Chapter 1: What did Bryan learn about the importance of education?
So excited for our date, I've been saving up all week. Oh, that's nice of you, but I don't mind splitting the bill. I'm not talking about the bill.
On this episode of The Commercial Break...
money for a hundred dollar item at the back of the walmart you know what i'm saying so i'm glad they have that drop-off zone for facebook it's literally called the facebook marketplace drop-off zone so i'm wondering if i'm a sperm donor if i could live donate sperm in the front of the police department and just say i'm hey it's your safe safe place it's your safe zone for me to drop off my goods the next episode of the commercial break starts now
back to the commercial break i'm brian green this is the spots to my tiger kristen joy holdley best to you chrissy best to you brian best to you out there in the podcast universe i think leopards have a spot oh tigers don't have spots i think tigers have stripes they do they do oh i should have paid more attention at school right to your tiger you're the stripe to my tiger you're the stripe to my tiger or the spot to your leopard whatever who cares
I should have paid attention more in school. I should have actually attended school, and then maybe I would have learned some of those things. But, you know, you can't go back in the past, or so they say. I just read an article. This is like terrifying. This is like my, besides having a tooth cracked out of my head while I'm wide awake, my next living nightmare is falling from great heights.
Falling from any height, really. Heights, in general, are my worst living nightmare, unless I'm in a building. That's a lot of people.
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Chapter 2: How does Bryan describe his fear of heights?
We've talked about this before. Yeah, it's not a particularly uncommon fear or phobia to have. And I've got it. And so does my son. And I think my two daughters are not afflicted with that fear because they'll climb up and down a ladder or be near high places. And it doesn't seem to bother them. My son, on the other hand, he's got that verified Brian look on his face.
Whenever he goes more than two steps up the ladder, he's like, I agree with you, son. Just get down. Don't bother. Yeah. Don't try and be brave here. Just get down. Forget about it. you can live life without going to high places without security fences or walls or anything like that.
Chapter 3: What is the story behind Bryan's experience with falling?
There's a famous Canyon in Washington. It's been picked. It's been photographed a lot. And I'm sure if you saw it, then you would see the bridge and you would understand a lot of people. Washington state, Washington state. They, uh, They bungee jump off of this quite a bit, even though I don't think it's legal anymore. They bungee jump off of it.
Teenagers will often try and make it down into this gorge that is 400 feet off the ground. The bridge is 400 feet off the ground. That is a little less than 40 stories. 40 fucking stories in the air. A 19-year-old over the weekend trying to traverse this canyon fell 400 feet down.
and survived with like scratches and bruises how do you do that how do you do that who get this kid send him to my house take his blood transfuse it into mine i want to know first of all how do you even have the bravery to get up there and start trying to climb down this particular you know path or whatever you want second of all how do you survive something like that well you're 19 well i was 19 19
That's how you have the bravery to do that first.
Well, that's true.
Yeah. And then I don't know, maybe there was like a rolling, like a, you know, like a roly poly.
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Chapter 4: What unusual topic does Bryan discuss related to sperm donation?
It kind of like. Yeah.
Like a little weasel or something. Just roll yourself up and into a ball and bounce a couple of times into the ravine. You know, I was 19 once. And now that I think about it, I did a lot of drugs when I was 19. I think that's taking about just as much risk as traversing a 400 foot cliff. You never know what's in it.
You know, I think I took a lot of risks, similar parity as far as life and death are concerned. I just never thought of it like that. I don't know what it is, but the thought, the sight, the feel of being high up, it paralyzes, literally, physically paralyzes me.
I'm not like that. But, however, I also don't want to go jump off a bridge at 40 feet, you know, 400 feet.
No.
I'm good on that. But I'll go to a high roller coaster.
High roller coaster all day long. I don't care about that. Yeah, I trust that, you know, only once in a million does a freak accident happen where you would actually fall off of a roller coaster. Most of the time you're just stuck in some weird position, which I wouldn't like. But at the same time, I would know that help is coming at some point, right? So roller coasters don't bother me.
Tall buildings, as long as I'm not like right at the window, I'm okay.
You and I did a Ferris wheel one time.
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Chapter 5: How does Bryan relate his experiences to reality TV shows?
What agriculture and carnivals have to do with each other, I have no idea. But you can look for a disease in a corn, but can you really know whether or not there should be an extra screw in my carnival ride? I mean, I've been down rabbit holes on the internet and Instagram and TikTok where it's just reel after reel of nightmare carnival accidents.
Like, you know, an arm flies off of one of those swinging rides and people just go flying across the area.
That's probably not helping your fears.
No, of course not. It's just reassuring me that my fear is legit. I think this is legit. I don't know where it came from. You know, probably some pre-man ape was up high on a cliff somewhere and said, oh, this doesn't feel good. You know, saying, ah, this isn't natural. Let's go backwards. But now I am afflicted with it. It is genetic.
