We Were Wrong About Secure Attachment & It's Ruining Our Relationships
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What does the guest say is the main problem with how attachment theory is currently understood?
Despite the fact that we have more resources than ever before in history to become secure, rates of secure attachment have been dropping. Dr. Marisa Franco is a professor of psychology. She wrote the bestselling book, Platonic, and now she is back with her amazing new book, Worth. And she argues that one of the reasons for this drop is that we are getting attachment theory all wrong. Welcome to the Liz Moody Podcast, where we believe that there is always something that you can do to create a life that feels amazing. And we help you figure out how to find the lever to pull at any moment to actually do that. Dr. Franco, welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for having me. What is the number one thing that attachment theory gets wrong?
There's so many things. I mean, one is that we're only one attachment style versus it being a relationship that when we're around different people, different parts of our attachment style comes up. The second is that we're doomed, that if we're anxious, we're going to be anxious for the rest of our lives and there's no way to change our attachment style. And the third, I would say, you only asked me for one, but here I am going off, is that there's a hierarchy of attachment styles and that we should all try to act secure. And if we're anxious or avoidant, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
Wait, so I do feel like I'm avoidantly attached. That's not worse than being securely
attached? Well, here's the thing, what I kind of argue is that the way attachment theory has been used is secure attachment is the best. So now let's all try to act secure, try to be secure, try to do the secure thing. And in a way, we start to try to suppress, ignore the parts of ourselves that are anxious or avoidant. And then we are reenacting on our very selves the harm that made us insecure in the first place. Someone shamed us. Someone ignored us. Someone tried to dismiss us. Someone pushed us away, right? And so I think if we want to heal our attachment styles, it's actually about being able to tell the truth. Like wherever you are is okay because you can only heal the parts of yourselves that you're willing to acknowledge.
Can you just lay the groundwork for us for somebody who maybe doesn't know what an attachment style is or what we mean
by
secure, anxious or avoidant or any of those things? Can you say in a nutshell what that is?
Sure. So basically in your early relationships with your caregivers, the ways your caregivers treated you lent itself to you creating an internal template for how people will treat you throughout your life. And so if your parent was preoccupied with other things, maybe their marriage, working hard, you became anxious. You learned that you have to earn love from other people and that if you're just yourself, you're not going to get it. So you tend to be attracted to people that kind of pull away from you. You tend to see rejection when you're not there, when it's not there. Even your amygdala lights up more brightly at signs of rejection than the other attachment styles. Or you can be avoidant. And that means your parents probably gave you food, shelter, but there was emotional neglect.
They wanted to shut you down emotionally. They want to hear about your sadness, your anger. And you learn that if you get close to people, it's dangerous and you will be harmed and you will be hurt. And so you tend to navigate relationships by keeping people at a distance, not sharing a lot of affection, not being very vulnerable. People feel like they don't really know you. There's not a lot of intimacy in your connections. You're not putting a lot of effort into them and you're not experiencing them as rewarding, again, because they feel threatening to you. So you just keep people at a distance. And you have people that are secure and their parents were good enough, tried to fulfill their emotional needs.
If you were sad, they try to wonder what you needed and care for you and have compassion. And you go into relationships, basically assuming that people will like you and that things could go well and you trust and you can be vulnerable and you can be affectionate.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What does the guest say is the main problem with how attachment theory is currently understood?
0:00–7:50
2
How does Dr. Franco define the different attachment styles and why do they change?
7:50–23:08
3
What are the two kinds of high self‑esteem and which one supports healthy relationships?
23:08–35:30
4
What is the ‘secure attachment myth vs. fact’ game and what does it reveal?
35:30–48:38
5
How do secure‑ish people actually respond to jealousy, anxiety, and avoidance?
48:38–58:50
6
Why do people with low self‑esteem feel worse when they receive praise or love?
58:50–1:15:36
7
How can we change the emotional tone of our memories to heal attachment wounds?
1:15:36–1:27:45
8
What immediate habit can listeners use to start feeling more secure right now?
1:27:45–1:32:36
Speakers
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