Chapter 1: What unusual topic do Bryan and Krissy discuss at the beginning?
When somebody asks me if I'm having a good day, I just gotta ask myself three questions, brother. One, am I alive? I usually am. Two, am I in the land of the free? I usually am, baby. And three, do I feel the smiling spirit of George Washington gazing down upon me from the great pearly land of the free in the sky? Brother, there ain't a moment that goes by that I don't feel that.
And when I add up that math, makes me realize there are no bad days in the land of the free, baby.
On this episode of The Commercial Break.
I'm not going to go in with you.
You see Chrissy wiping my ass. I'm like hanging on the side of the tub, just shitting myself. And Chrissy's like.
I would pass you good toilet paper and some dude wipes. I would. Chrissy looks like someone from E.T. Yeah, she'd be like. I'd open the door quick, throw them in there. Sorry about your ass. Great episode. That's a ride or die. Great episode.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Wilford to my Brimley, Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chrissy.
Best to you, Brian.
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Chapter 2: What is the significance of Wilford Brimley in the conversation?
So I go to Starbucks and I'm opening my phone for the first time. See, you know, who's calling me for money. So I open my phone for the first time and I see your text message and I start laughing. One of the girls comes out is standing right in front of me at the while I'm waiting for the coffee. And she comes over, she goes, what are you laughing at?
And I said, well, I'm laughing at this photograph. How old do you think this gentleman is in this photograph? And she replies, I don't know, 50, 60 years old, something like that. And I was surprised at why she said 50, 60. I thought for sure she was going to say 70 or 80. She is, I believe, around my age. But there's another young girl, Katie, who works there.
She's probably no older than 19, 20 years old. I might be getting that wrong, but that's my guess. Based on her energy and the way that she looks, 19, 20 years old. She comes bouncing over, and she goes, 35. And I said, you think this guy is 35 years old? And she says, no, I thought you were 35 years old. I thought you were asking how old I look. And I said, no, it's this picture.
And I go, you think I look 35 years old? And she said, 33, 34? Yeah. Like she had gotten it wrong, right? And I said, do you honestly believe I'm 35 years old? She's like, oh yeah, I guess you're in your like mid-30s, like lower to mid-30s. I said, I'm going to kiss you right on your mouth. Right on your mouth, Katie. Right on that mouth, because that is a lovely thing to say.
No, I am not anywhere close to 30, 40 years old. But thank you very much. I really appreciate it. How old do you think?
I mean, you're not that far off. God, you make yourself sound like you're 80.
Well, I mean, okay. I'm not that far off. But I'm not exactly right around the corner from 34 years old either. I'm not 50, but I'm also not, you know, 35 or 36 years old. So I just wanted to kiss her on her mouth. But then I said, hey, listen, how old do you think the gentleman in this picture is? And she goes, I don't know, 80. And I was like, he's 50 years old in that photograph. 50.
And he does look 80. You're right about that. Why did you send me that picture?
Well, first of all, I don't know exactly how old he was in the picture that I sent you, but basically every picture that I looked at, they all looked the same. So I just screenshotted one and sent that to you. But the reason I sent it to you was because we were talking about Wilford Brimley and somehow he seeped into my dream last night. And it was so bizarre. I woke up.
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Chapter 3: How do Bryan and Krissy feel about possums?
It was nice. At least it's a nice warm face to wake up to. It is. For those of you who just don't know who we're talking about, which I imagine is not a lot of the audience, but some of the audience, let me remind you of the commercials that played forever in the 80s and 90s for two specific companies. One is Liberty, the people who sell diabetes meters or something like that. Yes.
We all say it diabetes. But he says it diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. But then also, he was a very famous spokesperson for Quaker Oats. Yes. If there is ever a man who looks like a Quaker, it is Wilford Brimley. Because one of the girls at the counter asked me, what ethnicity is he? And I go, fuck am I supposed to know? I don't know Wilford Brimley. Okay. I don't know.
But then I thought to myself, he's as Quaker as it comes. His last name is Brimley, and he looks like the guy on the Quaker Oats box. Let's listen to that commercial real quick. Hold on.
