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Chapter 1: What improvements can be made to the NFL by borrowing from other sports?
What do MLB and the NFL have in common? Well, I mean, I guess a lot, play clocks and ball. For the purposes of this conversation, what I'm getting at is both their seasons this year open on a Wednesday. Yeah, Rogers League is just a Tuesday here or there from making like baseball and being an everyday sport.
Now, I don't know if you like that, but I do like the spirit of stealing from our former national pastime and some other sports too to punch up football a bit. Yeah, it's already great, but it could get even better. Here's a few thoughts in that direction. First, fix the lame in-game punishment mechanism, aka the yellow flag.
Guys are out there committing crimes of passion and all they get is a flag thrown at them? Pretty lame. Also lame, if you commit an error in MLB, they put an E up on the scoreboard. I guess that stands for Eek. If you want to stop the scourge of recidivism, you need stronger deterrents.
Like in basketball, when there's a foul, they let your victim take three shots and they make you stand there like a jackass watching from just a few feet away. Maybe even better, the NHL has a whole box for its rules violators. What Ned and that other guy in Pulp Fiction did with the GIMP, hockey refs do to jerks and skates.
So in football, where guys have to sit in a blue tent if they get bonked on the head, it'd only be justice for the guy who did the bonking to have to go sit in a shame tent and make sure it's see-through.
or maybe make him just play the rest of the game nude no bad ideas here next the english premier league has relegation which would be fantastic there's never a year in which some dumb fans don't ruminate about whether college football's best team could beat the nfl's worst team spoiler alert they couldn't but if only to prove a point let's do it it'll be great for everyone except those poor ohio state buck guys i don't know how they'll rebuild their self-esteem after losing to the jets
it'll be at the last second on a field goal but still next pro football's got better players but college football's got a better soundtrack soccer too and their fans are the ones who provide that soundtrack why don't we do nice acapella songs my fellow football americans At least we get the fight songs on Saturdays. But we need more on Sundays.
There's Bear Down Chicago Bears making every play on the way to victory. And Hail to the Commies or whatever they call that team. And the Steelers Polka where we're from the town with the great football team. And Fly Eagles fly. But where are the rest of you at? I thought this was a copycat league. Next, the Lombardi Trophy, sleek and stylish in a minimalist kind of way, I guess.
But no one would debate the Stanley Cup and Heisman are more iconic. And that's a problem when the NFL is by far and away our most popular sport. Why do we know who won the Heisman a decade ago, but not the NFL MVP? The cool trophy with the cool name. That's why the NFL needs to do that. Pick your enduring legend. I'd say Walter Payton, but he's already got a really cool trophy. Tom Brady, maybe?
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Chapter 2: How would football change if players could fight during games?
Well, I went to the World Series in Ought 2 against the Gigantics. Barry Bonds with the gigantic head and all of his teammates. Game 6, that iconic one, I was there for that. And he was behind John Whetland, who was the closer. He was the eighth inning guy. And that was when that sort of emerged. That was during that era in Major League Baseball.
And happy baseball season to everybody out there who follows along. Yeah. Yeah, with those glasses, and he was scrawny and otherwise, so he cut a distinct figure out there. And in that World Series, Barry Bonds hit the longest home run I think I've ever seen in my life, unless it was that one by Jose Canseco in Sky Dome.
The longest one I ever saw in my life was Glenn Allen Hill in Wrigley Field in the bottom of the eighth. That one is iconic on the north side of Chicago. He hit it, and I don't know if it went through a window, On Waveland or wherever it went, but it was a moon ball one way or the other.
And the reason I remember that one is because did you guys, Gino and Mike, you ever play mound ball at Marlins games or elsewhere? Don't know what you're talking about. Mound ball is at the end of every half inning, of course, once the final out is recorded. The catcher or first baseman or whoever records that out always rolls the ball back at the mound.
