Chapter 1: What does 'I f*** like a Ford Ranger' mean?
People always ask me, are you an extrovert or an introvert? Actually, I'm a pervert.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
If you're ever in that situation, you need to have a line ready to go. And that line needs to include what kind of car you look like and what kind of car you fuck like. So for me, I would say my old Honda Accord is what I look like. And for me, I would say I also fuck like my old Honda Accord.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
It's 30 in the morning! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene, and this is the notorious K-I-G. Chris, enjoy it. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there on the podcast.
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Chapter 2: How do you prepare for a radio sales meeting?
K-I-G?
K-I-G.
Kitty, cat, in charge. K-I-C. That's what I said, actually. Did I say G or did I say C?
I can't remember.
It threw me off.
You're the kitty cat in charge here. How's the sex life? How's the sex life with Jeff? How are you guys doing over there? I need a check-in. I need a check-in from the cameras that I pretend are at your house.
What are you guys doing over there?
Rompin' and rollin'?
Well, he's doing a lot of traveling right now. So what is it? So are you guys doing sex messages and stuff?
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Chapter 3: What are the challenges of being a swinger?
I want to see what he's working with.
It's all for the show, Jeff. It's all for the show. Jeff's like, I swear to God, talks about my dick one more time.
We're going to have to have a tough conversation in this house about who actually makes money and who doesn't.
In that size competition, I promise you, I'm not winning. That's okay, though. Never been particularly good with business. Here I am today. You know, it was funny because Odyssey is our network. Yes. And, you know, we've said a lot on – we always talk about how we're broke as a joke and all this other stuff. And that is true. I'm not exaggerating in any way, shape, or form about that.
But, you know, we've had a couple of podcast networks now, and they've all been wonderful in their own way. But Odyssey really has been good to us. It's a – It's an upper echelon. Yeah, it's – they're a big company, and they know how to – you know, they really know how to tackle –
things in general like business they get the business right they got stuff and things that i like they're professionals they are professionals through and through so i the other day i get onto a sales phone call it's like a meet and greet it's like hey how you doing and you know how's everything going and here's the sales team that's out there trying to get people to jump on your podcast
Here's the people who are mysteriously slipping in the commercial break on the invoices. Hey, what's this? Bundling, that's right. Save 30% or more when you bundle. The 30% you save is the commercial break. Hey, it's Jenny over here at the podcast agency. I'm just reviewing these last Q1 invoices and I see something called TCB minus $1,000. What does that mean?
It means we're giving you a discount for running on the commercial break. Yeah, I think we'll save the discount. Go ahead and charge us full if you can take us off that.
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Chapter 4: What happened at the Madonna concert?
We'd appreciate it. But there are, like, number three comedy podcasts in Atlanta. Yeah, we're really not. We're not interested. We're not interested. Thanks, though. As a matter of fact, call all our businesses.
if they're on your network just go ahead and pull all the business uh so great great group of people but the question is like it's a meet and greet so it's like hey how did you and chrissy meet and become a podcast and so then i gotta go through the embarrassing conversation about how we met at your competitor
And so I make this really, I have this really boneheaded line that I say, and it's been with me all week. And I swear to God, it has. I said, I said, you know, I got into radio because I wanted to be in radio, not because I wanted to do radio sales. And then I realized I'm sitting in front of like 30 radio sales people.
That's not how I meant it. You know what I meant? So I said, because I'm not good at radio sales, you know?
But I just felt like all weekend I was like, God, Brian, you know, if there's an open mouth, you sure do know how to stick a foot in it. I mean, honestly. I didn't want to get into radio. Yeah, but they were great because they're really good to us and they're really smart about how they go about selling the show, which don't mention the commercial race.
Like I said, bundle it. Just say, we've got a great Cromedy podcast. It's Cromedy. It's crap comedy. It's Cromedy. Cromedy. Yeah, they have a whole new way of doing things. They've got a new Apple category called Cromedy, and it's just got the commercial break in.
Crappy comedy. We're at the top of that chart. We're at the top of the Cromedy podcast chart. And we have been for years. I will have you know. So then I say this, and this is something that is true. I'll share this with you. So I say, what is the podcast all about? That's a pretty typical question and a very difficult one to answer. It is, yeah.
I don't know, Mountain Monster, Teresa Caputo, Brian washing his ass, you know. Leg soap. I don't know what it's about. Chrissy and Jeff's sex life. Chrissy and Jeff's sex life. I'm not even sure. But I did get an interesting text message from someone months ago, probably late last year. And they said, you know, I've come to realize that your show at the end of the day is really about friendship.
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Chapter 5: How does Ticketmaster influence ticket prices?
And that's why I like it. It's about friendship. It's like me and my friends sitting around shooting the shit. And it reminds me of that. And that's why I like it. I feel like you're my friend. And we're just having a rap about whatever. And that's how friendship goes. It is, yeah. You just sit down, you have a beer, whatever it is you like to do. Beer, an eight ball of cocaine. Ketchup on life.
Heroin. And then you just have a ketchup, a quick ketchup while you're nodding out. Or your nose is bleeding. Whatever it is, you know. Whatever. Yeah. And... So I've started to tell people that the show is just about friendship. That's really what it's about. It's about Chrissy and I's friendship and as weird as it may be in the stories that we have.
And then I said, then I go, you know, it's about whatever you want to talk about. Weird internet oddities, you know, timely topical stuff, news articles, things you did in the past, that one time you threw up in the garbage can. And then I go, don't pretend you didn't throw up in the garbage can because you work in radio and I know you did. And everybody was like, Swear to God, it was like this.
