Dating after grief
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Why do we feel a strong urge to date right after a loss?
It's really kind of quite normal to want to have somebody and to want to have somebody close. And it's a natural thing anyway, to want to have a partner. So during that time it is a really complicated process. People are vulnerable during that period. And that's the thing that we need to take into consideration the most when you have those strong feelings. Because, you know, we really just want someone to take those away. You know, we want to feel safe and secure. And the the issue with that is sometimes we can make decisions we wouldn't otherwise necessarily.
The hoca Love and
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On Triple J.
Warning Sex and Adult Themes. At some point in your life you'll experience grief at the loss of someone that you love, and you'll probably be a wreck. But what if you meet someone? How soon should you start dating again? And what are the dangers of falling in love when you're at your most emotionally vulnerable? Recently we received a letter from Patrick in rural New South Wales who needed some help. So we brought in clinical psychologist Sean Baker Sorrectly to chat about it. In August my dad passed away and I've been trying to get my life sorted ever since. When is it right for me to be with someone? Is it unfair on a potential partner to have such baggage attached? I really feel the need for love and affection, but really want to be able to give the same amount of love to a partner as is shown to me.
It'd do me a world of good to have someone in my life, but I'm still working myself out. Perhaps a partner could help with that, but I kind of feel like it might be unfair and one sided, but then who doesn't have baggage going into a relationship? Sean, what do you think?
Well, very good, very good question and a lot of issues and you know, a lot of complexities there. But I think the main things to be aware of is that if you do choose to go into a relationship fairly early on afterwards, there's a few dangers that you've got to look out for. So firstly there's that strong desire to meet somebody, to to kind of feel that vulnerability. Now if you go down that path The the issue is you could potentially find a partner who might not be so compatible for you.
What are the main dangers of entering a new relationship while grieving?
Um if they're not taking care of your needs, you can kind of feel fantastic in the moment. You know, you feel that void a hundred percent filled, but then afterwards you can feel quite, you know, emotional as well. And the other issue is is you know, there there's two other scenarios as well in that situation. You know, one is where you go down that pathway, you feel fantastic, you get your needs needs met and then you find out you actually don't have those strong feelings once you start to recover and move on from the grief. And the other one is you could also get quite dependent on that relationship if they're helping you to feel stronger to move through that process.
I thought the um baggage comment was interesting and feeling like it would be unfair to start a relationship with someone at this stage. What do you think about that?
Look, I think you know, it's it's not necessarily unfair. I think if you're open and you're clear about where you're at. And also if you're, you know, trying to kind of deal with it w in a healthy way, it's not unfair, you know, like people meet people at all stages of their life and you can't necessarily dictate when that's gonna happen. But in terms of your own vulnerability, when you're kind of ready to do that, that's more the important kind of issue there.
And I think one of the most difficult parts is the when in that question. The when, because when you're grieving someone or you've had a big loss, it's never really over. I mean, it can it can live with you forever and so that when question becomes incredibly difficult.
Look, that's right. And and what we know about grief is it's not necessarily a stage process that ends. It can go it carries through the the rest of your life and just takes different form in terms of what your relationship with that person in the past is now like and how it changes over time.
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Chapters
7 chapters
1
Why do we feel a strong urge to date right after a loss?
0:00–2:18
2
What are the main dangers of entering a new relationship while grieving?
2:18–5:48
3
How can you tell if a partner is compatible or just filling a grief‑filled void?
5:48–8:32
4
What does “five‑out‑of‑ten” love look like and why is it safer after loss?
8:32–11:59
5
How can guilt surface when you date during mourning, and is it justified?
11:59–14:58
6
What practical steps help you set healthy boundaries with a new partner?
14:58–18:03
7
How should a grieving partner support someone who is also navigating loss?
18:03–18:48