Chapter 1: What humorous anecdotes does Bryan share about his vasectomy experience?
Don, we now are gay operos. Join the ancient Yuletide carol. On this episode of the Commercial Break. When I listen to that intro, it reminds me that the holidays are actually right around the corner. Another spin around the sun. Another 312 episodes of the commercial break. Another year of explaining to the children why Santa Claus is indeed a cheap bastard. I'm sorry, daughter of mine.
It's not my fault. It's Santa Claus. He couldn't afford the boo-boos this year. Anywho, as we limp to the finish line, where Chrissy will hopefully return to her rightful place in the chair next to me, I have no choice but to run one more TCB classic for you. But this one you will enjoy because I will not. You will laugh at my expense. It's almost guaranteed.
You will remember a few years ago I had my 13th and very last child because I went and got my V-card pulled. Snip, snip, snap, snap. While there may be motion in the ocean, there is no powder in the keg. Small ones cover your ears on this episode because like any good mediocre comedy podcaster, even the most intimate of moments become content.
And while it's not my favorite memory, many people have said this was a laugh out loud moment.
Chapter 2: How did Bryan prepare for his vasectomy procedure?
Enjoy the retelling of my emasculating procedure from December of 2023. And I will be back tomorrow where Tina will graciously help us round out the week. Bye. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene, and this is the director of Dancing and Prancing, Kristen Joy. Only best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian.
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for joining us. Appreciate it. Well, it's Christmas time season. How are you feeling? Tell me about what is on your gift list this year so I can know what I want to get you but probably won't be able to afford it. Even if that list includes M&M's. Oh, just your friendship. Aw, Chrissy, you know all the right words.
But I do not want only your friendship. What would you like? I don't know, $20,000 check, something like that. Oh, okay. Maybe you could call the podcast overlords and tell them to deliver us a $20,000 check here at the commercial break. Yeah, I'll work on that. Okay, barring any of that, what do you want for Christmas? I honestly... You're at a loss? You have everything that you need?
I am at a loss. You know, I know. As we get to be adults, it's harder and harder to buy for those that you love that are also growing in age, which is everybody, by the way.
Chapter 3: What unexpected events occurred during Bryan's visit to the surgical center?
Everyone's growing in age at all times. It's just a scientific fact. I looked it up. I Googled it. Yeah. I mean, I find it really difficult sometimes to buy for certain people because I don't know what they have that they could not want. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like they have everything that they need.
A gift card is a ridiculous gift, but one that often is given in lieu of any good idea. Right. And then I'm just at a loss. So we decided we were going to do like a... Like a happy, slappy Santa kind of thing. Everybody gets a name, pulls out of a hat or some website. That's fun. They have a website now you can go to. You input the names and then you give the email addresses.
And then that website is in charge of telling everybody who they are getting for Secret Santa or happy, slappy Santa or whatever you want to call it. That's convenient. It is convenient. And that way there's no one key holder of the information because there's always that one asshole who knows what everybody's going to get. You know what I'm saying? Who's getting for who?
And so to take that pressure off anybody in particular, we just use this website. But we're going to do Happy Slappy Santa in this sense. We are going to give away or buy for one particular person, but it has to be a ridiculous gift. It has to be one of those gag gifts. Those are fun. Totally agree. Yeah, I like those gag gifts.
Chapter 4: What was Bryan's reaction to the medical staff during the procedure?
And I've been doing this for years without prompting. You have. And my fucking family hates me for it. This is their chance to get me back. I have a feeling that no matter who they got in that little website thing, they're still going to get from me.
One year, I put a dirty ashtray, some range balls, like golf balls, some range balls, a t-shirt that I had been wearing since I was 13 years old that had seen its better days and smelled like it had seen its better days. And then what else did I put in there? I don't know, like a decapitated G.I. Joe or something like that head.
And I gave it to my brother, and I just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And they did not think it was funny. They thought it was a way for me to get out of me spending money on their gift. Which, in a way, it probably was. Oh, yeah. When you don't have money, you get creative. Yes.
And I thought a dirty ashtray that had, by the time I got over Christmas Eve, festivities had spilled all over the inside of the gift. You know, it just, maybe it didn't hit right, Chrissy. Yeah, it didn't. It didn't hit right. This one hits different. You know what I'm saying? I think I got that for Patrick and I'm sure that he's going to get me back. I know it's coming. I know it's coming.
I'm going to get like a used condom. I hope not. I hope not also. But, you know, when you get to be, when you have children too, you can forget about anybody caring about what they're going to get you. It all becomes about the children.
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Chapter 5: How did Bryan feel after the vasectomy procedure?
Exactly. I love buying for my little nephews. Listen, I'm with you. There's nothing like... the joy of watching children open up gifts under any circumstances, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is you celebrate, right?
There's nothing quite like the joy until you realize that that thing requires batteries, has multiple pieces that some children can't put in their mouth, and it makes noises. The noise thing, I learned early on to not give those gifts. God bless you, Chrissy. I would be at the house with them and
After a few hours of those noises, like the fire truck, you know, or the whatever games, things that make the noises, I was about to lose it. Lose your shit. So I was like, I'm never going to do this. Swear to God. Yeah. Swear to God. Every gift they get, this is... Yeah. Stop! Please stop. Yeah. Please stop it. Stop the madness.
