housework, as much as I'm allowed to, I go in on it. But most, at least weekdays, I go in to do the morning pastor conference with the kids. You do, yeah, in the bathroom.
In my bathroom with my coffee and my important reading materials. And the kids come in and stand around me. The toilet. Yeah. And we all talk. We conversate. When I'm giving my morning press conference, Astrid's making that bed because that's what she does. She just comes in and she makes the bed. This is just nothing like it. It fills my heart with joy that she took the time to do that.
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Chapter 5: How does Bryan's experience with acne shape his humor?
We'll get a hold of you and let you know how you can get on the show. Also, add The Commercial Break on Instagram and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.
I think so.
But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
I take a dick and keep on lickin'.