TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 3
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Get ready for battle. It's time for Sports Bowl. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. It's literally free money.
What's up, sports pros and sports bras? I'm Desi Lighting. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say cheerleading is not a real sport... Then I say, of course cheerleading is a sport. Why else would I be constantly watching it when I'm alone at home? Whatever keeps you indoors and away from people. Let's kick things off with our top story. Kaitlyn Clark has returned to the court from injury and not a moment too soon for the WNBA.
It wasn't just the Indiana fever that missed Kaitlyn Clark. The WNBA missed her and badly. Kaitlyn Clark effect. Since the WNBA stars injury, ticket prices have drastically dropped.
WNBA ratings plummeted 55% league-wide. Wow, so Caitlin Clark gets injured and you all just stop supporting women's basketball. You people bailed on the WNBA quicker than Desi did on her fifth marriage. Look. Fairweather fans make me sick. I, Jordan Klepper, champion of women, friend to the female, Maya Angelou lover, and Susan B. Anthony mega fan, am here to tell you there is plenty, I mean plenty, of excitement in the WNBA besides Caitlin Clark. Name one WNBA team. OK, I'll name three. The Cleveland Clams, Toledo Tampons, and the Boston Bushes. Go Bush. Jordan, you idiot. Those are possibly correct. I don't know. I was bluffing. Regardless, it's great that Clark's absence gave fans a chance to watch cooler, less popular sports like, I don't know, women's cornhole, which I happen to have played professionally.
In fact, people say I'm the Caitlyn Clark of cornhole. You're the Caitlyn Clark of cornhole. Who says that? You just did, you big dumb giraffe. Which brings us to our holy hot bed of the night. Will our ratings decline if Jordan Klepper gets injured by the hood of my car? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling, you can't spell degenerate without great. Staying in the world of basketball, did you know it's also played by men? And one former NBA star is making headlines in Puerto Rico by going a little nuts. Former Golden State Warrior Demarcus Cousins was suspended for the rest of the season in Puerto Rico's basketball league after this heated exchange with a fan during a game. Cousins made an obscene gesture, exchanged words with the fan.
The four-time NBA All-Star was ejected. This is awesome! He grabbed his crotch and wiped it on that fan's face. Anyone can shake a player's hand, but not many get to taste a player's ball sack, you know? I just bought season tickets at the Puerto Rican Basketball League, and I'll be watching every game courtside with my mouth wide open. Jordan, you human glory hole, you couldn't be more wrong. DeMarcus Cousins should know how to act professionally during the game. But after the game, he should break into that fan's car and rub that tank stank all over his steering wheel. The guy will have pink eye before he leaves the parking lot. Wait, is that how I got pink eye? Which brings us to tonight's Sack Attack Bed of the Week.
How many CDs will DeMarcus Cousins buy in his free time? Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
How did Kaitlyn Clark’s injury affect WNBA attendance and ratings?
Hold on, hold on. What CDs? CDs? No! These nuts have been brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Sack up in bed. I should have seen it coming. Moving on from a former pro to a current pro who just won't go away.
After months of speculation, looks like Aaron Rodgers, the former Jets and Packers quarterback, is going to the Pittsburgh Steelers. So this was a decision that was best for my soul.
Good for you, Aaron Rodgers. He listened to his soul, the one part of his body that can't get CTE. Desi. Desi, Desi, Desi, did your Botox your brain? Come on. Aaron Rodgers shouldn't be doing anything good for his soul. Everyone knows that bad souls equal great players. OJ Simpson, terrible soul, incredible player. Mother Teresa, great soul, dog shit quarterback. You're just mad she wouldn't sleep with you. The one that got away!
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:01–3:57
2
How did Kaitlyn Clark’s injury affect WNBA attendance and ratings?
3:57–10:41
3
What happened when DeMarcus Cousins confronted a fan in Puerto Rico?
10:41–15:52
4
Why is Aaron Rodgers’ move to the Steelers sparking controversy?
15:52–35:37
5
How did rowdy crowds and etiquette shape coverage of the US Open?
35:37–43:00
Speakers
1 identifiedMore from The Daily Show: Ears Edition
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