And mound ball is everybody in your group, Anthony's up $1 or $10 or $20 or $100 or whatever you want. And everybody anthes that up into a hat. And if the ball stays on the mound, because as you may have noticed, it slopes. So the ball is disinclined to stay atop the hill. It usually will roll off. But if it stays on there, you win that money.
My friends and I played that for a while at Wrigley Field. We were regulars going to Wrigley when we all lived around there.
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Chapter 3: What is the concept of relegation and how could it apply to the NFL?
But it was a little too passive. So then we came up with home run ball, which was more dynamic and everybody, every batter you would put, you would ante up again, whatever, $10, $20, whatever. And then every batter, if your guy didn't hit a home run and instead made an out, you had to put a dollar into the cap. And if he was looking at a third strike, $2. And if he hit it into a double play, $2.
But if he got a hit or a walk, you didn't have to put anything into the hat. And every batter, you pass the hat until somebody hits a home run. And on that one, we were in a really large group. It was one of my friends brought like 10 other guys. And there was like $1,200 in it, which was a massive amount of loot. It still is a massive amount of loot for somebody who was 23.
And I won all that money. In one fell shot, the thing is, though, part of the deal is that if you win that money, you have to spend it on booze for everybody. So I was left with roughly $11 after I bought everybody a beer. But still, it was a memorable moment. Thank you for listening to my story about mound ball that turned into home run ball.
Chapter 4: How do college football and the NFL compare in terms of culture and fan experience?
And give it a try at your next big league ball game. We need the NFL version. We need a football version of that is what I'm getting at. Sounds like everyone got drunk. That's my read. We may have shown up to the ballpark that way. Maybe we just continued going in that direction. Mike Fuentes or Gino, did my opening remarks inspire you in any direction? Do you have anything that we can steal?
I just volunteered mound ball. I don't know what the NFL version of that would be, but what could we take from another sport to jazz up the NFL a little bit more? Okay.
Chapter 5: What insights does Pablo Torre share about sports journalism?
Let me see. We talked about this a little bit. Power plays from the NHL. Yeah. Let's call it a personal foul penalty that brings that up. You have a personal foul penalty, you lose a player for the rest of the drive. No, I don't like that. You don't like that one? No. Sounds fun to me.
Chapter 6: What are Pablo Torre's favorite and least favorite words?
They like more points. The NFL is all about how can we get more points. You're going to pass interference.
You already tapped the quarterback on the face mask when you're rushing him, and it's 15 yards. We don't need anything to help them anymore. The cheap one to say is fighting. But I don't want to lose a guy for two minutes either. Even though it would be pretty epic if an offensive lineman and a DN just throw off their helmets, because that's what the hockey players do.
They take their helmets off, take the gloves off, and they start throwing blows. The second they go down, that's it. The thing is, I don't think you'd be able to keep the other gigantic people away from each other once the fists start getting thrown.
So the idea...
well well what it might inspire though is much like hockey has it has goons would you start well i guess nfl players are all by definition the entire defensive line on the other side is goons i guess you already have a bunch of pugilists ready to go right i guess well maybe you make it mike maybe that the the solution is you're allowed to fight but it has to it can only be your kickers oh no what what if like we take they'd be good like mma because they could kicking
Yeah, well, how about we just take those two guys and we separate them to like a pen, like a squared circle off on the sideline. Yeah, so that way you don't have other guys trying to jump in, you know? And then maybe even better, you electrify the fence. There you go. Now that really keeps everybody out. It keeps these guys from doing it. And that's, there you go.
And then, you know, after that, it's, you know, we'll say five drives. You know, it's five minutes major for fighting. We'll just say five drives. Like, I can't play for five drives.
All right, I got one. How about if you do this?
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Chapter 7: How does Pablo Torre define being a true sports fan?
You can do what soccer does here. You just have a running clock the whole time. And at the end of the game, when the clock runs out, the referee decides an arbitrary amount of time that they can play. And only he knows the amount of time that's left of the game.
