Chapter 1: What financial secret did the fiancé hide from his partner?
So I recently got engaged this summer. We've been living together for a couple of years before this. And every time I've asked him to sit down with the budget, he just kind of brushes me off like, no, we're fine. We're good. We're good.
Chapter 2: How does the host suggest addressing financial dishonesty in relationships?
How bad is it? How much does he owe?
It's well over $100,000. Okay. Well over.
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. Pull up a seat, grab some nachos, grab something to eat, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move when it comes to your marriage, to your relationships, to your friendships, to holiday travels, to your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.
For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move, and that's what we're going to do today. All right. Let's talk about your marriage right now. We have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks.
A couple get yours at Ramsey solutions.com slash getaway. Let's go out to Bismarck, North Dakota and talk to Renee. Hey Renee, what's going on?
Hi.
How are you?
Um, So I recently got engaged this summer. We've been living together for a couple of years before this. And every time I've asked him to sit down with the budget, he just kind of brushes me off like, no, we're fine. We're good. We're good. We have a couple of credit cards that I am a co-signer on. And I started noticing my... credit score dip.
Um, and let me, let me, let me pause right there. Let me back all the way out of this. So some people are a lot of people listening to the show. Don't know that I also co-host another show, the Ramsey show where it's a finance show. We're talking about money.
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Chapter 3: What impact does social media have on personal relationships?
I want you to... Part of trauma recovery is owning what I'm going to do next.
Yes.
Right? And so I want to own in this particular situation... I have let it go on for two years. And I'm not going to let it go on any longer. Yes. The deception and the dishonesty and the fantasy life, which is we're just going to ignore the realities of math. And I'm going to continue just to borrow money, buy money.
I mean, buy whatever I want or whatever I think is going to make one of these kids feel good in the moment.
Chapter 4: How can someone break free from a social media addiction?
And regardless of whether I have that money or not.
Yes.
But I also hear in your question, Let me say it this way. Rarely does someone who is completely avoiding reality in one area of their life, not doing that in other areas of their life. So where are there deeper issues of trust fracture in this relationship?
He is an alcoholic.
Okay.
He recently went to treatment and he's, I mean, he has been working on himself as far as that goes, but I don't think that he's getting to the deep, deep reasons of why he feels the need to do... He's a people pleaser, 100% a people pleaser. He wants to make sure people feel good all the time.
And this is something that I have asked him to work on in therapy so that, you know, like I've said, be selfish, be, you know... work on you. You don't have to worry about the rest of us. We'll take care of us. You need to work on you. So you're the best possible version of yourself for us. But I just don't think that he's getting it.
Well, and I think this is one of the cancers of the, what I would call a great landmark. I'm a part of this community, the mental health that has happened over the last 25 to 50 years. Yeah.
I think it's awesome, but this is one of the cancers, which is going to figure out why I'm a people pleaser, going to figure out why I'm so desperate that everybody around me be happy doesn't excuse the fact that he's lied to your face for two years.
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Chapter 5: What steps can be taken to rebuild trust after an affair?
Right.
Right.
And so you giving him a map that says, regardless of how uncomfortable you feel, regardless of how tired you are, we will sit down on Sunday nights and go over the budget together for the upcoming week and a calendar. If you come home to this house and you've been drinking, you can't stay here. Like you set those boundaries up. He's the one who violated the trust.
In my world, I call it financial infidelity.
Yes, I agree with that.
He cheated on you with money and he severed your attachment to safety. And let's take ownership. You allowed it to happen for two years.
Yes.
And so cool. I allowed this. And that's often a great way to enter into these conversations by using an I statement first. I allowed this. I asked you for budget numbers and you said it was all fine and I didn't follow up. That's on me. I'm taking 100% responsibility. And that stops today. How's that sound?
I like it. It sounds good.
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Chapter 6: How can one navigate family dynamics after infidelity?
It makes untangling that a nightmare.
Yeah.
And the last thing I'm going to tell you, can I tell you one more thing?
Yes.
If you're done, have the courage to leave.
Yes. And that is something I'm working in in therapy is how I'm feeling about things and trusting my gut.
Okay. If you're done, be done. If part of you healing is having been done or at the least say that the relationship we had is officially over, I'm willing to build a new one if you are. And here's what I want that architectural and design to look like on this new building, this new marriage, this new relationship.
Right.
And we're going to build it from the floor up and we'll try to work through it that way. But it's just, I don't want you to go through this experience, have somebody start to work through this roadmap of trust that you've created and begin ticking things off, growing. And the whole time you're like, yeah, but I'm still out. I'm still out. I'm still out. If you're out, have the courage to be out.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help in managing feelings of loneliness?
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Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Go into the Apple Store and download the Together app. It's my new app for married couples. It's awesome. Daily practices, one tiny step every single day. behaviors of language. What's one thing I can do to begin to love you more and more and more? And I just left a big, long meeting about the things they're adding into this app. It's amazing.
And it's going to be a long-term thing that grows with you over the course of your marriage and gets to know you better and better. It's awesome. It's called Together by Dr. John Deloney. Go check it out. Android folks, relax. We're coming. We're just not there yet. All right, let's go out to Tampa and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up?
Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.
Of course. What's going on?
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Chapter 8: What role does self-worth play in overcoming past mistakes?
All right. Let me, let me break in there on two things. One, if, so I liked it when someone is struggling with any sort of addictive behavior, I like to start from a place. It's not always true, but I like to start from a place of what if this addictive behavior works? What if it's actually helping you?
And of course, like any good addiction, it will take everything from you, but it's serving a purpose. What is it protecting you from? And often social media has taken the place of real human connections, real friends, people I call and who call you. It's a great Xanax for loneliness.
The second thing is I have a buddy who works in HVAC or I've got another friend who's a roofer, has a roofing company. Every day he has a hammer and a drill, but it would be nuts for him to come home and sit at his couch going with his drill or doing that at dinnertime. And so it's okay to have a job where you do a thing, unless that job becomes a moral crisis for you.
Like, I don't even know if I want to be a part of this system anymore. And I wrestle with that because I know the evils of social media and I've got a couple million followers. I get that too, but It's not a strange thing for me. In fact, it's important to me that I don't go home and try to be a counselor to my wife or to my kids. They need a dad. My wife needs a friend and a husband, right?
So both of those things can be true. But if I ask you, what is social media protecting you from? What is constant scrolling when you get home? What is that protecting you from? How would you answer that?
I think a lot of it's the loneliness thing. And I guess for more context, I've been working remote in some hybrid positions on or off since 2018. So right now I'm currently full-time remote as well.
Okay. Which is a cool, free-to-move-about-the-country position, and it is devastatingly lonely. Fair?
Yeah. Yeah.
And so what if we approach this in two ways? One, how can I keep my work tools in my toolkit for use at work? And number two, how can I solve the real challenge here, which is, how old are you?
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