Chapter 1: What was Bryan's experience at the massage parlor?
Macaroni? What the chicken strips? On this episode of The Commercial Break...
I don't know whether to feel offended. Like, it's my fault she had to wear gloves. Like, she assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. In the lobby. Yeah, in the lobby. And they put glasses on and they can see the level of scuzz you have on you.
Maybe she had to work herself up.
Yes.
This light is revealing.
God damn. This guy has come in. Another fucking old white guy.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the beautiful co-host of the commercial break, Kristen Joy. Best to you, Kristen.
Best to you, Brian.
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Chapter 2: How did the Superbowl impact the episode's discussions?
And then I was rolling through them last night after the game, and I was like, oh, okay. I forgot that some of these people even played the Super Bowl. Like, why in the fuck did black-eyed peas play this fucking Super Bowl?
Yeah.
They were really big at one point.
I'm sorry, but I have to shout this out, and this is Brian's opinion, that she's a terrible singer. Fergie? Fergie. She's terrible live. I mean, maybe in the studio she's okay. And some people are like that, I guess. You get a little nerves or you're dancing around and it's hard to control your voice or whatever. But going back and that thing aged.
Plus in the studio you've got help. Yeah.
yes auto-tune that's right and uh i watched that performance and that that aged like cream in my cereal i mean honestly it was terrible slashes up there remember they did the whoa whoa whoa sweet child of mine i was like oh my god how fucking horrible can you be
terrible and she's like grinding up against at uh at slash and i'm like oh just felt bad this is like pre guns and roses reunion tour it's like oh wait and then yeah and they named prince number one halftime show of all time and i you cannot argue you cannot argue that raining during when he's playing purple rain i know It was amazing. It was amazing.
I mean, he was just the greatest. I loved him so much.
I think the guy from, whoever was writing, maybe guy or girl who was writing the blurbs for A.V. Club was like, at his best, Prince was the best. Yes. And this is Prince at his best. Exactly. And I agree. It was like above and below. Yeah, if you don't get chills watching that performance. And it's at the fucking Super Bowl. You should not get chills at the Super Bowl halftime show.
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Chapter 3: What unusual events occurred during Bryan's massage?
I didn't plan on watching a whole bunch of it anyway, but I caught the whole second half, and I was glad I did because it was a really exciting two quarters of football. Anyway, so I go to this massage place. Now, let me talk about my massage experience because I think it's really important out here in the commercial break. I'm not going to give the name of the place.
I'm sure that there are lovely people over there. But I go to the massage place, and it's in one of these strip malls like a lot of massage places are, right? It's in one of these strip malls close to the house. Sure. And it's new. And it's been recommended to us by other people that we know. They say, oh, you got to go here. It's great. It's wonderful. It's newfangled.
And I'm like, you know, love the vibe in there. And I'm like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go for a massage, you want vibes, right? Okay. Calm.
Calming vibes.
Yeah, I want calming vibes. But, you know, I could use a little charisma. I like a little riz. I'm trying to be cool with the kids. I like a little riz in my whatever. So I show up. It's 7 o'clock. The game is already underway, and no one is parked out front, obviously. It's just me, and I'm assuming the masseuse, and then the person who works up front, the lady who works up front.
So I'm like, but that's kind of what I expected. Yeah. Whatever. So I walk into this place, and it's this huge lobby. And minimalist is not even close to the word that I would use to describe what is going on in this lobby. It is a standalone desk sitting there with the person greeting you. And hello, welcome to whatever. And how are you doing? Yes, I'm Brian. I'm here for my 7 p.m.
Okay, no problem. There are bathrooms right there, two doors in the lobby that are bathrooms, this huge lobby. And then feel free to take a seat of which there is one chair, one chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book, not a nothing to be found. It's just one chair.
So it's just a room and a chair and a desk?
Huge lobby. Yeah. I mean, we're talking like, I don't know, 30 feet by 60 feet. Huge lobby. Yeah. A chair. A desk. That's it. That's all we got. Right? No music playing. Nothing. Quiet as a mouse in there. And I'm like, okay, all right. This is a vibe, certainly. And there's one, like, pendant light hanging over the chair. What? And so I go and I use the restroom, which is lovely.
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Chapter 4: Why did Bryan find the massage experience uncomfortable?
And I'm like, I don't know. Massage? Like, I just want a massage? Right. Use a little pressure, make me feel better? How's that? What do we do about that?
I've tried those hot stones before, and it wasn't my thing.
Well, that's what I go for. Oh, you did go for it. Because I had a certain amount of credit. You felt kind of obligated. I felt obligated. I was using a gift card, too. I felt a little obligated because I thought, well, I'm going to have to give a tip, and then that's uncomfortable. No one carries cash anymore. So, I mean, it also is 2024.
I'm sure they can figure out how to ring up a tip without having something. But I had a certain amount of credit to use because it was my first time there. And I thought, well, I may never be back here, so I might as well use the credit. So I ended up paying $10 for the hot stone thing.
all right okay so now we're at 7 11 and no one has come to greet me yet and the lady is just sitting there and so i'm like um i think the appointment was at seven is there like do i just wait here for you know i'm trying to like not be rude about it right and she's like oh i'm sure she'll be here in just a minute i saw her in the back earlier and i'm like oh okay thanks for the update on where my massage therapist is an hour ago
I need her here now. Is it possible that you check now where she is? Because according to the schedule, she's supposed to be here with me. Like, I shouldn't be here. I should be there.