You know, when I was a kid and got a hold of a nickel, I thought I was rich. I didn't turn up my nose at pennies either. Today, some folks won't even bend to pick them up. Well, here's a bowl of steaming Quaker oatmeal. And I can't think of a healthier way to start the day. Cost you one nickel and four pennies. So if you can't be bothered with nickels and pennies, throw them in a jar.
Start an oatmeal fund. Quaker Oats.
Well, if I've ever been convinced to not eat something in my life, Wilford just did it. A nickel and four pennies. It costs nine cents to buy oats? When was this commercial?
1922? It's probably per serving.
Per serving.
But, yeah, no, it's pretty funny. Yeah, well, I did the Wikipedia on him, and he had quite the story in life.
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Chapter 4: What funny stories do they share about their experiences with food?
But here's where Wilford, I think, is maybe in the lexicon of popularity in 2024. It's because everyone loves to hear him say diabetes. Yes.
Diabetes. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself. I hope you don't. I hope you choose to get involved with a good doctor.
Get involved with a good doctor.
I hope you get off your fat ass and start working out.
That's all it takes is to get involved with a good doctor. Start eating more Quaker Oats, Chrissy.
Krista, do you have diabetes? I do not. If you do have diabetes, I sure hope you die tomorrow because you suck. Thanks, Wilford. Wilford's such a nice guy.
Diabetes and your own body in the bargain. You'll learn to check your own blood sugar and check it often. That, along with a simple diet and exercise program, can help keep your diabetes under control. If you're on Medicare, call Liberty Medical.
He has a sense of authority. You'll have to keep your diabetes under control.
Well, yeah, he's scaring the shit out of you is what he's doing. He comes from a different time, you can just tell. If you have diabetes, I sure hope that you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Get yourself a nickel bowl of Quaker Oats. Yeah. And then test your glucose with my Liberty Mutual. Liberty, not Liberty Mutual. Yeah. With my Liberty Testing Strip. Diabetes. Diabetes.
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Chapter 5: What are the hosts' thoughts on antiquing?
You can check him on his socials. He's got millions of followers, so he's not hard to find. He's really funny. He is really funny. He's a naturally funny human being. And that's the best kind. I like when you have people on that they're not making an effort to be funny. It comes out of them. It's like running through their pores. It's the quick wit.
And unbelievably, after we've had a little bit of experience talking to comedians, a little bit of experience, not everybody that we've talked to, I think, has that natural sense of humor, right? I think they're good at stand-up comedy, but maybe when they're not doing stand-up comedy, that's not their natural disposition.
Joe is definitely one of those people that I think you just put in a room and you'd find him funny regardless. But anyway, so Joe pointed out something that we had no idea about. That is, we have really pissed off Possum Lover 54. Yes, we did. I don't know where this started. I don't know how this started. I don't even know which episode.
We couldn't figure it out. Couldn't figure it out. We were like, what? When did we even talk about possums?
Having germs or something? So I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to give you a $20 Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, McDonald's, Caribou Coffee, whatever place you like to go to coffee. I'm going to buy your coffee for a week. If you can find, because it takes us a long time to do this, maybe you'll understand it right off the bat.
If you can find in the commercial break catalog where I was so upsetting to the possum lovers out there, there is literally a review on Apple that says someone used to like us.
Yeah, I really liked your show.
Until you talk shit about possums.
They've been around longer than humans. They're better than humans.
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Chapter 6: How does Bryan plan to sell his Pearl Jam posters?
Find them up in your attic and you'll never get them out. They ate your garbage last night, now it's all over the front lawn. I see one every 30 feet on the street. So people eat them for dinner. Yeah. Oh, yeah. People eat possum roadkill. I say all the time. I say all the time. All the time. I love a good possum stew. What are you talking about?
Some people might eat it all the time. We don't know.
I don't know how I offended you. Was it like Bella something? Or was Bella the girl who wrote it? I don't know. Somebody wrote this. And if you're still listening, I don't know what to tell you. We're sorry. I just don't like possums. Isn't that okay? Can't we disagree on the possums? I agree. They have their place here on Earth. They're not going away. I don't know that I would choose.
