Chapter 1: What breaking news does Bryan share at the start?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled WSHIT program to bring you this breaking news special report. Brian Green, local Crabapple resident, creator, and co-host of one of the least successful comedy podcasts ever to be published, has been awake for over three hours staring at Instagram on his phone. For the latest, we now go inside Brian's brain.
I just got sent a weird DM by a follower of mine. They were like, hey, are you okay? You disappeared. And I'm like, no, I'm still here posting stuff. What the hell? What the heck does that mean? And I just sent them a bunch of messages and they've gone like dead silent on me. Instagram, what is happening? Seriously, what the hell? This is weird as heck.
whatever local officials for the township are aware of this situation and are telling crab apple residents while brian has reached maximum delusion he is generally a harmless idiot we'll keep you abreast of any changes and we'll be back after this commercial break on this episode of the commercial break
Zero frame.
Chapter 2: How does Bryan feel about the new Frankie B?
This is the first time you really haven't been in shape, so it's not something you... What happened to the couch cushions? Now we're moving them around.
I didn't do it.
God did it. Positively. Flip it, flap it, let it go, all right? Jesus, Chrissy is fucking killing me over here.
Trying to talk to the guys.
All you're doing is yab, yab, yab, yab, yab.
Comfortable with and you feel powerful and things of that nature. So you're not leading. She doesn't feel like she's being led. So those muscles mean nothing if she's not being led. Muscles. Where's your leash?
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Chapter 3: What bad dating advice does Pauly Couch Cushions give?
You got to get a leash.
You got to get a collar and a leash. You got to be led. You know what I'm saying? She wants to be led like a little doggy. Ruff, ruff. You know what I'm saying? God said it. I didn't say it. Fuck that. Come on, let's go.
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Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break.
Chapter 4: How does Bryan's wife influence his perspective on Venezuelans?
I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
Best to you, Brian.
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I was at maybe it was a coffee shop. Maybe it was Starbucks. I was up there and I was talking to somebody, some guy that was standing there. And he had I forgot how the conversation started. He had like a bag of plantains or something. And he was mentioning something about coffee. And I said, oh, you got some plantains. My wife is Venezuelan.
She likes plantains. To which he replied, oh, your wife is Venezuelan.
Chapter 5: What controversies surround the show Polly Family?
And I said, yes, she is. And he goes, oh. Well, she must have. That was a really probably a really tough childhood she had. And I said, what do you mean? And he goes, well, I know there's a lot of starving children there. And, you know, the education system isn't so good. And I said, are you are you a moron?
This is the thing you get when you get when you have a bi nationality, when you have a mixed family. Right. People and listen, I know I've been guilty of this in my past, too. So in my head, at least I don't usually say these words out loud, but people make these huge umbrella assumptions about Venezuelans. It's not Ethiopia in the 1980s.
Venezuela was one of the richest countries on Earth before Hugo Chavez took over and decided to suck all that money from the Venezuelan people. It's also one of the most educated countries on Earth.
Chapter 6: How does the conversation shift to dating dynamics?
My wife has two master's degrees. I have a master in nothing. I barely went to school. I barely made it through school. And my wife had a relatively, generally speaking, normal childhood and grew up in a middle class home and, you know, very nice things. Caracas, I hear, is one of the most beautiful places on earth.
But the assumption sometimes that is made when I say that my wife is Venezuelan... Is that I took some, you know, poor.
You adopted her.
I adopted her out of poverty. And the uneducated poor woman that I adopted. And this is not. What's that movie with Julia Roberts?
Pretty Woman.
This is not Pretty Woman.
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Chapter 7: What are the three reasons you're not getting laid even when in shape?
I didn't pull her up out of there. She pulled me up out of poverty. That is true. I pulled her into poverty is what happened. Okay. All right. She was doing just fine until she met me. This isn't like a sympathy plea that I made because I'd like to bring home straight cats. Astrid is well-educated, well-spoken, well-to-do. I mean, well-to-do in a general sense, right? She's middle class.
But I hate it when people just make these stupid assumptions. I know. And he was like, how did you guys communicate at first? And I was like, with words. What do you mean, how do we communicate?
Yeah.
Unlike the United States of America, Venezuela is not under the assumption that everybody in the world is going to speak Espanola.
And she wasn't like a mail order bride. Yes. You were communicating with like a translator from her computer in like a shack.
That's right. Somewhere. I didn't pay per minute to text her and have it translated.
Yeah.
I didn't take a tour bus around the country to dance halls looking for women. I mean, I didn't do that. We met through a mutual friend.
That's 90 Day Fiancé.
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Chapter 8: How does the discussion conclude on masculinity and relationships?
But it's just like, you know, it goes without saying that Venezuela is taking a lot of heat right now, thanks to some people elected voters. duly into office, that Venezuela is taking a lot of heat. And that, particularly Trump, has flip-flopped a lot on Venezuela. When he was in office last time, he wanted to protect the Venezuelans from the communist government.
Now the Venezuelans are invading the United States of America. They are more educated. They are harder working. Do you know that almost 75% of all working-class male Venezuelan immigrants are working in That's more than any other population domesticated or undomesticated in the United States. They are educated, highly educated, by and large. A lot of them speak the language.
It's just kind of silly. They're silly assumptions. And I know we make these assumptions about a lot of different types of people. It's not just Venezuelans. It happens to be the one that's close to my family. But it just drives me up a fucking wall. I just wanted to know if you liked plantains, dude.
Yeah.
Christina Amanyanpour, I didn't need your world dissertation on the state of Venezuela. Really, honestly. I think that, you know, we could probably learn a little bit more from people who want to better themselves and better their family. Here's the point. Here's the point that I've been making for a long time, long before we became so tribalized.
And long before I met my Venezuelan wife, because I had Venezuelan friends who were essentially my family. That's how I got into the Venezuelan culture and how I met my wife. Geography and where you're born, your nationality, is really a lottery. And when you think about it, that's the only way to describe it. It is like a universal lottery.
you win or you don't win, you're here or you're there kind of lottery. You don't choose where you're born and you don't choose to whom you're born and you don't choose which lines you're born within or without. You don't.
So the fact that a lot of people, especially it seems like right now, get fired up about that imaginary line in the sand and whether or not someone has crossed it or will cross it to make a better life for themselves generally is, then I say fuck you, because it's a lottery, and you won it this go-round, but what happens if you don't win it next go-round, if you believe in that kind of shit?
And what happens if someday that imaginary line in the sand... moves to the other side of you to not include you. Right? Because, you know, United States is the greatest country on earth. I firmly believe that, but maybe it's not always going to be. And maybe you're going to want to go somewhere else.
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