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Chapter 1: What is the premise of Sports War?
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Get ready for battle. It's time for Sports Bowl.
Brought to you by Gambling. Gambling.
It's literally free money. What's up, Scrubs? I'm Ronnie Chang. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. That's right. I mean, that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Kaitlyn Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.
welcome to the wnba caitlyn clark the ncaa's all-time division one scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the indiana fever last night she got off to a slow start though missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter clark finished with 20 points in the fever's 92-71 loss to the connecticut sun she also committed 10 turnovers
Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and the team lost by 20 points in her first game? I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clarke is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WNBA. Ronnie, Ronnie, I'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Ronnie.
Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan. I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this. Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38, man. You're the god of whatever that is.
Okay, here's your stat right here. Eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally.
There's a huge effort to get the River Seine fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month said the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level, and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events.
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Chapter 2: What happened in Caitlyn Clark's pro debut?
Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea. Oh, you love, you love, you love E. coli, Ronnie.
I love it.
You love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like Salt Bae, you know? Yeah. Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie the Birds. Two stars. I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I puke from just looking at your oblong face. Oblong face?
Is that right?
Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the Fourth of July at Ronnie's house, the Olympics are going to be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Clep's Bed of the Week. where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won.
And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code CLEPPERSUTS. Okay. I don't like that. I told you I don't like that code. It's not you, okay? It's a different clever. It is? Okay, that's fine, then. That's okay. No, I'm just kidding. It's you because you suck. Okay, I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports.
All right, speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make, talking.
Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Butker during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison. Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine.
Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? Yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan. For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you.
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Chapter 3: Why is there controversy surrounding the River Seine for the Olympics?
The biggest head, the smallest brain over here. No, English, English is gonna be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the Major League language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish? Oh, what? Finnish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass. It is! It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book, all right?
But do it on your own time, because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling. Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. coli?
Good night, America. Game play. Okay, now here are my three favorite languages that I have never been able to learn how to speak. I'm not going to learn Gaelic. I've definitely got to learn Catalan. What's up, morons? I'm Ronnie Chang. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.
For example, if I say Ronnie Chang doesn't suck... Oh, well, then I have to disagree with you on that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover. Yes! You left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports, the show of her round the world.
This physical moment involving the WNBA's most high-profile rookie raising questions. Chicago's Kennedy Carter shoulder-checking the Fever's Kaitlyn Clark, knocking her to the ground.
Oh!
Throw the flag! Send her to the Hague! Come on! Katelyn Clark is clearly getting bullied. I'm sick of it. You can't just push people in sports. unless it's football, hockey, dude basketball, the Little League World Series, or being drunk dad at the Little League World Series. Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong.
As a lifelong WNBA fan since Caitlyn Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, WNBA needs to get harder if they want me, their target demographic, to keep watching, okay? You hear that, WNBA? Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't get hard. Just ask Jordan. Are you saying my penis is soft or nonexistent?
Whichever hurts your feelings more. Joke's on you, Ronnie, I'm dead inside. Look, I relate to Caitlin Clark, a superstar at the top of her game, surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you. I am you. And we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronnie Chang push us around. Which brings us to tonight's Jay Klepp's Can't Lose Bet of the Week.
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Chapter 4: What controversial comments did Harrison Butker make?
Well, we are out of time. Well, I'm not retired. Well, it's too late. The fans have spoken, Ronnie. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating pickleball. Better with guns? No, no. I think it is. Are you kidding? What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang. And I'm Michael Kosta. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.
So if I say I love baguettes... Then I say, f*** you, croissants for life. And if I say that the best French New Wave director is Godard... Well, then I say, f*** you, Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary but more accessible to a wider audience. Shut the f*** up, you Philistine.
Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. Learn how to knock, Ronnie. But another highlight was the utter dominance of USA men's basketball.
LeBron James, Kevin Durant, and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France, winning by 11 points.
It's everything I imagined and more. We all signed up for this mission to continue the USA basketball dominance.
That's right. Suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invent. Costa, you drooling moron. America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 270 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country.
Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did. Ronnie, Ronnie, I swear, putting you on TV feels like a make-a-wish, all right? Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show, even when you're out there with a smaller, inferior co-host.
Costa, you're the Tyrese Halliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are. Well, you're like the Seine River, just filled with diarrhea, which brings us to our Costa's Big Ball's Bed of the Night. Which river will Ronnie Chang mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling. Remember, you're not you when you're not gambling.
Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown. It was the return of the world's fastest man against the world's fastest virus. It was supposed to be a golden moment for US sprinter Noah Lyles.
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Chapter 5: What is the significance of Bronny James entering the NBA draft?
Which brings us to our sick boom-bang bet of the night. When will Jordan Klepper finally learn the names of his three children? As always, this bet brought to you by gambling. Gambling. I think your mom has some money in her purse. Three children, that can't be right. Moving on to a trend in football that doesn't involve steroid-induced violence, but still is all the rage.
The celebration trend in the sports world, the Trump dance. Trump's double fist pump has been a rally staple for years now. But now the dance jumping from rallies to sports. U.S. soccer star Christian Pulisic busted out the move. Pro football players hitting the Trump dance after big plays. Raiders rookie Brock Browers in the end zone.
Lions player Z'Darrius Smith after getting a sack. Titans wideout Calvin Ridley celebrated with teammates after a long score.
And UFC champ John Jones hitting the dance after knocking out his opponent while Trump watched.
Oh, just stop it with this, okay? I live by two rules. One, I do not mix politics and sports. And two, if I'm watching porn and they start speaking Russian, I'm out. The least I can do to support Ukraine. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, you know I support your anti-war jack sessions. Totally support. But you're dead wrong here. We need more politics in sports. Liberal athletes can do this too.
You score a touchdown and then you hit that Joe Biden. Who's gonna hate on that? I hate it, okay? We need to keep politics out of sports. Sunday is for drinking eight beers and watching football. Drinking eight beers and watching Rachel Maddow? That's a Monday thing. You're a Monday thing. Now you. I'm a Thursday thing. Oh, yeah. Best I could do is Wednesday thing. Deal.
Look, my point still stands, Ronnie. There should be more politics in sports. NHL goalies should be senators. And the slam dunk contest should be all Supreme Court justices. Which brings us to my big baller, Bet Bananza. What would so-to-so to my owner's signature dunk be called? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You need something to do alone in your car.
All right, moving on, Ronnie. As you know, it's not just football season. It's also the holiday season. Merry Christmas, Jordan. Yes, and to you, I wish a happy Buddhism Day. Okay, it's called Asian Christmas. Thank you very much. Point being, this year there's a new movie that combines the best of both seasons.
Hallmark is making history for the upcoming holiday season with their new film, Holiday Touchdown, a Chiefs love story. This marks the first time the company has collaborated with the NFL and the defending Super Bowl champions, the Kansas City Chiefs, are the true stars of the story.
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Chapter 6: What led to Takeru Kobayashi's retirement from competitive eating?
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