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The Commercial Break

The Very Bad Horrible Hallacas!

20 Nov 2025

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What holiday dish is central to this episode?

0.655 - 36.885 Bryan Green

Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero año y felicidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero año y felicidad I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.

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41.356 - 43.842 Unknown

On this episode of The Commercial Break.

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44.429 - 62.814 Bryan Green

But ayakas are not that like offensive because everyone still makes them and everyone still eats them. And why do we eat them? I don't know why we eat them, but we eat them. But so I'm on board with the festive nature of making ayakas. Yeah. But anytime they start breaking out the ayakas, I'm like, oh, God.

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62.834 - 67.5 Unknown

The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.

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71.26 - 85.038 Bryan Green

Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this, the commercial break.

85.62 - 86.502 Krissy Hoadley

The only one you'll ever need.

86.482 - 93.968 Bryan Green

Fact, news, or fiction in the first 30 seconds or less. Your money back guaranteed. Go to tcppodcast.com to collect your earnings. Still got it.

93.989 - 94.489 Krissy Hoadley

You do still got it.

94.609 - 104.498 Bryan Green

Still got it. After all these years through the tears. Well, the big holiday season is right around the corner, Chrissy, and you know what that means.

Chapter 2: Why are hallacas significant in Venezuelan culture?

377.149 - 389.802 Bryan Green

And like, I know, we talked to Joanna Hausman about this. She says the same thing. She goes, it's not my favorite dish in the world, but because it's a festive dish that's made around the holidays, I will have my fair share.

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389.882 - 391.504 Krissy Hoadley

Kind of like a fruitcake or something?

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391.884 - 393.406 Bryan Green

Yeah, I think maybe.

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393.526 - 398.571 Krissy Hoadley

Not that it tastes like a fruitcake, but you know, people don't really love fruitcakes, but...

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398.551 - 417.698 Bryan Green

They're festive. They're festive. And why anybody in the world would think to give a fruitcake anymore? I don't know. You got to be a fruitcake to give a fruitcake. You know what I'm saying? I don't even know if they make them. I'm sure they do. But I haven't seen an actual fruitcake in a long time. But when I was a kid, there was a lot of fruitcake going around. And you want barf in a bag.

417.758 - 419.26 Bryan Green

That is like instant food.

419.797 - 428.87 Krissy Hoadley

We didn't have it, but I always saw it talked about in movies and maybe at other people's houses. And everybody seemed to not really like it, so I didn't.

428.91 - 441.128 Bryan Green

In the 70s, some kind of gelatin-slash-gelatin-related fruit came into fashion. And remember they had the pink Jell-O?

441.148 - 441.929 Krissy Hoadley

Yes, yes.

Chapter 3: What ingredients are typically found in hallacas?

570.043 - 591.319 Bryan Green

If the black hoof is not on the Iberico ham, it comes like the whole leg. It's like the whole leg and thigh with the hoof. And then you slice it. It takes a master to learn how to slice it. You slice it a certain way. It is full of fucking fat and grease and just one slice of Iberico ham and your life will change. The first time I ever had it, I showed up in Madrid.

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591.599 - 613.356 Bryan Green

I was at a party where Spanish people, Venezuelans all hanging out. I fly in late at night. Yeah, I had a connecting flight in Switzerland and I ended up missing the first flight. So I had to get to the second one. So I get there late. Astrid's at a party. They come to the airport. They pick me up. I go to this Christmas party that they're having. It's like the night of Christmas.

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613.336 - 626.265 Bryan Green

I go inside and this guy goes, come into the kitchen. You know, I'm going to get you some food. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I go in there and there's a whole fucking hog leg sitting on this table.

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626.38 - 648.034 Bryan Green

piece of equipment like essentially a stand and he's got a towel wrapped around it and he unwraps it and it's like i'm like oh you know thinking to myself what is that right and he goes this is iberico ham yeah it's gonna change your fucking life and i was like oh okay and just to not be rude listen i i've eaten some adventurous stuff in my life you have

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648.014 - 660.066 Bryan Green

So it's not like I won't go for it, but I just got off a flight. I'm seeing Astrid. You know, her family's there. We're not married yet. The hoof is involved. The hoof is involved. I can see hair on the feet. Like, I'm like, ah.

Chapter 4: How do different families prepare hallacas differently?

