Laurel van der Toorn: Mom Judging Your Bank Account - January 23, 2026
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What dilemma does the young woman face with her mother regarding finances?
Exploring both interstellar and interpersonal space-time continuums. The Last Show with David Cooper. We're weighing in on a mother-daughter dilemma here with Laurel Vander Torn, a licensed therapist. Check her out at Laurel Therapy Collective. That serves California and Florida. Laurel, before we jump in, welcome to the show. Hi. Let me set this up for you.
How does the mother’s financial background influence her judgment?
A 20-year-old woman with a full-time job, but who still lives at home with mom. and doesn't pay rent. She has her mother ask her to disclose all of her financial details, basically to judge what's in her bank account, to judge her spending habits, making the daughter justify them. The mother then lectures the daughter based on what she sees. This sounds like a mess. Let's pick it apart. What's your first take when you hear parents kind of peering into young but adult children's finances?
Yeah. I would be very curious about this mom's money story, right? We all have a money story, whether it's growing up poor, growing up, being confused about your family's financial standing. Family has varying financial standards, right? So mom is coming into this with her own emotional relationship with money. And then superimposing that on daughter and daughter's kind of freaking out. Like, wait, what, why, what's happening here? Also later in the thread, the daughter says like, she's being quite responsible with her money. Like she's not spending frivolously. And yet there's this, she feels excess criticism from mom.
Okay, so the daughter doesn't feel she's being frivolous. What could some of those criticisms be from a mother when one doesn't feel like there's misspending, but mom does? Side note, this is giving me flashbacks to my early 20s. Like, difference of opinions, I guess?
Difference of opinions, difference in financial values. I mean, I think everyone... has a journey to deciding what their financial values are. Where do they want to put their dollar, right? For some people, they want a really nice home.
What are the daughter's feelings about her financial responsibility?
For some people, they don't care about their home, but they want to be able to go out and party. And that's not my financial value, but it's not my job to say that that's not okay. Some people want to donate a lot. Some people want to use their money for travel. And there isn't really a wrong way, but I'm guessing that the mother and daughter have some slight differences in what they value.
Well, if you can afford your splurges and you do them, you know, responsibly, I suppose someone could judge you for splurging in the first place. But it's like, hey, I can afford this. Could it be a conflict like that? Like mom doesn't think daughter needs to go to a nice restaurant once every quarter, you know, even though she can afford it. How could you spend $150 on a dinner? That kind of thing.
Right, right. And that really begs the question of what is mom's money story and what lessons was she taught about money? There's a financial thought leader, Ramit Sethi, and he is encouraging everyone to live their rich life, which means be very aware of your finances, know where your dollars are going, know what you value, like cover your expenses and make sure your bills are paid and then spend with abandon on the things you truly value that bring you joy.
Now, my parents have very, I don't know, they're boomers, whatever.
What criticisms might the mother have regarding the daughter's spending?
No shade on boomers. But my mom always said we live by the golden rule in this house. He who has the gold or she who has the gold rules. Basically saying while you live at home, while the parents cover the expenses, the housing, the bills, the cell phone bill, what they say goes. And so I think there are parents who like think that, OK, you're living at home rent free. I can treat you and judge you based on your money, even if you have your own income, even if you're at the beginning of your career and you're starting to get your own money. What do you make of that? Side note, I don't love this model at all.
Well, this mother and daughter had an agreement that she was not paying rent, but this daughter was contributing to household expenses, groceries, maybe some utilities.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What dilemma does the young woman face with her mother regarding finances?
0:02–0:27
2
How does the mother’s financial background influence her judgment?
0:27–2:06
3
What are the daughter's feelings about her financial responsibility?
2:06–3:21
4
What criticisms might the mother have regarding the daughter's spending?
3:21–7:05
5
How do cultural differences affect financial transparency between parents and children?
7:05–9:47
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from The Last Show with David Cooper
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