Even better, at the beginning of the season, we get every team, like the Walter Payne Man of the Year Award, except everybody picks a fighter. And they all go to a secret island in the middle of Central Asia, and they have a kumite. And then the winner of the NFL Bloodsport they automatically make the playoffs and we got to play the season. How about that?
Well, listen, if they're now doing, I don't know if you saw that flag football job, and I really am anxious to talk with Pablo about that and who it benefits.
If they can now, and the league has signed off on them running around out there, and they literally were getting knocked down to the ground and everything, you couldn't do the old superstars competition, a decathlon of actually popular sports like 50-yard dash and closest to the pin. I've long wanted to do this with my friends. I just am too lazy to actually organize it. But
They used to have on TV the superstars competition. There was an obstacle course and a bike race and everything else. We could have all of that, and fighting can be one of the events. Let's not just have it be MMA or pugilism, but that is just one of the 10 or 12 events we have. Just a little powwow here, and look at how we've just improved football.
I hope Roger Goodell, I trust Roger Goodell, is listening. Before we get to Pablo, a couple other things I've been thinking about. This isn't a new thought for me. I don't understand why we call pants pants, as in plural, when it's only one item of clothing.
I understand there are two pant legs, but you get the pluralization when you say two pant legs, much as you do when you say two shirt sleeves. They're shirt sleeves because there are two of them, but it's a shirt. You understand? Why is it? Why is it? Give me my pant. I want my pant. I need to put on my pants so I can go. Why would I put on pants?
That implies I'm putting on two things, doesn't it? And when you pull on your pants, what do they cover up? They cover up your butt. So if we're going to pluralize what's covering your butt, why aren't we pluralizing?
Well, technically, technically, they also cover up your balls. All right, which is plural. So. Hmm. You chose to go.
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Chapter 8: What unique perspectives does Pablo Torre bring to the discussion about sports and media?
So she's a dope. And now I hope she doesn't call me because she doesn't deserve a billion dollars for her lack of faith. I'll say you guys. But wouldn't she be more upset that you picked up? Because then she wouldn't be a billionaire. Oh, right. She wouldn't win the billion if I picked up. So then she'd be upset at you two for picking up. That's what she would say. Can't win.
It's a loose situation for you, Dave.
Go eat some nuts, Mike Fuentes. Here we go. Let's get the Pablo Torre. Ooh, time to get fancy, everybody. We have a three-time Emmy nominee with us, by the way. Congratulations, Muzzletub, all the rest of it, to everybody associated with the great show. Pablo Torre finds out our pals Bailey and Randy and David and Amin and Matt and everybody else who works on the show. Good for all of you guys.
And now the guy whose name is actually a part of that show, it's Pablo Torre. Congratulations to you. How are you, man? Thanks for the time.
Dude, thank you for already being better at incorporating this thing into my own resume. I have yet to break out that honorific, and now I will do so without fail multiple times during this program as a three-time Emmy nominee. Thank you.
Well, first things first, Pablo, have you considered if you do win one, let's just say one, let's not get greedy, you get one, have you considered how you'll handle your acceptance speech?
Um, you know, I, this is a sincere answer, which I will give you, which is that our staff is so, no, we're, we're, we're so, we're so, we're so overworked and tired that I will genuinely thank everybody for being terrible parents and husbands and wives in order for us to drink from the chalice of external validation. That is the first response that I will have.
And the second thing is that I will abide by the lesson of Tony Kornheiser, who keeps his sports Emmys, as he has told me numerous times, in his bathroom. And so I aspire to do both of those things with no guarantee, of course, that either of those things will be presented to me. But it is a delight to contemplate.
I've had the occasion to provide counsel. No one's taken it. I haven't been an Emmy nominee myself directly. But I'd like to think that I would actually do this, that if I won an Oscar, an Emmy, I would throw a big party for everybody who helped get me there and thank them one by one sincerely. But I would use my limited time to call out everybody who ever doubted me. Oh, that's a good idea.
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