A Pick Up Artist reformed
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What motivated Neil Strauss to write *The Game* and how does he describe its original intent?
The Hookup. Love and
f***ing.
On Triple J.
Warning, sex and adult themes. Hey, Hannah Riley here. Thanks for listening to The Hookup Podcast. We recently spoke to Neil Strauss, author of The Game, the book that brought pickup artistry into the mainstream.
I think I just had really tried everything in terms of meeting women. I just always had a crush on women and I'd sort of go out with them and then maybe we'd even maybe have some drinks. We'd be back at my house. I'd try to make the big move and then I'd either get the cheek turn and I don't think of you like that. I think of you as a friend. And then they talk about this jerk that they'd slept with and won't call him back. And I'm like, I would call you back. I would totally date you. Why do you keep dating that jerk and not me? And I just couldn't understand it. Uh, and, and I tried and tried and tried and eventually I just gave up. I thought, you know what, at least I'm successful as a writer. I can have a, you know, long and lonely writing career.
It's solitary. It's great. And then a book editor told me about the secret underground community of pickup artists. And he wanted me to write a, compile the information to a how to book.
This is a part of it that really interests me because there's a lot of conflicting ideas about what the book was about or intended for. What were your intentions when you wrote the book?
No one's perception of the book, if they've read it, is wrong. It's just their perception. But my intention was it was a book about male insecurity. And I really thought in my maybe naivete that it would be almost empowering for women to read because they'd realize like, oh, my God, these guys are so scared and so terrified. And when someone approaches me, like I really am holding their entire self-esteem in my hands. And the, I guess, ironic thing is that a book was really about fear of – women became an excuse, you know, became a reason people were even more afraid of men. So that backfired. I mean, these guys, they're so smart about the way they've understood social dynamics to the degree that one day after the book came out, I got a call from the FBI and they were like, we give this book to our field agents to read and we want you to come in and train our agents in this stuff.
But I guess the question is, do you use those powers for good or evil?
Or the other question is, is there any good to be used, done from those powers? Because I think when I wrote the book, what's changed is this. When I wrote the book, I thought, okay, there's some good stuff to it and some bad stuff to it. And I'm kind of being, you know, I'm saying, here's what's good about it. Here's what's bad about it.
How does Neil explain the ethical dilemma of using pickup techniques for manipulation versus genuine connection?
But now perhaps any form of manipulation is inherently wrong on a, probably some, on one level.
Absolutely. I mean, what's, what specific techniques are you referring to there in the book?
See, here's the thing. It's about anything that wants an outcome from somebody else, right? So in other words, are you going on a date with somebody to see how far you can get with them, whether it's sexually or in a relationship? It's the same thing. It's still manipulation. Or are you going on a date just to meet somebody and connect with somebody? So it's really about... sort of that outcome dependence or wanting outcome for someone else versus, Hey, it's great. Learn. Why not learn how to socially interact and how to connect with other people and how to have conversations and feel good about yourself. That that's the positive part.
I think the problem that people have with negging is it's just this little capsule of what it's kind of encapsulated. What can be wrong with the relationships between men and women in general, like so much of society is about lowering a woman's ego, putting her in her place, uh, And I totally understand that parts of it are flirty banter, but I think some people as well can find it deeply misogynistic.
I mean, everything in the book is misogynistic because it's all about objectifying, right? Anything that objectifies somebody else.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What motivated Neil Strauss to write *The Game* and how does he describe its original intent?
0:02–2:40
2
How does Neil explain the ethical dilemma of using pickup techniques for manipulation versus genuine connection?
2:40–5:33
3
What did Neil learn from the FBI’s interest in his book and how does he view the power of those techniques?
5:33–8:03
4
Why did Neil decide to check into sex‑addiction rehab and what was the turning point that forced him to change?
8:03–10:36
5
How did his childhood and relationship with his mother shape his later behavior and the need for therapy?
10:36–13:19
6
What advice does clinical psychologist Sian give about healthier ways for socially anxious men to build confidence?
13:19–16:03
7
Why do Neil and the experts consider negging and objectification dangerous for relationships?
16:03–17:26
8
How has Neil rebuilt trust and honesty in his marriage after the fallout from *The Game*?
17:26–20:46