What to do when your parents and partner(s) don't get along
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Why do conflicts between parents and partners feel like a tug‑of‑war?
Your mom, your mom
hates me. No, no, she
doesn't hate you, she just doesn't know you.
For many of us, our partners and our parents take the top spots in terms of important people in our lives. Our parents have raised us, instilled values in us, and given us life experiences that no one else can. But our partners are just as important, fulfilling physical and emotional needs that parents just can't. And so it generally helps for them to get along. But what do you do when they don't? Pip Rasmussen here, filling in for Nat Tencich. And in this episode, we're looking at the sometimes complicated and fragile relationship between your parents and your partner. And we're gonna find out what to do if they're at war and you're caught in the crossfire. When your parents and partner are in conflict, it can feel like a game of tug-a-war.
Your parents are on one end and your partner is on the other and you're stuck in the middle, with seemingly very few options. Either you have to be a peacemaker or give up and choose a side. This is something that Kate is going through right now. And she's got it pretty tough because she's living with her partner and parents under the same roof. And there's some tension.
Yeah, essentially we're all living together. The deal is that we're obviously each pulling equal parts to get the housework and cleaning and cooking and everything like that done. But essentially um my partner's not doing their share and so as a result it's caused a bit of conflict there when my parents are looking at that and seeing it day to day and asking like well why am I covering their share? Like they don't see um that they're looking after me and that yeah, essentially um they're being a bit lazy, yeah, is is causing friction.
Does he so does he pay any rent or has has he offered to? He doesn't. Um, so
he he pays nothing to live there. So he's been able to live there for two years. Um yeah, rent free, which is pretty good gig. Like not everyone really gets that. But he doesn't know. No, not really. But this was sort of happened like a couple of weeks ago where my parents did go, Wow, like this is really not right and ever since then he's been doing it, but now it feels like it's been done out of pity rather than like because he actually cares about them. Money's something that drives him and money is something that is like intrinsically like motivating him. But me, like family connections like a massive part of my values.
How does Kate’s living‑arrangement highlight the root causes of the tension?
So that's where I'm like, Well Obviously we're not on the same page with that.
Yeah. I was gonna ask too, like um, you know, so obviously you have a good relationship with your parents and you trust them when they make calls on people. Have they ever been down on a partner in the past?
No, I've never heard anything like like I've even broken up with people and they've been like, Oh, we really like such and such. Like they were really good to do like what happened there.
For sure. I mean you've been brought up by your parents and parents often give us our values. So when when they see something wrong, it feels like a serious red flag, I guess.
Yeah, well I think it just makes you question what has caused them to say that. I don't know, like if you don't see it yourself, you're not gonna really question it. But maybe sometimes when it's brought to your attention you go like, Okay, wow, like you start to notice things more and more like when someone says something.
So like since they've called it out you've started to notice that yeah, actually maybe he he isn't as grateful or um you know, does doesn't contribute as much as you'd like.
Yeah, look I'd say that and I'd also probably just say like uh yeah, as soon as someone pulls something out, you do notice it more.
Do you want your parents and your partner to be on good terms?
Oh, like I think you're crazy if you don't because like w someone's gonna be u unhappy or upset with the other. I don't think that's conducive to the best relationship either. Like, yeah, there's a bit of give and take and some people aren't you're not always in the right or not always in the wrong but
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do conflicts between parents and partners feel like a tug‑of‑war?
0:00–2:23
2
How does Kate’s living‑arrangement highlight the root causes of the tension?
2:23–4:42
3
What role do differing core values play in the parents‑partner clash?
4:42–6:38
4
How can you separate your relationship with your partner from your relationship with your parents?
6:38–8:53
5
Why is identifying and prioritising your own values essential before mediating?
8:53–11:33
6
What practical steps help you communicate and negotiate value‑based compromises?
11:33–14:17
7
When should you consider that a value mismatch is a deal‑breaker?
14:17–16:37
8
How do you decide whether to stay in the relationship or walk away for your own well‑being?
16:37–18:52