Chapter 1: How does a dad handle five to eighteen children for one day?
Somebody gonna ask me, why do I go out of my way to be petty? I said, first and foremost, it's not out of my way, okay? It's directly on my route. Next question. On this episode of the Commercial Break.
And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture. Right, right. She's landed. She's like, how are things going? She's not even landed. She's still on the plane. She's texting me.
But she's like, let me see. How are things going? And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here.
They're hungry. They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's peed or pooped today. I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh, my God. That's her response. Oh, my God.
The next episode of the commercial break starts now.
Yeah, boy. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. And this is the Keanu Reeves and my Tom Cruise. you, Chrissy.
Best to you, Brian.
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You're my Keanu Reeves.
Ah, did you see he just got married?
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Chapter 2: What challenges does Bryan face with parenting during Astrid's absence?
Keanu's, you know, the hotter, sexier, cooler, much more talented version of my Tom Cruise. But Tom's got his own thing going on.
Well, speaking of Tom Cruise, did you see that he went to Beckham? Oh, yeah, the party. The party. And I read this little account of him, and he apparently was going wild and doing splits. Oh, really?
On the dance floor. He was?
Yeah.
That guy is out of control.
Is he part cyborg or something? I mean, he doesn't seem to age and or have any fear of doing any kind of... He made a deal with the Scientology devil. It's got to be, right?
He's met Finu or Zanu or whatever the fucking name that is. And he's paid millions of dollars to do so. And he rides on that boat and he hangs out with David Miscavige. And just even saying the name probably means we're not going to be able to air this episode. But... I mean, they're so fucking litigious. But at the end of the day, Tom is a very hyper human being.
He jumps on couches in that Oprah interview. He's lashing out at Matt Lauer. This is what happens when you don't take your psychiatric medication. Because you're acting like a 14-year-old and you're 67. He's jumping out of planes without fucking safety gear.
He wants to do all his own stunts.
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Chapter 3: How does Bryan attempt to prepare breakfast for the kids?
This is what you could have been, Ashton Kutcher. You could have been. Had you not defended your shithead co-star there. You know, I was reading about.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
They made that 70s show, which was a great show in the moment. I don't know if it's aged very well, probably because all the drama we know about the people who actually made the show. But that 70s show was a great show when it was on. And then they did that 80s show. And who the fuck ever watched that 80s show? I don't know. Now they have that 90s show, which is on Netflix. Yeah.
Apparently, you know, those two, Mila Kuniez and Ashton Kutcher, showed up on an episode or two to kind of like... you know, further the storyline. Were they like the parents? Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense. But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis hold as much weight as they may have at one point.
I think there was that one point where all like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy. Now I'm like, what a shithead. I mean, honestly, like what a dumbass. That's my personal opinion.
I forget too that he was with Demi Moore for so long. Oh, yeah, that's right.
And now I'm seeing these pictures with like Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children, and Demi Moore, all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas hanging out.
Yeah, well, that's the way you do it. Well, except he's got that bad disease now.
Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it. What I mean is... Like the blended family. Yeah, like the blended family. And when someone's in trouble, they all come together, regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have. That, to me, is a beautiful thing. I like it. I agree. I really do enjoy it. But what a scary thing for Bruce Willis.
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Chapter 4: What humorous parenting moments occur while getting the kids ready?
What a crackpot. Anyway, let's get beyond her politics. And I'm reading a story that she executed her dog and a goat in front of a construction crew a number of years ago. She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying and obnoxious and killing a few chickens on her farm. What? Executed the dog and then just buried it.
And then her kids were like, where's Cricket or whatever the dog's name is? Where's Cricket? And she's like, I don't know. And the construction crew is probably like... Like miles wide open because she killed the dog, just killed it because it got loose and killed the chicken.
Isn't that what psychopaths do?
I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And Brian, listen, if blue is still alive, cricket should still be alive. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't care how annoying your dog is. You've never met a dog as annoying as blue. And she's still breathing. I know. I have not executed her, and I do not intend to.
How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, thousands and thousands. Not thousands of years, but thousands of times.
Thousands of days, yeah.
Have I walked in that door, and it's the same dance every time.
Yeah, she jumps up on you. You've got to move to the left. Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Shut up!
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Chapter 5: How does Bryan's parenting style differ from Astrid's?