Crickets. Yeah. So anyway, so you probably won't be hearing many sponsors in the show from now on, but I just wanted to thank you.
Chapter 6: What are the consequences of class action lawsuits against artists?
I wonder if we were on like the kind of the tail end of the wild and crazy radio sales partying. Do you think so? I think that in any industry where there are people 20 to 60, where there's close, intense working going on, especially in sales, there's always going to be that bit of, I have to let loose. The pressure. Yeah, the pressure. It builds and it's got to let loose somewhere.
And I think that lets loose when you go out at night. At a bar. Yeah, at a bar. Three in the afternoon on a Monday. I don't know if it's anything like where we worked. You know, 1 p.m. on a Sunday, we'd all be in the office. But just because someone happened to get a gram of cocaine. Rochambeau, buddy. Rochambeau.
So, you know, I do think that to a certain degree, I think everybody has experienced this in some way, shape or form. If you've been in an office environment or a restaurant or a place where you work closely with other people, if you're the social type, you want to get out there and talk about the manager that sucks. And you kind of have to be the social type to be in sales. Yeah.
Oh, that's true. Well, I don't know. A couple of people we worked with. I think they were in the social type like, you know, let me go meet somebody I can chop up and bury in my basement later. Yeah, that's true. Do you remember... I'm not going to say the name, obviously. And I did end up liking him.
But do you remember the older, weird gentleman that we worked with that had all the strip clubs as his... Okay. And... As his clients. As clients. Yeah. And he loved me and I loved him eventually. But at first I didn't know how to take him because he was really an odd character. Very odd. He had weird mannerisms. He spoke in a weird way. And he would come in and be like, he would like twitch.
Yeah, I never formed a close bond with him. He'd be like, hey, the purple elephant wants $50,000 worth of advertising on the internet. What can you put together? And I was like, I don't know. I don't even know what we're selling yet. So never. What are we doing here? I thought I was going to be on radio. So sure. Take that $50,000. Put that on the projections.
Double it and put it on the projections.
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Chapter 7: What is the significance of friendship in this podcast?
Exactly.
So the first time he invited me out, he invited me to the Purple Elephant or whatever it was, right? Let's go to the Purple Elephant. They're my client. They'll take care of us. My wife and I go there all the time. I thought to myself, well, that's a pretty liberal relationship. Good for you. He's an older gentleman. He's probably in his late 50s when we knew him. And he had been in radio.
He was the one who would tell us the stories.
Yeah.
That there was a fax machine at some point in the 90s. I keep on throwing my pen across the room and I really don't know why. It's like I have tartar dyskinesia or something. Yeah, there was a fax machine where orders would just flow. The money was flowing. Yes.
He said there was a time when he would get there at 9 a.m., there would be orders already on the fax machine, and it would not stop rolling. People would just be faxing PO after PO. And he also said... We miss those days. We miss those days, and now we had to beg people to advertise on this medium.
Yes.
So he invites me and I said, yes. And I don't think you and I were quite like BFFs yet. Right. Because I'm sure you would have been there with me. I actually think I was still married at the time. And he said, come with me. It's going to be a fun time. So I talked to my wife, ex-wife, who had also at the time been to strip clubs with me. And I said, hey, let's go to the Purple Elephant.
This guy's got like a VIP treatment the whole nine yards. And for whatever reason, she was like, no, I don't want to go. Probably because she was with a divorce attorney planning the paperwork.
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Chapter 8: How do personal stories enhance the podcast experience?
But it doesn't matter what time you go to a strip club. There's always people in there. At least in Atlanta. At least in my experience. So we're all sitting around. And then I get the weirdest... that I had heard up until that point regarding my sex life. He said, you know, me and my wife are swingers. And I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. In my mind, it's like a bar.
That's what's going on in my mind. I'm like, oh, no. But I said politely, hey, thanks anyway. I'm married. Did he say, would you like to join us? No. He didn't have to say it. It was implied. Yeah. In the declarative sentence was also a question you just had to read between the lines, or at least that's where my mind went.
Right.
And so I use my wife as a convenient excuse. First of all, no fucking way. I mean, there's just no fucking way. We are all getting older. We're all going to be there at some point. But this was not the point at which I needed to go there. Right. Take the next step. I am not in the what's that place down in Florida that we're going to go retire the villages. I am not in the villages quite yet.
So I say, hey, thanks, man. But I'm married and that's not in the program. Like, well, at least it wasn't in my program. At least I wasn't aware it was in the program at the time. Yeah. So I said no. And so afternoon goes on. Now we're like shift change, five o'clock. Now I'm nice and saucy, right? Of course.
And all of a sudden his wife, like we were sitting next to each other at the table, girls dancing. And while this girl was dancing in front of me, I'm not a huge lap dance guy. Like, you know, I don't need you to get on my lap and everything. I'm not sure if you wash your legs or not. So But the wife starts sliding her hand into my inner thigh.
And for the first time and the last time, because now I'm at an age where I would welcome that kind of attention. But I took my hand and I was like, oh, no. Yeah. And she leans over and she says this. I may not look like a Cadillac, but I fuck like a Ford Ranger.
Yeah.
And I had no idea what that meant. None. It made no sense. And I'll never forget the line. And I'll never forget how quickly I asked if I had a tab, if I needed to pay it. I excused myself from the glitter-soaked, wonderfully smelling woman that was in front of me, and I left the building. I remember, I got a cab. I left my car there, and I had to get my ex-wife.
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