Stop giving my children stuff that makes noises or things that are going to certainly kill them. And you don't realize it because you're not a parent. Right. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. One time, God bless him. I love him to death. He's my favorite, one of my favorite human beings on earth.
Chapter 6: What challenges did Bryan face during his recovery?
But Gustavo bought the kids this ever-loving motherfucking Tunnel's The tunnels, the collapsible tunnels. Oh, right. You know what I'm talking about? And then you attach them. I think I saw those. Yeah, you saw them because my kids decide every three or four days that that's what they have to play with. But you take days to set it up. Yeah. And they play with it for one minute. Uh-huh.
But the worst part about this is it came with these little tiny plastic balls, the kind you would find in like a ball pit. You know what I'm saying? So it came with these goddamn balls. I mean, balls, balls, balls, everywhere balls. Speaking of balls, we'll get to that in a minute. But balls everywhere. There are balls everywhere around this house. Oh, yeah.
Under the couch, behind the plant, wherever. Okay. I find them in the dishwasher. I find them stuck in the dog's ass. I mean, I find these balls fucking everywhere. I really do find them everywhere. And so anytime they ask us, it's like... We tried to put him away in a corner one time, like in a closet. And my son found it in lickety split seconds. He had like a ball detector on him.
He was like, where are those balls?
Chapter 7: What humorous stories does Bryan share about his kids after the surgery?
Let me go sniff those things out. And he found them. And then they cry and they whine and they want the balls and set up the fort and do the whole thing. And then they don't even play with them. We have more toys than we know what to do with. So we're trying to teach him a lesson this year. This is what we said to him. I said, hey, kids.
Listen, there are so many children on this earth who never get to play with any of these kind of toys for whatever circumstances. And of course, my kids are in that why stage. So they're like, why?
And I'm like, well, some parents can't afford to buy their children toys, you know, and it's really important that if we have more than we actually need, let's go ahead and let's give some of these away. Yeah, share the wealth. Ah! I don't want to see my toys. I like my toys so much. I want my toys. It's like, guys, you have 6,000 M and F and mother freaking toys in this one room.
You play with none of them because you find that a screwdriver or an empty electrical socket is the best thing to play with. That's right. Or a stick. We just had a whole meltdown about a stick that is certainly going to poke someone's eye out. Right? But hold on. So this one child says, I want a stick. I need this stick. I need this stick. So I lift her up.
I said, hey, look, all these toys are here. Look, you got so many toys.
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Chapter 8: What lessons does Bryan reflect on regarding fatherhood and medical experiences?
They're sticks. They're just not of the same shape and size and, you know, pokiness as the other one. Can't you just play with one of these? I want this stick. I need this stick. Why do you need this stick? It's frozen. What does it have to do with frozen? It makes the ice with it. No, you don't make the ice with it. There's no real ice. She was using it as a wand. As a wand to make Frozen.
Well, you got 50 fucking thousand Frozen toys. Go play with the Frozen. It's not like this thing makes ice. It doesn't make ice. It makes bloody eyeballs is what it makes. It makes ambulances show up at the house is what it makes. It makes my deductible go through the roof. That's what it makes. Stop it. Stop with the toys. Can you please? I'm gathering these children around.
Hey, kids, let's go ahead. Let's give some of these toys away. Let's do that. You pick the toys. Yeah. You pick the toys. But let's give a fair amount of toys. So you know what I get? I get all the shoes that we can't find the dolls to. I get the broken glasses that go on the, you know, whatever, the Toy Story thing. I get the hat from Woody. I get some pine needles from my fake tree.
I get those in the box. And I'm like, God, Or I get somebody else's toys. You know what I'm saying? So one of my kids is bringing the toys of the other kid and putting it in the box. The other kid's throwing a fit. And she's like, these toys. And I'm like, those are not your toys. Those are somebody else's toys. Well, they're for the kids. They're for that kid, not for you.
you try and teach these kids lessons. It's just like, they don't get it. And I don't understand. I mean, they're five. Don't they know? Don't they understand? That's like my one wish is that at least once a day for 15 minutes, we could have like a, like a moment of clarity. Like if I had one, if I had a genie and I could rub a lamp from its belly, I got blue. I can rub her belly.
And she's still barking at me. Um, I wish I could have like rubbed the lamp, had this genie come down and the genie says, okay, what are your three wishes? And I would say, number one, can this stupid podcast make some money? Number two, number two, I want an extra two hours of sleep each day.
But number three, what I would really like is 15 minutes in which that 15 minute period of time each day, my children were kids with the mind of a 45 year old. Do you know what I'm saying? So I could reason with them. So I could logic with them. Whether we could hash it out in a way that I know how to communicate.
I mean, some people might argue I don't know how to communicate, but that's a different story for a marriage therapist. Now, listen, I just want my children to be able to understand the words that I'm telling them in the way they're intended to say. Because you say you're taking toys away, and it is like literally... It's like a punishment. Yes. It's like they have to go for a colonoscopy.
And it's like, guys, you're five and six and four and one and zero. And how many of our kids I have? Don't you guys want to do something good for other children? And literally, this is the response that I get. I do not want to do anything good for other children. Fuck you, pee-pee-poo-poo. I knew from the second that I met that ugly mug of yours, you were going to be taking things away from me.
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