Chapter 1: How does a busy husband impact parenting dynamics?
My husband has a pretty busy job, and so just isn't really able to help. We don't have a whole lot of family support, so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself.
Okay, the more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage is in pretty significant peril. So I guess the scary, terrifying question that I often ask folks is... What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
It's you and me and a couple of million people talking about what's going on in your life, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on. That's what this show is, sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Real people going through real challenges.
If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com and we'd love to have you on. All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramseysolutions.com slash getaway.
Let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to the great and wonderful Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?
Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm good. And you?
I'm doing well, thank you What's up? So I was calling because I guess my question is how to handle my husband's limited help as a mom to two under two. Yeah, I just recently had another baby and the baby is about four weeks old now. My first is about 17 months old, so very busy. My husband has a pretty busy job and so just isn't really able to help. We don't have a
whole lot of family support so I'm kind of stuck doing most of it by myself I think the key there is that last word you used yeah is motherhood was never designed to be by yourself yeah
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Chapter 2: What challenges arise from a lack of family support?
And you're going to have to be able to deal with that innate. I don't want to throw this on you. What I hear often is if I have to hire help, that somehow means that I wasn't enough. Or if I have to figure out how to get three or four or five or six women to come over on Tuesday mornings and Thursday mornings and they bring their kids and we just talk or we just stare off into space, whatever.
If I have to work that hard to have friends, I've never had to do that in college. I never had to do that in grad school. I never had to do that in undergrad, like in high school. But now I have to work that hard, then it must be something wrong with me. And it's you taking those two lies head on. And saying, what do I actually want and what do I actually need in terms of support and care here?
So tell me, what's the story beneath the story that's going on inside your heart and mind when it comes to you acknowledging, I'm real, real lonely here?
Yeah, I think... I think the part that's the hardest part for me is that, like, the extra stuff that comes with it. You know, I realize that you have to kind of work and play with the partners. And, you know, there's things that come with that, like these events and such. And I think I find myself at home essentially drowning with two kids. And I see my husband... not doing that.
I know his job is very taxing, but he's also going to these nice centers that are going on and these events. And it almost feels like I'm jealous in a sense that I am sitting here with these two kids by myself, just trying to stay afloat. And it's like, he's not there. He's not a part of it. He's not seeing it. And he's living this
Whole other life that doesn't even feel like he's really married and is like a father most of the time.
Okay, so I want you to have that conversation.
Yeah.
Because that's the thing beneath the thing. By the way, you're right to feel jealous. That doesn't make you a bad person.
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Chapter 3: How can a mother cope with feelings of jealousy towards her husband's work life?
I don't know.
Because it's a hard, you use, again, your choice of language is really instructive. It's really excellent. You're at a fork in the road. You said, hey, I need you here. And I'm actually supporting how hard you're working in the crazy hours of a first couple of years in big law. I'm really supporting of that. But then there's the, hey, we're all going for drinks.
And that's when you could come home and be a present husband and dad and you choose no. And he said, you're right. I do choose the other.
No.
Right. It's not like you've brought something to his attention. He doesn't know.
Right. Yeah. We've had a lot of, a lot of conversations about it. It definitely hasn't, hasn't not been talked about.
Would he go see somebody with you?
I don't know. Um, we've, we've talked about it before. Um, but I, I mean, I, I see a therapist that I've seen for a while. Um, and I've asked him to, and he's seems to be kind of indifferent about it. And it seems like it just kind of gets brushed off.
Okay. The more you're talking, the more I'm getting the sense that your marriage is in pretty significant peril.
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Chapter 4: What strategies can help in addressing marital responsibilities?
Right. I was on call for, for 20 years. Right. And so my wife lived with that. It wasn't fun. It wasn't great, but it's, yeah, you've, I mean, I hate to say this. I don't know success in your marriage outside of a marriage counselor for both of you together. because there's gotta be some harder conversations. And I don't know, without talking to him, I don't know if he just doesn't like it.
If he feels like home is a failure factory and he can be more successful there. If he's uncomfortable, he just doesn't have to. I don't know what's in his heart and mind and you don't either. But you've had all the preliminary conversations that I would recommend somebody have, which tells me, yeah, your marriage is at a precipice and you're feeling that.
And I think the important thing is to turn the lights on and stop the music. And here is what I'm asking of you. I need you home four nights a week. I need you home five nights a week. When you come home, I need help with the following things. I need you just to hold me on the couch for 45 minutes. That's it. Like, what are those things look like?
And having the deeper questions is big law right for our family. And anybody who gets married has to know what's right for me goes to second place when you say till death do us part. And then you start bringing kids into it. You become second place, third place. Like, but this is what I want. Okay. But this is what we, this is their set of responsibilities you took on when you married me.
This is a set of responsibilities you took on when we created humans together. And it might look different than we had it mapped out. But I think you're at a place where hard conversations or deep conversations aren't going to be as much, there's not going to be a lot of utility there. It is, here's a set of actions. Are you in or are you out? Let's have that conversation.
I wish you the absolute best. This is a tough, tough situation. And it's a tough situation for him too. I know that also. Thanks for the call, sister. I don't feel like I was very much help to you other than to clear it up and say, you're not crazy. I don't think he's crazy, but y'all have some really hard reckoning.
No more hard conversations, but some hard reckoning about our actions going to be a part of what happens next. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks how to cope with her in-laws weaponizing religion just to create conflict. I'm excited to tell you about Cove. Cove is a smart, affordable home security company with one mission.
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Chapter 5: How should one approach difficult conversations about unmet expectations?
Duh.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. I know.
I know. Listen, here's the brass tacks truth. He has to make the call. Yeah. That call is going to be informed by a wife who loves him deeply and will be his ride or die, come hell or high water. But he's going to have to make that call. Otherwise, if you sever the relationship with his family, there's going to be a wedge between the two of you.
However small or thin or invisible it feels, it will be there forever.
Yeah.
And the second thing is, is you'll have to exhale and grieve the fact that his parents would rather y'all continue to be elementary school kids and do exactly what they say whenever they say it, then they would prefer to be in relationship with you.
Yeah.
And that's not how parents should be, but that's what you got.
Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it's heavy just, you know, with that, because I... crave the unity. And so I put it on my, my shoulders for a long time, especially because we were in the middle in hearing both sides. Um, not necessarily just his parents, but I mean, his, his sister as well, he has a couple of sisters and, and one sister is in their boat still.
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