If I was picking, like, if there's a flood coming tomorrow, And I was going to be, you know, who's that guy? Noah. If I was going to be... Who's that guy? Who's that guy? You know, that famous guy who had a boat. If I was going to be Noah, I don't know that I would choose two possums to come along on the boat ride. But, you know, okay, that's just my personal opinion. So...
I'm sorry that I offended you. I'm begging you to come on the show and explain why possums are better than the commercial break. Because if we can't even be better than possums, then I think we have zero chance of ever making this show successful. That's what I took away from it. I'm like, people are literally leaving the show because they prefer possums. Possums.
They prefer a possum to the commercial break. We are terrible at our jobs if we're not beating possums on the totem pole. I thought we'd be in the conversation like, Eh, I prefer Theo Vaughn over the commercial. Eh, Conan's just a little bit better. Eh, Smartless has, you know, they're better guests than the commercial break. But we're not even going past possums. Possums?
By the way, like a dolphin or something. At least the dolphins are pretty and they make cool noises. You know what I'm saying?
Well, we love dolphins. Look, our show is not for everybody.
Our show is definitely not for everybody. And I guess we can't even beat possums. Here's my call to you, the podcast audience. First one to find where I said that I did not like possums and find it in context so that we can understand exactly what we said to piss off this poor lady.
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Chapter 7: What humorous incident occurs involving a man and an antique store?
I will buy you coffee for a week. First person. Text in 212-433-3TCB. Find me the episode number. Two nickels and four pennies. I'm buying you Quaker Oats for a week.
Quaker Oats for a week.
But I'll sign the Quaker Oats. That's better. I'm sending you a crate of... No, I'm just sick with the coffee. I don't want to say things I can't. Because then the FCC calls me and they're like, you're doing uncertified contests. It's not a contest. I'm just asking somebody to do me a favor. Find me the...
the possum uh possum offense yeah do i do i have to do i have to issue an official apology like what's going on i don't know i don't know what i said so i don't know how it goes but i cannot believe for the life of me that we can't even be you know i'm going to put on the show description now you know right now it says we're like the cheesecake factory we're fine we're fine i'm gonna say hated by possum lovers everywhere
Number one possum enemy. Number one possum enemy. The commercial break. Do you have any inkling of where we might have said this?
No. When Joe brought it up, I was like, what? I just really don't remember when we talked about it.
Well, first of all, good on Joe for doing his homework.
He did.
Yeah.
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Chapter 8: What are the final thoughts shared by Bryan and Krissy?
Let's look at their Instagram.
I love it. We're big in Venezuela. Yeah, he was probably like, is this the same commercial break that I'm going? Right.
Is there another commercial break? There is another commercial break. They talk about, I don't know, taxes or something. I'm not sure what they do. All right, so let's do this. Let's take a break. I got lots more fun stuff to talk about. Our cup filleth. Diabetes. It's diabetes. Ever since I started making fun of Wilford, my tongue doesn't work. We'll be right back.
We'll be right back with more diabetes-related information.
Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212-433-3TCB. And you can text us anytime you want. Or you can call and leave us a voicemail. And we might just use your message on the show. Once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course.
Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak and on TikTok at tcbpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G and here they are.
You know, we talk a lot about weird food combinations on this show. You know, Brian likes his cream and cereal. There's the ramen incident. I cannot believe that I put that in my body. For years, I put that in my body. It's probably why my ex-wife divorced me. She was probably like... Remember how we had Jenna?
Jenna wrote in and was like, wow, the guy that I'm dating eats a bunch of slop and he eats it sloppily and I just can't take it anymore. What do you guys think? Well, I'm just wondering now what Julia was thinking on the other end of my... Ramen noodles, chipotle beef, ramen noodles, so the chipotle beef packet, probably an entire bag of Mexican shredded cheese.
By the way, I would put two or three bags of ramen noodles, entire bags of Mexican cheese, sour cream, hot sauce, steak sauce, crackers. I mean, I put everything under the – jalapenos sometimes. It just didn't matter. I would put it all in there. And it would just be this disgustingly gloppy, gloopy mess that I thought was delicious. And no wonder I dropped 75 pounds after I – I divorce her.
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