The urge to merge. Moving in with you partner
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What stereotypes exist about lesbians moving in together too quickly?
You know, when you move in together you start seeing some really ugly things quite quickly. Um things that you might have like previously been ignoring. Um and that those walls kinda come crashing down. There's I suppose an element where it burns pretty quickly. The relationship just becomes kind of dysfunctional in some respects. The
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When is the right time to move in with your new flame? Is there a checklist of things you have to have done together? Maybe a minimum time frame? There's certainly a stereotype that says lesbians go on a couple of dates and then boom, it's time to shack up. Charlotte Meldram Hannah has been in that situation before. Why does this stereotype exist of, you know, lesbians moving too fast in a relationship?
Well I think I don't want to get like too complicated in terms of like sociology and politics and that on this show, so that's great. Basically I kind of had a theory that I decided to put to the test. You've kind of got the idea of People being like growing up, for example, lesbian growing up, me personally, homophobic, slightly misogynistic environment that I'm in. And then there's like a little bit of a void from that, like a little bit of a sadness. I meet a lover, you know, you've got that whole hormone called oxytocin, which women like produce very, very well. And then you've got the two of them that are just producing it nonstop. There's nothing that's gonna stop them.
Is there a scientific basis for the ‘urge to merge’ when couples move in together?
There's nothing. It's a moving freight trade. No tra it totally, totally is. So that's kind of that's kind of the opinion and it's not really mine, it's science now as well. We've got science on our side. So So you think it exists? It's a true thing that happens. Yeah, totally. Unless you kind of step back from it. And um don't allow the rush of love and the excitement of it all to completely take over. I think Specifically lesbians have a tendency to just wanna to shack up and maybe get a couple of cats. And so what happens then? A couple just a just two? Oh look, I I mean, hey, it it varies. I I know of a couple that have ten. Oh I'm pushing that. I really pushing that.
Any anything more than two is way too many for me. So when you guys move in, um, you're both crazy in love, you've, you know, known each other for only a few weeks. Um, what happens then?
How did Charlotte and David’s own “shack‑up” experiences shape their view on moving in early?
Do you guys just peek behind that curtain and you're like, Oh no, who is this person?
Well there's this kind of idea that you don't you don't really um you don't really test your partner to see if they're compatible because you're so worked up in all of the emotion and the love, you don't really start seeing the flaws that you would ordinarily see if you were kind of dating someone over, you know, like a four, six month period. Like what a lot of regular people do, I suppose. So, you know, when you move in together you start seeing some really ugly things quite quickly. Um, things that you might have like previously been ignoring. Um and that those walls kinda come crashing down. There's I suppose an element where it burns pretty quickly. The relationship just becomes kind of dysfunctional in some respects.
And do you think if it wasn't this kind of like real quick urge to merge, that relationship would have just been stretched out at o over a longer period of time and come to its natural conclusion? Potentially,
yeah. I think I think in my experience anyway, it's very much been I have been blinded by love and passion, that I haven't seen the warning signs or the red flags until a little bit later down the track. And I think if I'd kind of taken a moment and, like I said, that step back to casually date for a little while, I think that I would have recognized those warning signs a little sooner.
Well, I think this urge to merge isn't exclusive to lesbians. No. We are joined by actor and comedian David Quirk, who sounds like y you had a bit of an urge to merge thing in the relationship where you moved in with that girl. Do you think you were kind of blinded to the potential signs of the relationship not working.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What stereotypes exist about lesbians moving in together too quickly?
0:01–1:33
2
Is there a scientific basis for the ‘urge to merge’ when couples move in together?
1:33–2:20
3
How did Charlotte and David’s own “shack‑up” experiences shape their view on moving in early?
2:20–4:09
4
What warning signs or red flags appear when couples rush to live together?
4:09–5:06
5
Does the urge to merge increase the likelihood of break‑ups or make partners more resilient?
5:06–6:30
6
How can you have a realistic conversation about moving in for the first time?
6:30–7:43
7
What practical concerns (like space, pets, finances) arise when deciding who moves where?
7:43–9:26
8
What final advice do the hosts give to listeners nervous about taking the next step?
9:26–10:53