Yes.
That's what I'm thinking. But I'm like, okay.
Definitely not sitting in a strap in the lobby.
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Chapter 5: What was the significance of the hot stones in the massage?
That's so weird. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, all right, this clearly is my lady because there's no one else here. Like, is she just standing there? Chrissy, a good 60 seconds. No one said anything. Really? And then I go, are you looking for Brian?
No.
there's anybody else in the lobby right there's no one right here under the light in the strap the only chair in the place there is nobody else parked outside it's me brian i can't believe you had to ask her and then she goes mr green and i was like yes brian green that's me and she goes i'll be taking you for your appointment now and i was like oh thanks 15 minutes late i appreciate it let's go back now and do that yeah i'm ready let's go ahead and get that started now that we've wasted two minutes staring at each other let's go ahead why not
So now I go through the sliding glass door or the sliding door and then, you know, big wooden sliding door. The barn door. Yeah, barn door. And then I... Thank you. And then I walk into what I can only describe as like a mudroom. Like a mudroom for a house. Oh, okay. It's got hooks, a big bench, but it's a big bench. It's probably like 20 feet long. Big bench, hooks, and then towels everywhere.
Okay. So I think to myself, oh, this must be the changing area. It's a little, there's a lot of room for a lot of people to be changing at the same time. But thank God I'm the only one here. I guess I'll just change right here. Yeah. So here I am getting ready to take my belt off and like, because I think this is the changing area. And she's like, she's like, take a seat.
She sits down and she taps the bench and she's like, take a seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I put my belt back on. I'm like, oh, okay. Sorry. I thought this is where I get naked. Like sit down on my lap. So she says, you know, let me get to know you a little bit in your massage history. And I'm thinking to myself, oh, my God, come on. Do we have to do this whole thing?
My massage history is I know how to get a massage. I lay there. You do it. That's it. What else do we need to know about my massage history?
Yeah. The most people need to ask really, like, are there any special spots that are...
Oh, yeah.
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Chapter 6: How did Bryan feel about the service he received?
All right, ready? So...
Can I take my pants off now?
Yes. Now can I undress? And so I was like, do I... Is there a robe or something? She goes, oh, no, no, no, no. Back at the room. And I was like, oh, okay. Back at the room. I got it. 10-4. I'm cool. I'm happy with the new place, the new thing. All right, Chrissy. Another huge sliding door. We go through this huge sliding door. And now imagine... A football field sized room.
I'm not even kidding you. Huge.
And this is in a strip mall? It's in a strip mall. Did you realize it was this big from the outside?
Certainly it was a football field, the building was, but I didn't realize how big the room was going to be, right?
It was huge. Like your massage room?
No, no. Okay, so just imagine one big empty room.
You've gone from one room to another room. Now you've entered another room.
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Chapter 7: What humorous comparisons did Bryan make about his massage?
It's in my house. It's outside. Now I've got it at the massage. And there's no like, hey, can you turn on some gentle music? Enya? Yeah, Enya. Some of that Japanese massage music that makes me so happy when I get a massage. I love that shit. Just play that. I'll fall asleep and you can just massage me. So there are, I don't know, 30 rooms on each side, 30 rooms on each side. It's huge.
And she takes me to like basically the last one. So we've got to walk a mile down there. Now it's like 722, right? She opens up this big canvas sheet as if I'm in the fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. It swings over these sheets. And there it is. Massage table, little light, basket. There it is. There it is.
I'm thinking to myself, well, and then I look to each side because canvas sheets are separating us. I look to each side and I can see the other rooms on each side. I can see right through the canvas. And I'm like, I don't know what I want to get changed in here. I mean, I'm only going to my underwear, but even that. No one wants to see that. What if a picture gets out there on the Internet?
TCB host. Flashes. Massage parlor. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going down. The only good news is all the paparazzi was in Vegas, so I felt comfortable with the paparazzi.
Well, yeah, and were there even any other customers?
Well, I'll tell you, there were, and I'll tell you how I knew this. Because you could see them. See them. You could hear them. Well, I had my face down, so I couldn't see anything except for the floor. So, by the way, the massage therapist is nice enough, right? She's doing the do. There's nothing. She's not bad. She's not mean. She's just there. You know what I'm saying? She's being nice enough.
You don't have any room to complain about what's going on. But there's no, like, I don't know. There's no vibe coming from my massage therapist. I'm just like, okay, here we go. I guess we're going to do this. Yeah. So we get in the room and she's like, okay, Mr. Green, do you mind if I massage your glutes? And I'm like, oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead. You know, massage my glutes.
Any glute massage will be over the sheets and only on the side of the glutes.
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Chapter 8: What are the lessons learned from Bryan's massage experience?
And I was like, well, don't get angry with me because I answered yes. She like snapped back. letting me know that I wouldn't be getting a prostate massage. And I'm like, okay, don't get mad at me. I just answered your question.
Okay, let's get started.
Chrissy, it was really uncomfortable. And I was like, well, we don't have to do the glutes. You asked, I answered. Why are we all upset now? All right. And I'm sure you want to hear the rest of this story that I'm sure will take up a majority of this episode. But we've got to break it up into pieces because that's how we pay the bills. We'll be back.
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