660.086 - 678.944 Bryan Green

The skin is still on parts of it. I was like, eh. You know, there's a towel, like a kitchen dish towel wrapped around it. Eh. You know, I'm like, the whole thing has just got me a little skeeved out. He cuts me a piece. He gives me some baguette. Put that with that. Put that with that. Oh, yeah. And I go, oh, okay. He's got a little plate. He hands, you know, like a little paper plate.

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678.964 - 698.887 Bryan Green

He hands it to me and then he walks off and I'm in the kitchen standing there and I'm like, do I toss it in the garbage? Or do I walk into the room and pretend like I'm hanging with the big boys? So I chose the latter and I went in there. It didn't take me half a minute. And I wanted to go back in that kitchen and get more Iberico ham. Half a minute.

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699.528 - 721.449 Bryan Green

And then because I spent the holiday season there from then until, you know, well, really still like March. I was there from then until March in Europe. You couldn't get me away from the Iberico ham. We were going to stores. They have them hanging all over the place during the holiday season, any time of the year, really, but during the holiday season. Like, Iberico's everywhere. It's pre-sliced.

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721.469 - 731.312 Bryan Green

It comes full. There's big legs and small legs. You can buy expensive ones or cheaper ones. I mean, they're all expensive, but, you know, you can buy the super gold, you know, Iberico, the biggest of the hoggiest of the hogs.

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Chapter 5: How do personal preferences impact family traditions around hallacas?

731.292 - 741.81 Bryan Green

The hammiest of the hams. I don't know. But all of them are everywhere. And I was like a crack addict. I was like a birico ham. A birico ham.

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741.91 - 742.691 Krissy Hoadley

It's delicious.

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743.212 - 761.543 Bryan Green

And then Astrid and I moved to Switzerland so she could finish her master's degree. And they had Iberico ham. So you know what I was doing? Asher would shove off to school, you know, 7 in the morning, minus 17 degrees in Lucerne, Switzerland, and I would walk her to, like, you know, the bus station to go up into the mountain to go to school.

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761.583 - 781.226 Bryan Green

I'd walk her in the bus station, and then I'd come back around. Walk her to the bus. I did. Most mornings. Not every single morning, but 90, 70, 80, 90% of the time. And then I would—I was still smoking cigarettes at the time, so I would walk, I would smoke a cigarette, and then I would hit that— I hit that Swiss grocery store, and I had to go straight for the Iberico ham.

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781.246 - 787.656 Bryan Green

And I'd buy a pack of pre-sliced Iberico ham and a fresh baguette, and it'd be gone by the time Astrid came home. I did the entire thing.

Chapter 6: What is the connection between hallacas and holiday gifting?

787.876 - 806.234 Bryan Green

I loved it so much. God damn, I love Iberico ham. It's my favorite thing in the world. Favorite thing in the world. Now, you can't make pan de jamon with Iberico ham. You can't. But it'd be like $1,000. Well, right. Panda jamon. Yeah. Yeah, you don't give that to your neighbors and friends. You give that shit for yourself. Of course. So maybe you make a special panda jamon with just Iberico ham.

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806.595 - 809.162 Bryan Green

But the thing is, you got to cook it. And you don't want to cook Iberico ham.

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809.182 - 810.966 Krissy Hoadley

No, that's the thing. You just want to eat it straight.

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810.986 - 828.173 Bryan Green

You just eat it raw. Yeah, it's just. Well, it's cooked. Yeah, it's preserved. It's preserved. It's dried. Yeah, it's dried. It hangs for like, I don't know, two years or something like that. It's like a wine. You hang it for seven years, it gets better because all the fat just starts to coagulate. It's really quite gross, actually, when you think about it. So let's not think about it too much.

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828.513 - 829.274 Bryan Green

Iberico ham.

829.334 - 830.075 Krissy Hoadley

Just enjoy it.

830.115 - 840.169 Bryan Green

Just enjoy it. It's one of the best things you'll ever taste. And if you ever have a chance to taste real Iberico ham, like at a restaurant, some restaurants here in Atlanta serve it.

840.189 - 842.232 Krissy Hoadley

I was going to say, there's got to be a couple. Yeah.

842.6 - 870.936 Bryan Green

It used to be when we first got back here from Switzerland and Astrid moved here and we got engaged and married. When that happened, it was extraordinarily hard to find any Iberico ham. The Iberian pig here in Atlanta, a restaurant, while named... Oh, that's right. While named the Iberian pig... Did not serve it. Did not serve real Iberico ham. It sold essentially what was...

