What is ethical non-monogamy? And is it for me?
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What is ethical non‑monogamy and how does it differ from traditional monogamy?
This is an ABC podcast. For most of your life, you've probably been told that you date until you find the one. You become a couple and that person is your everything. You get married, maybe you have kids, and if one person strays or desires someone else, it's cheating. A destructive act few couples can come back from. If you love more than one person at a time, or are even just hot for more than one, you have to choose. But what if it didn't have to be that way? I'm Nat Tencich and that bold new world is ethical non-monogamy. You might have seen it pop up more and more on the apps, but what does it really mean for you? And should you take a chance and swipe right? On this episode, you'll hear the answer to those questions, as well as how to convert a previously monogamous relationship into an open one, and what to do if you realize it actually isn't for you.
EM, open relationships, looking for a third, thruples, polyamorous, polycules. It's all popping up more and more. And research shows more people are searching for monogamy alternatives online. Heck, even Willow Smith came out as polyamorous earlier this year. It's twenty twenty one and after years of people spreading the word about options outside of monogamy, it's catching on.
Ethical non-monogamy and consensual non-monogamy are both kind of being used interchangeably at this point, but I think that there's actually more of a leaning towards consensual non-monogamy because everybody's ethics are different. This is Jenna
Trossell, a relationship therapist that specializes in non-conformist relationships, in particular non-monogamous
ones. It's pretty obvious that consensual non monogamy is just means that you wanna not cheat, uh you you want things to be above board. It's about having relationships with the potential for multiple partners and multiple loves without it being um something that you have to hide or lie about.
Sounds pretty good, right? Almost too simple, hey. How do you stop cheating? Just make cheating not a thing. This reassessment of relationship structures is refreshing for a lot of people, which is why it's becoming more popular. Or at least more people are open to trying it.
These days people want to try different things. And I guess with cheating, um, you know, that's happened for as long as relationships have happened, and now that more people know that it's possible to have an alternative to that and feel good about exploring with what more than one person, that that's where people want to go.
So what can this glorious alternative look like? Ethical or consensual non-monogamy is really just an umbrella term. Jenna says the way you do it comes in so, so many forms.
There are so many options and there's always uh new phrases coming out and and kind of new vocabulary. And so, you know, some of the things that I say might even kind of be outdated because somebody might call in and be like, well, this thing means this now. Um, but generally, uh, hierarchical polyamory is the idea that somebody tends to have a primary partner, which is somebody that they uh are making a life with. Um, that person might be a nesting partner, somebody that they live with, um, or you know, that they're might plan on getting married, um, or they might already be married. Uh, and so hierarchical polyamory, if that if that relationship opens up, um other people that those people start dating are considered secondaries.
Um so they would be kind of beneath uh the primary relationship in the kind of relationship. Escalator. Um, whereas relationship anarchists think of relationships like all relationships kind of as a buffet. Um and so They don't necessarily think of romantic relationships as more important than friendship relationships. Um, they'll look at, you know, a person and be like, okay, do I want cuddling with this person? Do I want a sexual relationship with this person?
What are the main types of ethical non‑monogamy (hierarchical, anarchist, open, kitchen‑table, etc.)?
Um, you know, how much time do we want to spend together? And they take it on a really individual basis and just decide which plates of activities they want to grab from in
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is ethical non‑monogamy and how does it differ from traditional monogamy?
0:02–4:14
2
What are the main types of ethical non‑monogamy (hierarchical, anarchist, open, kitchen‑table, etc.)?
4:14–8:32
3
How can a couple transition from a monogamous to an open relationship?
8:32–11:56
4
What communication tools and agreements are essential for successful non‑monogamy?
11:56–15:29
5
What are common challenges (jealousy, boundaries, rules vs. agreements) and how can they be managed?
15:29–19:25
6
Is ethical non‑monogamy a relationship style or a part of personal identity?
19:25–23:38
7
When is it okay to walk away if non‑monogamy isn’t working for you?
23:38–27:11
8
Should listeners give ethical non‑monogamy a try, even if they’re currently monogamous?
27:11–30:53