Chapter 1: What billion dollar idea does Bryan discuss in this episode?
All you ladies, pop your pussy like this. I ain't poppin' my pussy anymore. It's been popped for years.
No pussy poppin' here.
What? What? It's the truth. On this episode of The Commercial Break...
So my little mouse brain decides to pick the smaller one. Your willy brain? To pick the one with more fluid ounces. My willy brain. That's right. One of our listeners, Caden, says, why is everything that Brian names have to do with a dick? I don't know. I honestly don't. It just turned out that way. Maybe I'm repressed or something. I don't know.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the sexy nude chef of this show, Kristen Joy Hoodley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. All righty, righty, righty. Don't mind if I do. All right, all right. I keep getting older, they stay the same age. Oh, Matt Mixey. Ah, good old Matthew McConaughey.
Why isn't he in jail for that one line? Who's canceling that guy? Ah, that line did not age well. No. Did not age well. But it was a different time back in the early 90s and then in the 70s.
And they were already portraying a different time.
Yeah, they were portraying the 70s. What a movie, man. God damn, did we watch the shit out of that movie. Oh, yeah. What is that called? I don't even remember what it's called. Fast Times at Ridgemont High? No. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. American Graffiti.
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Chapter 2: How does Kristin Wiig's new show impact the hosts?
No.
No. What is it? You know it?
Say it. Say it out loud. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
What is it?
What is it?
You don't know it?
It's on the tip of my tongue, and I watched it so much. I just haven't seen it in a while.
It is... Now I have to fucking find it. Why do I have to fucking find it?
You're already on your phone.
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Chapter 3: What emotional moments does The Bachelor bring up?
Well, you always want to see what Kristen Wiig's doing.
Yeah, I always want to see what she's doing. And she looks great in the show. And she's so fucking hilarious. She is. And I guess she wrote the show, too. Palm Royale. So, you know, Kristen, come on the show and talk about it. Why doesn't Kristen Wiig come on the show? Why won't she come on the show?
I can think of a few reasons.
I can think of so many reasons why she wouldn't come on the show. That's what I mean. Yeah, like if you put a pro and con list together, if you're a celebrity and you put a pro and con list as we're figuring out, put a pro and con list coming on the commercial break. There aren't many pros. There are a whole shitload of cons. So thank you to everyone who's decided to show up so far.
Speaking of, I do want to thank our guest this week, Paul Scheer, for coming in. One of the nicest guys in the business, as if I know anybody else in the business. My little brother works at the production side of things. But Paul was super sweet. I really enjoyed our conversation with him. PaulShear.com and then go pre-order his book. I just want to shout it out because he's a nice guy.
I can't wait to read that book.
I know. Well, it's coming out May 21st, I think is when it's coming out. I think that's right. Yep, May 21st. You can pre-order it now on Amazon. And the name of the book is Joyful Recollections of Trauma. So please go and order. Tickets are available for whatever shows. Go to PaulShearer.com. He's got all that shit there. He's doing everything.
He's already done so much, too. I know. I mean, just looking at his Wikipedia or IMDb, whatever, briefly to get an idea. I mean, there are so many of them.
I feel so bad when I look at everybody else's accomplishments and we're like started this podcast at age 71. I'm now 76 and I've met two celebrities that I like and Paul's one of them. So there you go. PaulShear.com. Paul Royale. Kristen, you're welcome to come on the show if you want. Like Kristen's listening. Who am I talking to? We're still the dumb podcast no one listens to.
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Chapter 4: How does the Dodgers' interpreter's story unfold?
I got caught in the very next night. I get Palm Royale one night. That's probably Saturday night, I think. And then Sunday night or Monday night, I get caught. I got sucked in to that fucking Bachelor finale. I knew you would. Goddamn, man. Exact same scenario. Long night of editing. Go walk in. Astrid's got this on. She is weeping like a baby. I mean, our two kids are right next to her.
They're sleeping. And she's just got tears just streaming down her face. It's emotional. And I'm like, what is going on? So here's a little recap, because probably not a lot of our listeners watch The Bachelor. But if you do, good for you. Then you already know what happens.