Chapter 7: What humorous anecdotes are shared about holiday meals?

944.496 - 945.057 Krissy Hoadley

That's right. Ham.

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946.559 - 971.819 Bryan Green

Country fried ham. That's right. I'm going to go for, you know, ham in a bag. You know, the sliced ham in a bag that you get at the deli section. Yes. I'm going to get that and, I don't know, paste it on a stand and pretend like I'm slicing it up. Yeah, real Iberico ham is red and purple. This is light pink and translucent. Look how it shines. It's like that Subway meat you get.

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972.239 - 973.962 Krissy Hoadley

You could get a good London broil.

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974.122 - 1000.614 Bryan Green

Yeah, London broil. There you go. It's like pastrami. Speaking of food, real quick. Before we take a break, I'll tell you that I saw, you know, Cat's Deli in New York. Yes. The famous, very world-famous Cat's Deli in New York, known for their pastrami sandwiches. And pastrami is some cut of meat with special spices and I don't know. Pastrami is okay to me. It's not my favorite thing in the world.

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1000.814 - 1010.943 Bryan Green

But I've had pastrami sandwiches I liked and lots of pastrami sandwiches I didn't like. But they had a video of how they make a pastrami sandwich, like the world-famous pastrami sandwich.

1011.584 - 1011.724

Mm-hmm.

1011.704 - 1032.746 Bryan Green

where they actually cut up an entire, like, shoulder and put it on a fucking piece of bread. Wow. I mean, it's a piece of meat this big, and the guy slices off the fatty parts, and then he chops it up and puts it on there. I've never seen something so appetizing in my entire life on Instagram. I need to look that up. I should find it and show it. It had millions of views already.

1033.126 - 1049.965 Bryan Green

It was like, it's just this guy, just this, you know, line cook back there, just chopping it up, talking to other guys while he's doing it. And it looks so delicious. But I think to myself, how the fuck do you make a buck if you're serving an entire shoulder to each customer that orders one of these? And this is what you're fucking known for. I don't know. Somebody in the comment section, tell me.

1050.045 - 1055.371 Bryan Green

I have no idea because I've never been to Cat's Deli. So I've been to New York a lot, but I've never, I've walked past it.

Chapter 8: How does the discussion shift to the topic of Iberico ham?

1070.42 - 1076.55 Bryan Green

Because you didn't go. Because I didn't go. That's right. See? We liked cats, and then we didn't pay attention to it.

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1076.57 - 1077.491 Krissy Hoadley

We can't have nice things.

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1077.511 - 1086.205 Bryan Green

If there's one thing in New York that I don't think is going to go out of business for any reason, it's Cat's Deli. Cat's Deli's been there for, what, 1929 or something?

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1086.225 - 1090.952 Krissy Hoadley

I was just reading something this morning on the New York Times that had a whole section about the bodegas.

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1090.932 - 1115.995 Bryan Green

and new york and kind of the history of those it's fascinating yeah bodegas are what you do i've had i have had lunch at a few i've had a few sandwiches in a bag yeah i'm not afraid i'm not afraid of a sandwich in a bag used to play be a place here in atlanta cool corners grocery store cool corners grocery store on the george near the georgia tech campus a little shitty rundown neighborhood at least it was until gentrification took over thanks everybody yeah and it was like a

1115.975 - 1137.291 Bryan Green

Brick building, nondescript brick building, bars on the windows, little like, you know, Budweiser sign and, you know, cigarette signs and stuff like that. It was essentially a bodega, not a gas station, a bodega. You go in there, you buy your sundries, but it's run by a Cuban couple. And that Cuban couple had been here in the United States since they came over on the boat in the 80s.

1137.271 - 1158.185 Bryan Green

And the guy spoke very little English and the wife spoke pretty good English. And they ran this shop and they made Cuban sandwiches. That's what they did. And the first time that I ever went there, I was working for a guy like day labor for a guy while I was in Chopper Johnson. And so the bassist had a job like he was like a fixer upper for renter house rental houses. And we were doing this job.

1158.205 - 1173.949 Bryan Green

We were digging out stone out of the basement of like a crawl space. So I had to go down, crawl in the crawl space and pull out this stone that was under there. Cause they were going to, I don't know what the fuck they were going to do. So we were, it was really actually pretty hard labor, right? And so the guy goes, let me buy you some lunch.

1174.269 - 1178.736 Bryan Green

And we were in this neighborhood and we walk over to cool corners, grocery store.

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