Chapter 1: How can I address my husband's racist and misogynistic behavior?
He'll make, like, racial remarks and, like, misogynistic remarks towards, like, me, other women.
You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women, to get him to go to counseling? Hey, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. Glad that you're here. I'm a husband and a dad.
The guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee, taking calls, your calls from all over the planet, real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK, fill out the form, and we'll see if we can get you on the show.
Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Kristen. Hey, Kristen, what's up, lady?
Hey, John, how are you?
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Chapter 2: What should I consider when asking my husband to go back to counseling?
I'm good. How are you?
You know, hanging by a thread.
Oh, God. Well, I'm glad that you called.
Yeah, all good. Yeah, so I called. I would just appreciate some maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to couples counseling with me after he made it clear he will not do it again.
Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do you want him to go to counseling again?
Um... I just see a big change in him and I just don't see how we can move forward in our marriage if we don't talk to somebody about it.
What's going on?
I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe a year and a half or so, just like he's changed a lot as far as like he'll make like racial remarks and like misogynistic remarks towards like me, other women, um, like anti-Semitic remarks towards me. Uh, it's in front of our kids. Um, and I just, do you have Jewish heritage? I can't do it anymore.
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Chapter 3: How do I recognize changes in my husband's attitude and comments?
Uh, I'm sorry. Say that again.
Do you have Jewish heritage?
Um, I, I have, um, ancestry in it, but it's not, I, it's not like, uh, I grew up in the faith or anything.
So, You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling?
Yeah.
I don't think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks.
Yeah, I know. And it just like, it, it wasn't like this. Um, he's always been a colorful guy, but like, it's never been like, like this.
And I just, um, what happens when you say, okay. Cause, cause let's be honest. There was a season when, um, even whispering a funny joke or an unfunny joke or an off color joke, um, would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere, right? There was the cancellation years, we call them. And in some places, they're still in effect, but other places, whatever.
And then we've had the last few years what they're like, everything's back on the table again, right? And here's the thing. There is a...
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Chapter 4: What deeper issues might be affecting my husband's behavior?
I live in comedy clubs, right? So I've seen a resurgence in more what I would call off color or like, oh my gosh, can't believe you said that comedy. But at least where I am, it's all part of, it's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying? Like there's high fives all around in the green room is what I would say. Right. And any jokes are not at people. They are with people. Okay.
And hope what I'm saying makes sense. Yeah. But then there's been a rise in, or it feels like an unleashing in, oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm going to tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke. It's not being silly. It's not being funny. It's not pointing out things. It is. I feel powerful again. I'm going to hurt people with my words, make myself feel bigger.
And so you say that your husband's always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy. Yeah. And...
Chapter 5: How can I effectively communicate my feelings to my husband?
In my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That was part of my job. That was an important part of my job. And spending time with those people, we would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room, right? But I would consider myself a colorful guy. But there's also a time and a place and a context, right? Mm-hmm. And so...
I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you're, what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed.
Yeah. It used to be where it was like funny and good natured. And now it just feels like, like much darker and, And it just, it bothers me. And if I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and everybody is so sensitive now and you can't say anything. And it's like, I just, I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
Okay. But this is happening, not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening?
I'm not, I'm really not sure. And I, I feel like I can't ask him anything.
Where else is this resur... Where else is this surfacing? Is it surfacing in how he talks to your kids and treats your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing?
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Chapter 6: What steps can I take to rebuild trust in my relationship?
Is he controlling the money now? Like, where else is this coming from?
No, no, no. There's no, like, controlling of the money. It's, like... It's almost like he'll try to have a conversation with me or... Like, he's just very... I guess politically minded. He likes to talk about it and like, that's just not me. And so he'll try to like draw it out of me and he gets angry. It's like, or irritated.
It's like, I, I don't kind of go along with it or, or have this conversation with him. And that's where a lot of it will be, or it'll just be kind of like random.
Let's take joke sensitivity off the table because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin. And he bought you a, I don't know, like a wool jacket. And it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused like, it made them raw. Okay?
Yeah.
And if you said, hey, I love this jacket, I love that you bought this for me, but my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms bleed, making them itch. Would he tell you you just got to toughen up and get tougher skin?
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Chapter 7: How can a father reconnect with a daughter he gave up for adoption?
No.
Or would he say, oh man, I tried. Yeah, you can't wear that jacket.
Yeah, he would say that he tried and I don't have to wear it.
Okay.
When it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what, forget offense, what I'm not interested in hearing, if somebody has the courage to say, hey, I don't think that's funny or I don't think that's accurate or that's not a conversation I want to engage in, and somebody's response is, oh, you're just too, then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over.
And that's not marriage. Marriage is being with, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey, I've seen a shift in you and I don't think these things are funny and it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm, or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that. But I don't want these jokes in my house.
I don't want these jokes around me and I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids.
I guess I haven't been super clear about it. It feels like when I try to tell him I don't like it, it just spirals into an argument. Okay. I was hoping if we went back to therapy, there'd be a third person there that would maybe prevent that.
No. He's already said, I'm not doing that again.
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Chapter 8: Should I buy a house with my future in-laws or on my own?
I'm out of here. You're just like every other, like whatever, fill in the blank with misogynist comment and he can walk out. Do you think he loves you?
I do. Yeah.
Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth too. I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean. And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy I married. And I miss you.
Yeah, I miss him a lot.
Okay, tell him that. And if your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you're getting off the internet, if your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy I married.
Okay, the end.
How come you're crying?
I don't know. I'm just a crier. No, it's okay.
Are you scared that he's going to walk away?
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