The Mel Robbins Podcast
How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy
Mon, 4 Nov 2024
If you feel a sense of overwhelm, dread, or uncertainty right now, you need to hear this episode.Right now, so many things are out of your control – whether it’s global events, elections, a health diagnosis, or news you’re waiting on.In today’s deeply personal episode, Mel is sharing her best tools to deal with overthinking and negative thoughts. Your worries are stealing the joy and peace you deserve. And by the time you finish listening, you’ll feel more calm, grounded, and ready to handle whatever challenge comes your way.For more resources, including links to the studies mentioned in the episode, click here for the podcast episode page. What should you listen to next? Check out this episode about a powerful tool you can use to start every morning strong, no matter what is happening around you: Start Strong: Do This Every Morning to Get Out of Bed, Beat Anxiety, and Feel Incredible All DayConnect with Mel: Watch the episodes on YouTubeGet Mel’s new book, The Let Them TheoryFollow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast InstagramMel's TikTok Sign up for Mel’s personal letter Disclaimer
Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Are you ever just going about your day and then out of nowhere comes this thought? And it's not just that. It's like this thought just gets stuck in your head and then you get this sinking feeling in your gut and you start to feel yourself brace. It's like you're paralyzed. You feel it in your body. You feel it in your mind.
And next thing you know, you're spiraling. That's dread. And I know you've been dreading a lot lately because you've been writing in and telling me about your dread over the election, While it's normal to feel yourself braced in these moments of uncertainty, it doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to live like that.
And today, you and I are going to stare down that dread that you may be feeling, that thing that you may be bracing for, and we're going to dissolve it with three big takeaways. These are simple tools you can apply in your life right now whenever you feel yourself braced. I know there's a lot happening and there is a lot on your shoulders right now.
It feels like the world is holding in one big breath, but today you and I are going to exhale. It's your friend Mel, and I am so excited that you are here with me. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you. And if you're brand new, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here. And
I know that you're the kind of person who values your time and you're interested in learning about simple ways that you can improve your life. And I love that you chose this episode because we're going to talk about a topic that feels heavy, but we're going to unpack it in a way that is going to be so empowering. And I wanted to talk about the topic of dread for a number of reasons.
And the first reason is because here in the United States, there are two things going on that people are dreading. One is the fact that it's the time of year where we turn the clocks back. And so it is literally dark at four o'clock in the afternoon, at least where I live. And people dread this. The other thing that's going on right now is we're in the middle of a very contentious election.
And I gotta just say right off the bat, we are not gonna have a political conversation today. This show is a respite from all the tension and politics and scary news that's going on globally. But all of these things, whether you're listening in the US or you're listening in a country where there's contentious politics or you're torn apart by war or there's something going on in your family,
We all have experiences where there are things going on outside of us that feel way beyond our control. And in those moments in life, whether it's winter coming, whether it's something extremely important like an election and how that's going to impact people and their rights and what's going to happen and how it impacts the economy at a national or global level.
These are really important issues. Maybe you have somebody in your family that's gotten a health diagnosis or you have, or maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with somebody. Maybe you're breaking up with somebody. Maybe you need to talk to somebody about their drinking or you're worried about them.
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Chapter 2: How can I cope with feelings of dread?
And the worse the turbulence got and the more time that went, the more I just went south in my head. This sucker's going down. I am never going to see my children again. Why did we go to Indonesia in the first place? We didn't need to take a vacation. I should have stayed. I'm never going to see my daughter's wedding or meet my grandchildren. I'm never going to go. I just literally just go south.
And now I'm in full-on brace mode. And the interesting thing is my husband's been meditating for 15 years. The man was sitting there like a Buddhist statue. with his eyes closed and his hands in a mudra, as I'm having a full-blown brace, I'm about to die moment in my seat, which goes to show you something. You can choose how you respond to the things that are happening around you.
Chris was not allowing himself to get concerned.
I, on the other hand, was spiraling and in a state of bracing and dread and just like, oh my gosh. And the thing that's interesting about this is I'm a very pragmatic and rational person, very logical person, even though I'm super emotional. I could think in my head, okay, this is just the tailwinds or the winds from the hurricane and the likelihood is X.
But I can't grasp those rational thoughts when I allow the dread and the brace to take over because I'm now convincing myself we're about to die. And the fact is that there is nothing I can do to change what's about to happen. I can't fly a plane. I can't change the weather. I can't change what the pilots are going to do.
The only thing I have control over in that moment when I brace and dread and fear take over is what I can do and how I feel and what I allow myself to think about and what I don't in that moment. And seeing Chris so calm made me go, okay, let's just take a deep breath.
And one of the first things that I did, because this is one of the things I've learned over and over and over again, not only in the work that I do, but with all of the people that we've talked with on the podcast, is that there are approaches in situations where there's a lot of uncertainty. And again, if we go back to the broader topic,
of just uncertainty around you and what you can control and what you can't control. And even when everything is major high stakes, like a very big election or a country torn apart by war or a wedding that you need to call off or a diagnosis or a funeral, even in those situations, there are things that are within your control and things that are not.
And what I have found in my life is that I am very easily hijacked. I brace like I can slam on the brakes and hit the bracing and do the alarm as better than anybody. It's like, let's go. But it doesn't help me. In fact, it hurts me.
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Chapter 3: What techniques can help manage anxiety during uncertain times?
That's a beautiful visual because I also see... As an elevator's going down, I see your shoulders dropping and the bracing dropping and the kind of exhale. Because even when we try to rationalize these things and focus on other things, our body still braces.
And so there are two tools that I think are just, we're going to keep coming back to and I'm going to keep reminding you as you're listening. There's the tools that Phil is talking about where you are reminding yourself to focus on what you can control.
