Asexuality: 'you're not trying hard enough'
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What is asexuality and how common is it?
We live in a very sexualised society. People kind of find it very hard to believe the lack of sexual desire could be possible.
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On Triple J. Warning, sex and adult themes. Something we like to talk about here on The Hookup is the idea of sexuality as a spectrum. So what if you had zero sexual desire whatsoever, not even a tingle? We're talking about asexuality, and it's estimated that 1% of people have no sexual attraction towards other people, and the majority are women. Being asexual or ace is starting to be talked about a whole lot more, but like all boxes, it's full of very diverse experiences. Some people have no sexual desire but are still emotionally attracted to other people. For others, that's off the cards. Ellen got in touch with us about her experiences of asexuality and what it can mean for relationships.
Hey there, I'm Ellen. I'm 23 from Canberra and I identify as asexual. For me, asexuality is just a lack of sexual attraction. So I don't feel lust. I don't find people sexually attractive at all. So I'm panromantic, which means that I've experienced romantic attraction to all genders. I learned a lot about asexuality through some friends that identify as ace and aromantic, and quite a lot of the information I got was from online. And the more I read and learned about it, the more I kind of realized that I identified a lot with it. And that's kind of when I had the, oh, okay, moment and realized that, yeah, I am asexual too. In high school, my group of friends weren't really into the dating scene that much.
So I had like one or two friends that had long-term boyfriends and we just didn't, it wasn't really a topic of conversation amongst our group of friends. So I didn't really think of it that much. So it didn't really click that I wasn't, like, straight. So it took a while until I was probably early 20s to realise that, oh, everyone's kind of talking about doing it and wanting to be with certain people and I just have zero interest in that. So my partner and I were probably about four years into a relationship and we were in a sexual relationship even though I didn't find him sexually attractive. It was, yeah, it was a bit... interesting for me because I'd probably realized that six or twelve months before I decided to come out to him about it I wasn't too sure how he'd take it he said that he'd support me and I said that I was happy to keep things the way that they were so it didn't really affect us too much then but I think it kind of played on his mind a lot that I didn't find him sexually attractive I'm a pretty big part of an online community
for asexuals and you get a lot of variety.
How did Ellen discover she was asexual and what was her coming‑out experience?
So some people will avoid dating sexual people altogether because they don't want to have anything to do with that. To be honest, after my last relationship, I'm pretty turned off entirely. I've decided that unless, I don't know, I can't really see myself having sex again unless I'm there, unless my feelings change about it. I think one of the biggest misconceptions about asexuality is that Asexuality and celibacy are the same thing. There's quite a few people that still enjoy an active sex life even though they identify as asexual. You don't have to be repulsed by sex to be asexual. You can still engage in whatever activities you want. Behaviour doesn't dictate your
orientation.
Asexuality. Do you know much about it? Well, to be honest, neither do I, but it's okay. We're going to be learning together because I'm joined by Kira Usher, who organized the first asexual float in the 2016 Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, and Brett Paradise, who's the CEO of Sexually Diverse Support Organization 2010. Thank you so much for joining us on The Hookup, guys. Thanks. Thanks. For those of us who are unacquainted with the term, what is asexuality? I'll start with you, Brett.
Well, the simplest term you could probably go with is somebody that doesn't really experience sexual desire. But that comes under a much broader heading than that, and everyone's idea of that is different.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is asexuality and how common is it?
0:00–3:13
2
How did Ellen discover she was asexual and what was her coming‑out experience?
3:13–5:44
3
Why did Kira organize the first asexual float at Mardi Gras and what did it look like?
5:44–8:19
4
What are the biggest misconceptions people have about asexuality?
8:19–10:55
5
How do support services like twenty10 help people explore if they are asexual?
10:55–13:58
6
Can asexual people have romantic relationships and what does an ideal partnership look like?
13:58–16:36
7
Is asexuality the same as celibacy or a choice, and how does sexuality fluidity play a role?
16:36–19:15
8
What resources and final advice do the guests give for understanding and embracing asexuality?
19:15–22:18