And there's no other podcast that recap The Bachelor, too.
No, no other podcast. Only every other podcast recaps The Bachelor. Howard Stern recaps The Bachelor, for God's sakes. He like watches it religiously. He talks to their production staff, or at least he did when I was listening to him like five or six years ago. He would like talk to their production staff about, you know, twists and turns.
Anyway, there's a girl on there who is just super fucking sweet. She's deaf. She's going deaf. So she's got cochlear implants.
I had a friend who had those.
Yeah. So she is. And the maturity on this woman at such a young age, she knows she's not going to be picked. There's two girls left. She knows she's not going to be picked. It's clear and it's obvious to everyone. And The Bachelor, I do have to say, whatever his fucking name is, seems like a really fucking stand-up dude. I mean, he really does seem like a stand-up dude.
So she walks out, the beach, the whole setting, is she, will he, won't he, whatever, right? But I think she knows just because of the way the production is unfolding, she's not going to get chosen also. So she walks up there, he gives his spiel, you know, It's been an amazing ride with you. It's been a journey to love. And I did love you. I do love you. I want to love you.
But I just can't be that guy for you. You know, he says a few words.
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Chapter 5: What are the implications of betting in sports?
They're nice enough. He seems very sincere. He's crying. And she's trying to hold back the tears. And she says, you know what, dude? I know you're not going to pick me. And that's okay. I want you to be happy. That's what I want for you. But I need to let you know, and I need to walk off this island on my own. Like, I don't need you to babysit me. I'm walking out on my own with my head held high.
She goes, and this is what she said to him, listen to these fucking words by basically someone that's more than half, that's less than half my age. She says, if I love someone that is not the right person this much, imagine how much I'll love the right person. She says that on national fucking television. Now I'm going to cry. Officially making her the queen of everything. Right? I'm like, fuck.
And I'm staring at my daughter. She's laying next to my wife. And I'm like, my wife is this human being? If I can grow up, if I can raise my daughters. With one fucking ounce of the energy, strength, charisma, and just charity that this person, this woman showed up there. The Bachelor is manufactured to break hearts. This is...
This girl wouldn't have her heart broken if it wasn't for this stupid television show. You know what I'm saying? This guy wouldn't have to pick between two people that he loves if it wasn't for this stupid television show manufacturing this drama. And we're all watching it. And my wife's crying real tears and everybody's crying real tears.
And it's hard, I imagine, under that spotlight to be anything but petty. It's hard probably to be anything but petty. But she says those words. She walks off. She grabs the girl who's going to win, gives her a hug, tells her, I hope that you have the best life. Like, I want this for you. Do this. And you just want to grab the girl through the television, like give her a hug.
But then you realize she doesn't need your fucking hug. She's going to be just fine. This girl is going to have piles of men. All over the place looking to date her. And if her television appearance is any indication of the person that she is, she will pick a good one. She will figure this out. She understands this. It's just like I want – I just want to like – I don't know.
I want to give her like a TV hug. You ever want to give somebody a TV hug? Yes.
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Chapter 6: How do casinos ensure they don't lose money?
Like, goddamn. I'm watching those like Seven Little Johnstons and all those little shows about the little people. And sometimes it's not about that they're little people. It's about that they also are human beings getting their hearts broken and all this. So this is one episode where this girl on one of these shows is like, she's going through a breakup. It's bad. She's going through it.
She's going through the shit. And I just want to give her a TV hug. That's all I want to do is just give her a TV hug.
I can't even imagine if I was going through a bad breakup on TV.
On television. No. Manufactured for the drama.
I would be like, I quit.
Manufactured for effect.
I'm done. I know. I'm just going to go crawl up in my bed.
Here's Astrid just weeping like a child, right? And Brian, of course, can't let any moment die without bringing in his ratchet-ass opinion. And I'm like, none of this would happen if they wouldn't have this fucking stupid show. And she's like, you're right. I'm going to go back to crying now. Thanks, Brian, for ruining everything. I'm like, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize.