Well, dogs are going to kill chickens. That's what dogs in the wild would do. They'd kill them and they'd eat them. But she says the dog was only like 17 months old, too, and it was untrained. I mean, 17 months. You're not giving the dog a whole lot of time to live.
No.
And try it out. But anyways, what a fucked up thing to do. And then she buries it in the backyard. I never back to the point. I never understood burying a dog in the backyard. I don't even understand. Like, it just doesn't make any sense to me why you would want a dead, rotting corpse in the backyard unless you had a farm. Where there's plenty of land. Right.
And no one's ever going to see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you just like burying dead things in your backyard? Seems like it. Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy.
No, we never did that.
Never did it?
My family didn't do that.
No, but you had a lot of dogs too.
We did. We had a lot of cats, dogs, fish.
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Chapter 6: What crisis does Bryan encounter during drop-off at school?
We're swerving all over some Florida highway and the bird's like, ah!
Close the windows. Bastard's like, it's fine. It's fine.
Let it out. Open the windows. Open the windows. Not that Astrid didn't want to save it. She came on the ride with me, but I think she figured, okay, we saw it flap its wings. It'll be all right. Just let it go. But no, Brian had to drive to the bird sanctuary that was closed, by the way. It wasn't even open, but they had a box outside. They wanted me to put the bird in.
Well, the bird's flapping all around.
And I'm like, I'm like pushing it in there. It's like pecking me. Like, ah, ah, get in your cage.
Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box, but you're going to be fine now. Everything's going to be good. A better life awaits. You just have to wait till Monday at 9 a.m.
Monday, 9 a.m., everything's going to be fine. Yeah, take a little nap. Sleepy time for the bird. Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere.
I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so.
The weirdest thing about that whole situation, and this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break, Astrid and I were at a beach, and we were just hanging out there, and I was taking a run, and on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach, where they had like, you know, camped out there, there was a bird, and it was like, just like trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't, and it looked dizzy and confused.
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Chapter 7: How does Bryan's perspective on parenting change after a day alone?
It was like a comedy show going on in the car for like 14 miles of the drive. And then we really did have to drive on this swamp road forever and ever to get down there. So, you know, like, I have this empathy for animals, and when I see something that looks helpless hurt, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once back to health.
Like, I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely. It's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house any given time. There's snakes and reptiles and, you know, squirrels and possums and... Raccoons are all running around everywhere.
Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day, it was like petting a possum. I'm like, what are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums. You know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry, I just don't. Because you're kind of weird.
You're like little aliens crawling around this earth, and I'm not sure you should be here. So I don't know if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird... Those things I want to know.
I mean, I'll swerve to miss it.
Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. Causing accidents. Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm going to die because I swerved to miss it.
But it's like your first instinct, right? I mean, it's not to just keep going.
There was the other day.
I guess unless there is a car oncoming.
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Chapter 8: What lessons does Bryan learn about single parenting?
You got to make sure of it. Stop. All right. Let me tell you about my day with the children when we get back.
Oh, okay. I'm very interested to hear.
Oh, Nelly. All right. We'll be back. I know you're already on your phone. So pull up Instagram and follow us at The Commercial Break. And then follow us on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Done? Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us hello at 212-433-3TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story, or anything really, we're desperate for content.
Call and leave us a message at 212-433-3TCB. And don't forget to check out TCBpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break. All right. So Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship, right? That's what she said. That's what she says. Exactly.
And I'll explain this in a second why for a second I thought, hmm, I don't know.
She just needed a day off.
She needed a day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfriend. Yeah. So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a got to do it kind of situation. We have no choice. It's literally planned within 24 hours and she's on her way. And she she's like, listen, I know. I'm sorry. I got you know, I got to do this. I'll leave you everything done.
She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire 15 hour window with dad just by himself. Yeah. So she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me. She writes this huge note. Oh, I'm sure. And she's like, you know, kids wake up at this time. Breakfast here. Do this. This kid gets that. That kid gets that. I've got these instructions.
And I'm playing so flip and coy. I'm like, listen. I got it. I got it. You don't think I can take care of these kids? I helped make them. I know how to take care of kids. Like we're parents together. And she goes, yeah, kind of. And you're mine. Kind of, yeah. Kind of. But you, like, actually don't do most of the stuff I do. And you're mostly fucking around by that microphone.
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