Chapter 6: What insights does Bryan share about hiking the Appalachian Trail?
I'm sure I passed it down to at least one of my children. And, you know, here's the thing. Let me share a story with you. When I was... Story time with Uncle Brian. That's the wrong noise altogether. There we go. Story time with Brian. I like the beep beep.
You like the beep beep better? Okay, we can go with that.
It's a car crash waiting to happen. Story time with Brian. When I was like 23, 24 years old, you know, Six Flags or at whatever your local amusement park is, they have those big swings. It looks like a big arch, and then they pull you up to one side way high in the air, and then you pull the string, and you go flying. Swing back and forth. Swing back and forth.
Six Flags over Georgia installed one of those one year, and now it's like a permanent attraction there. And it's pretty high up in the air. I'm going to guess 20 stories is my guess. Yeah. And like a lot of dumb shit in my life, I do it to spite other people. Like I do it when people think I can't do it, then I do it just to spite them. Right. No, that's not true. I'm not afraid of heights.
I can get on there and I can do that. And so I was with my best friend Raphael at the time. And he says, dude, you don't have to do this. Like, you know, I can go on the ride by myself. And it's a two person thing, but one person can go on it.
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Chapter 7: What are the challenges of live sperm donation discussed?
And I'm like, no, no, no, bro. I'm not as scared of heights as I say I am. I can really do this. This is fine. It's cemented to the ground. I'll be OK. And he says, bro, you don't have to prove anything. You don't want to do it. Don't do it. And I'm like, fuck you. I'm doing it. So he goes, he pays the extra 50 bucks or whatever it is to do this particular ride.
And then we have a time to come back. So it's maybe 45 minutes later, hour later, we're supposed to come back. As the clock keeps ticking, tick-tock, tick-tock, I get more and more nervous about this whole experience. And by the time it's time for us to go get ready to get on this ride where they strap you in, my legs aren't working. I'm not able to walk very well.
That's how physically crippled I get by the fear of heights. And so we get on this little stand. The stand raises up so that they can attach you to the string. Right. They put this big suit on you and you're it looks like I don't know. I don't know how to explain. It's like a big mat they put on you so that when they lift you up, you're just together.
Two people together on this hanging mat, 20 feet in the air, which is not normal for human beings. You're not supposed to be up there. So he's lifting us up on this little platform. I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree. Raphael looks over at me. We're very close. We're like tied together, basically. And he's like, bro, you don't look good. And I'm like, bro, it's okay. Like, I'll do it.
He's like, you have a chance right now to just say you don't want to do this. Brian, don't do this.
Yeah.
At every step, my crippling anxiety is overridden by the incredible ego I have at 20, 20, 24 years old. I just know I have to do this. I have to prove Raphael wrong and myself right that I can do this. So the guy attaches us. And when he attaches us, he says, I'm going to lower the platform. And as I lower the platform, you guys are going to go from standing up to laying down.
You're just going to swing and it's just going to lay you down. So this is all being videotaped, by the way, for posterity's sake, because of course it is, just like when I went skydiving. So this is all being videotaped for future embarrassment of Brian.
Right, okay.
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Chapter 8: How do whales impact boating experiences in the Mediterranean?
And the guy down on the platform who's not even reached the ground yet is like, bro, you okay? You sure you won't do this? And I'm like, I got it. I'm good. Thumbs up. I got it. I'm good. So then the string starts pulling us upward. So now you're face down and it's pulling you upward 200 feet in the air. Chrissy, Chrissy, the noises that I was making. Rafa was a psychiatrist at that point.
He was my therapist. I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Rafa's like, breathe, bro. Breathe through your third eye and through your chakra, down through your anus. Breathe, breathe. And I'm like, stop telling me to breathe. Stop telling me to breathe. We get up to the very top. The guy told us. I was on the side with the little puller because Rafa was like, you be the puller.
That way, when you're comfortable, you go. So the guy told us. He said, listen, when you get up to the top, there's going to be a loudspeaker. I'm going to tell you it's good to pull. You can pull any time after that. It took... Nine and a half minutes for me to pull that thing. Nine and a half minutes. At some point, the guy down with the microphone said, hey, bro, you got to pull it, bro.
You got to pull it. There's other people waiting in line. You got to pull it. We'll bring you back down. There's only one way now. You just got to pull it. And finally, Ralph had to reach over and pull it.
He reached over and pull it.
Best two and a half minutes of my life was swinging down that thing. Best two and a half minutes of my life when we finally got swinging was the swinging. The part falling down toward Earth, I made chimpanzee noises. I'm sure of it. What's that noise that I make that everybody likes? It's a... That was the noise. That was the noise that I was making. I am not built for heights.
It is not in my DNA. You're also afraid of heights, aren't you? No. Oh.
That's what I was saying. I'm good with that stuff.
You're good with the roller coasters.
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