Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway.
As the parents of a drug addict son that regularly terrorizes the small town we live in, how do we live daily life while navigating personal embarrassment, anger, and guilt? Oh, man. He was arrested for kidnapping a minor at the age of 14. Like, I'm talking major, major things. Yeah.
What's going on? I'm so glad you're here. So glad you're here. I'm John. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm glad that you pulled up a seat or wherever you happen to be. If you're sitting down somewhere, if you are cleaning something up, if you're driving somewhere, I'm glad that you've chosen this podcast. Or if you're watching us on the YouTubes, I'm glad that you're here.
There's a trillion other shows you can be watching or listening to, and I'm really grateful for your time. On this show, we talk to real people. I'm a real guy. I'm a real boy. Not an AI, like whatever. I'm a real person that sits with real hurting people who are going through real challenges. And I'm glad that you're here.
If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form and we will get you on the show. Let's go out to North Bay, Ontario and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn?
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Chapter 2: How do parents cope with a child's drug addiction?
Hello. Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm okay. Navigating.
Navigating. Oh, dude, that's a great word. Well done. That's awesome. How can I help?
So I'll just read you the question as I wrote it in, and then we can expand from there.
Sounds good.
So my question was, as the parents of a drug addict son that regularly terrorizes the small town we live in, how do we live daily life while at the same time navigating outsiders' assumptions, personal embarrassment, shame, anger, and guilt?
Oh, man.
It's a lot.
Yeah. Have you ever said that out loud before?
Not to anyone other than my husband.
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Chapter 3: How can parents manage feelings of shame and embarrassment?
I'd love to take your son in. Then great. When somebody calls me and says, hey, you said something about nutrition and you're actually wrong here and here's where it was. I love that kind of stuff. But if somebody just wants to throw grenades, I can't do anything about it. Right. And you can't either. What you can do is the next right thing.
If he comes over and threatens somebody in your home, then I'm going to call the police and have him arrested because he's not safe. Because now he's a man in the community that's putting my life at risk or my husband's life at risk.
Yeah, we do that on a regular. So he hasn't actually been allowed in my home in two years.
Okay. Can I stop right there real quick? Can I applaud you for that? Because I know that's devastating. That's so hard, right?
It's very difficult. And I have to give all the credit for that to my husband because I took his lead on that because I was reacting from a far too emotional space. And he tends to be way more logical thinking.
It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. I don't want you to think that there's something deficient in how you're approaching this. You're a mother. You're supposed to go down on the Titanic with your kids. And your husband is also in this space where he's going to ride or die with his kids and he's going to protect his wife.
And that was the conversation that him and I had two years ago where he said that my husband explained that I was, not that he was saying I was getting in his way, but that I was making it difficult for him to be able to protect the house and home. which is then expected of him, especially as from society. And so that's when we came to the decision that like the front porch is okay.
And so when he shows up at two o'clock in the morning with a busted head or whatever, then I just sit on the porch and call 911 or call the police if I have to, or whatever's going on. I don't know. I just.
Hold on. Hold on. Can I sit here with you on that one? Like, I don't want to blow by that. Moms are supposed to. But the way the world works, you shouldn't have to sit on the front porch with a very, very ill son while he's bleeding and not be able to hug him because he might hurt you. It's not supposed to be that way.
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Chapter 4: What strategies help families navigate public scrutiny?
Okay. Okay. You're allowed to be mad at your son. You're allowed to be scared of your son. You're allowed to have had the thought, I wish I'd only had one of them instead of twins. All those thoughts are okay. You're not crazy.
And then there's that scary, harrowing thing, which is why I'm glad you've got a ride or die husband because there's probably moments when he's over analytical and there needs to be some compassion in that home, which is the role you play. And there's also some moments when someone says, hey, this house isn't safe. A hug's not going to solve this one. We need to call the police.
And that's why y'all work together as a team. It's good. You're both a gift to a really messy situation. The question you're going to have to answer moving forward is, do you have the courage to just delete Facebook?
Yeah, I could do that. But I don't think it would really change much because, like, you know, like you said, I get the points and the snickers and people will say some nasty things like, Where's your face? And I don't know if they know that they're being nasty or if they just think they're entitled to your information or... No, it's different than that.
There's this... I won't get all nerdy. Some people, when something happens to them... It's fundamental attribution error to just be a nerd for a second. When I do something, it's because I have a good reason. When somebody else does something, it's because they're a bad person. Right? If I'm speeding, it's because I really got to get to work.
If you're speeding, it's because you're on drugs and you're trying to hurt people and you don't care about anybody. Right?
Right.
Yes, and so I'm gonna expand that a little bit. Anytime you get in the mind of somebody else and try to figure out why they just did what they did, you're wasting your time and your energy because you're never gonna know. My gut tells me that when somebody makes a comment, they're doing anything, they're looking for any reason in the world why they're not a failure, why they're not less than.
Because by the way, I got two amazing kids. And I don't think I'm doing a great job most of the time. And so if I can see a kid who's acting out in a restaurant, it makes me feel better to be like, well, at least my kid's not that, right? But here's the deal. You have no idea why people are saying what they're saying. Maybe they are just mean.
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