But then so I get wrapped into watching the last half hour of that, too. I was like, fuck, man. I just wanted to take a shower, and now I'm crying over the girl. I'm crying over The Bachelor. Look at this.
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Chapter 7: What does Bryan's experience with pre-washing dishes reveal?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know if someone wrote that for her. I want to remember it the way that I remember it.
No, but I think that's actually a good idea to maybe prepare because if you think about it, if you go on this show, how many people did you start off with?
I don't know, 20 or something.
something like 25 okay 25 i don't know um but you know you're probably your odds are you're not yes till the end yes and maybe it is a good idea to have something prepared that makes you just look amazing at the end if it comes down to it yes i would think you're so right about this i would think
Like I bet the prevailing energy.
Instead of being like, fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you. But sometimes that happens too. But that's a real honest reaction also. Like you can't blame somebody for being that kind of pissed off. But I would imagine that the energy going into this is, I'm going to be on The Bachelor. I'm going to be semi-famous, right? Millions of people are going to watch this.
If I can just make it four or five episodes, I'm definitely going to have some kind of notoriety because of this. I'm sure some people go in with a plan to have a certain personality so that they can attract more attention. I'm sure some people don't give a shit who the dude is. They're going to figure out a way to fall in love with him.
And then I'm sure that there are girls like Daisy, this girl, right? I'm sure there are girls like Daisy who... probably have all of that in their head, but then really find themselves in a situation where, oh, I actually like this dude. Like, I'm falling in love with this dude. But then you start getting dragged toward the end. It's got to get harder and harder. You're building real feelings.
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Chapter 8: How does the episode conclude with reflections on the discussed topics?
I pause and then I say, hey, and I talk to him for a minute and he comes in and out of the room and there's no him getting stuck making his comments about how dumb it is or I can't believe you're watching another housewife show. Whatever. Well, I mean, it is the housewife. Unless I'm cool with them making comments about it.
If you're in that mood. Yeah, yeah. If I'm not, I just pause it. Yeah. Well, I definitely, I tried to be.
And then you wouldn't get stuck watching it.
Well, Astrid was crying, so I tried to be as tender as possible. That's true. But then sometimes I end up like, okay, I'm glad I stopped for a second. You really want to watch it. Well, once I saw Daisy up there, I had walked in like right after she had walked off and I'm like, wait, he didn't pick, he didn't pick her, which I didn't even know her name.
Now I do Daisy, but I'm like, he didn't pick Daisy. And she's like, no. And she's like, you know, and I said, what a fucking bonehead. Like she's, I've only seen 16 minutes of the entire season, but she's clearly the one that you should pick. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's intelligent. She seems emotionally mature. She's been through enough life.
to last seven lifetimes and she should be begged clearly and astrid's like well she did this thing and then he said this thing and it was so beautiful and that's why i'm crying and i'm like okay well rewind it i guess i guess now i gotta stay around and watch it now i gotta get filled in on what's going on so you actually made the rewind happen okay i actually made the rewind i think what astrid should do is i'm probably i'm sure what she does do on a lot of nights which is pretend she's asleep you ever done that i used to do it with my dad
You know, my dad used to be walking down the hallway. I'd hear him. And so I'd turn off the TV and put the covers over my head. It never fooled him. He'd be like, I know you're up. Keep the TV off. Go to bed. Go to sleep. And free Willy. Free Willy. We've already gotten comments about the Free Willy episode, just letting you know. Everyone is really sad that I had to Free Willy. Yeah.
Well, I think the average life expectancy of a rat not in the wild is like six months. So I probably lived with him most of his life. I think I had him for two and a half. There you go. Half his life. He was with me for half his life. But I almost cried as many tears over Daisy as I did over Willy. Yeah. I'll tell you that much right now. And then, you know what?
I think they were going to ask her to be the Bachelorette. This is Daisy, in case you want to know. That's Daisy. I think they were going to ask her to be the Bachelorette. I think that's the way they made it seem.
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