Stop Absorbing Other People’s Chaos
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How can you set boundaries with chaotic people without absorbing their emotions?
I had a question about how to communicate and set boundaries with people who are very chaotic. Due to having very high empathy, it's easy for me to get sucked into the chaos. And I also just want to understand how I can do better communicating with them when they're, you know, telling me about all these bad choices, decisions, just more information on that. Thank you.
Awesome question. Two things I love that you said. One, you feel that chaotic storm. Second of all, you get sucked in. Those words are clues to me, includes anybody listening, that it it's it's like quicksand. It's like uh a vortex that all of a sudden you see it and before you know it you're you're caught in its orbit and you're getting sucked into the the black hole. Right. Whenever Whenever you are around somebody who's chaotic, here's what I want you to do. Number one, I want you to visualize it from afar. It's going to be probably very close to you. Maybe that conversation's happening right in front of you. But I need you to visualize it as if you're seeing the storm from afar. You're not part of it.
You're observing it. You're not absorbed in it. You're seeing it. So you have to distinguish, separate yourself. From what's happening to them versus where you stand, where you are. So do not make that part of part of you. Number two, what I want you to see is that you can still be part of their life without feeling like you are now, like you said, frazzled. You're now getting all kind of sucked into it. So what I'm saying is you can still show love. You can still say all these things that you want to say, but we're I'm gonna tweak them in a way that's not gonna get you to feel And that's the key word, feel their feelings for them. It is not your responsibility to resolve their feelings. Number three, what you're hearing when somebody is venting, when somebody is complaining, I need you to simply affirm the feeling that they have and put down the feeling of having to be their solution.
You are not their solution to every problem. You are not the person who has every right answer. I know you want to be. And if you're somebody who happens to be maybe more people pleasing, maybe you're somebody who has a very caretaker mentality, it's not your responsibility to go start fixing it for them. So how do we stop that? Use words of affirmation. That means when somebody is telling you about that chaotic energy, that that complaint, that problem. I want you to say things like, that must be hard. I I I imagine that would, you know what, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel that same way. I I I I would imagine it feels that way. Of course you'd feel that way. Yeah, I can see that's really difficult. I I I hear that.
You sense language. In other words, say, I hear that. I feel that. I see that. What you're doing is affirming the feeling and still keeping that storm separate from you of saying, hey, these are yours. I am affirming and acknowledging that you are feeling them. That does not mean when somebody gives a complaint, you go, Well, what if you did this? Or you know what you should do? Or you know what, I I'll I'll go out of your way to start fixing and solving all the things for 'em. Did they ask you to do that? Or you just taking it on as a caretaker mentality to say, I'm gonna start doing all these things for you and you go out of your way and And what what are they doing? They're just continuing to add more chaos and add more people into their storm and into their vortex.
Okay. So one, we're gonna recognize the distinguish, the difference, the separation between you and their storm. Number two, we're gonna understand that we can use words of affirmation that are going to uh resolve that feeling inside of you. And then three, what I want you to do is be able to say, Hey, I'm not gonna feel your feelings for you. It's not my job to make a solution. I can still be there and have empathy and love on you, but it's not my job to feel your feelings for you or fix them.
The topic I would love to request is how to communicate with a covert narcissist.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How can you set boundaries with chaotic people without absorbing their emotions?
0:00–4:36
2
How do you communicate with a difficult or covertly narcissistic partner?
4:36–8:54
3
How can you find peace and connection with a difficult family member before they die?
8:54–11:13
4
What communication advice can help teenagers build confidence and healthy boundaries?
11:13–15:08
5
How can you improve your relationship with in-laws who criticize your family choices?
15:08–22:30
6
How do you support friends who are in conflict without taking sides?
22:30–23:13
7
What can you say when someone makes your pain about their own experience?
23:13–25:35
8
How do you move forward when an estranged parent chooses distance?
25:35–34:16