And then there are the tools that are from the neck down, which is learning how to drop into your body and calm your body state from one of bracing. So I think it's really interesting that you're using all the intellectual tools to keep your mind focused on what you can control, which certainly helps. But at the same time, your body is still in a brace mode, whether you realize it or not.
And that's where the second tools come in of understanding that this is both head and body and learning how to use even just the breathing technique that I described when I was on the plane of breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, that box breathing, signaling to my body,
that we're okay, even though I was terrified the plane was going to go down. It just allows that elevator in your nervous system to slowly lower so you're not subconsciously breaking.
Leave it to you to find the perfect metaphor. You were the one in the elevator, dude. Yeah, but I hadn't even made the connection. And that's such a beautiful way to put it. And, you know, the doors open, walked outside. It was a nice sunny day. And it was like being in a new reality.
See, I think that is a beautiful piece to the story, Phil, because that is what's available. Even though I was in that plane and for probably 10 to 15 minutes, I was swirling in my head, imagining my funeral, imagining the fiery, and I get really dark. I'm like, okay, is this thing exploding? Is this gonna be a 10 minute free fall? My husband is very stoic like you.
And so as I turned to him and I'm like, I'm really scared. And then he held my hand, which helped. And this is before the box breathing. I'm like, I'm really scared we're gonna go down. He literally turns to me and he's like, well, you'll be unconscious at the last 10 seconds. I'm like, this is your way to relax? Now my ears are up on top of my head. Now I'm like really bracing for this.
But it was when the box breathing, four in, hold it, four out, hold it, holding Chris's hand and then starting to visualize truly that things are going to be okay and visualize the open doors, the sunny day, a future state that allowed me to drop into that moment. And I'll tell you, the plane kept bouncing and swinging and doing all these crazy things.
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Chapter 4: How do I redirect my energy from negative thoughts?
Like there was something around that moment that also just dropped the dread. But if you are dreading going into work in the morning or you're dreading a conversation because you know you need to end a relationship or you know you need to give somebody some difficult feedback because you want the relationship to get better.
Or if you're dreading a health diagnosis, that's like a wake-up call because dread literally can be these moments where you assess what's actually important to you And you can use that to catapult yourself in a different direction.
And if I bring it back to the topic that we were just talking about, and the reason why I want to talk about this today regarding the US, if you're dreading what's happening in this country, or you're listening somewhere around the world, and you're dreading what's happening in your community, or in your family, or in your part of the world, that's a sign that you care deeply about this.
And while you might not be able to control what's happening in the larger sense of things today, There is no doubt there are things you can do. There is no doubt that it just takes one person to change the world, to change your community, to change your school system. And that overwhelm and dread can galvanize what you do next and what you commit yourself to.
And that's a really important thing that I've noticed in my life in these moments. Like they really show you what you care about, whether it's you dread a presentation because you care about doing well at work, or you dread this conversation where you have to have a very hard conversation with somebody you love, but the reason why is because you actually value love.
and you value honesty, and you value integrity, or you value yourself enough to know that the love that you're getting in this relationship is not the love that you deserve, that you deserve something else, and you're willing to stand up for that.
And that dread is an important thing that basically goes, okay, I'm a person that cares about myself, and I care about the person I'm about to break up with because... I still like them and I don't want to disappoint people, but I got to care more about me.
And so I do think these moments of bracing, actually, if you're willing to slow down and not let it hijack you, you can unpack the moment and truly connect more deeply with the things that you care about. You care about your mom and dad. That's a big sign to spend more time with them. I care about my family. The plane situation, I wasn't thinking about work.
I was thinking about my parents and my husband and my children and my friends. I wasn't thinking about the normal stuff that make me like nuts, Phil. I was thinking about the things that actually matter. And to me, that's the gift that's available to unwrap, that you are learning something about yourself.
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Chapter 5: What is box breathing and how does it work?
Might mean that you got to make some changes to your morning routine. Might mean that you have to ask your family to step up a little bit so everything's not on your shoulders. And I guarantee you, if you go through your day
and you list all of the things that you dread about your day, you'll notice that there's lots of places where you have braced in small ways and where you have negative opinions and where you think this is just what it is and there's nothing you can do about it, which is why we brace, which is what you've learned during this conversation. And it's how you lose your power.
And the truth is, you're not stuck anywhere. You're not stuck in a relationship. You're not stuck in a dynamic with your family. You are not stuck in a job. You are not stuck with the current state of your health. You are not stuck with your mindset. You are not stuck with your current morning routine. You as a human being are hardwired to change.
But if you continue to dread all these small things... you are keeping yourself locked in something that doesn't work. And so I think that moment where you wake up and dread the day you're waking up into, I think that moment where you wake up and dread the day you're waking up into is one of the greatest gifts that your life could give you.
because it's a gigantic wake-up call that there are things that are not working. And it is time that you wake the hell up, metaphorically, physically, mentally, spiritually, and you start doing the work to change it. I want you to look at your life and look at the things that you dread and understand these are just things that are uncertain, but here's what I'm certain about.
You have the power and you are capable through your thoughts, actions, and your attitude of changing anything for the better. Period. Full stop. You cannot convince me otherwise. So stop bracing. Stop dreading. Relax into this. Look at what you need to change. Look at what's within your control and focus on that.
And I think you're going to be shocked at how much more powerful and calm you feel, no matter what's going on. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your power to create a better life.
And I just love that this topic was so deep and so useful on global levels, on personal levels, in small moments, in big moments, in annoying moments, in scary moments. And I'm absolutely thrilled that I got to unpack this with you and with Phil today. So I will see you in the very next episode. And I cannot wait to hear what you got out of this one. All righty. I'll see you in a few days.
Are you a stoic kind of guy?
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