The Mel Robbins Podcast
This One Research Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life
29 Sep 2025
Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. You know, lately, I'm just going to admit it, I've been feeling more discouraged than normal. Maybe you have too. It's just that there's just so much polarization, so much negativity, whether you're looking at the headlines or online, it's so easy to get to a point where you're just exhausted.
Haven't you wondered, how did we get here? Why is everybody so far apart? But despite all this noise, here is what I choose to believe. I believe that we want the same things for ourselves and our families. I believe that we define success in largely the same way. I mean, you wanna be a good person. You wanna feel like your authentic self.
You wanna do something with your life that makes a difference in the world. You want good relationships with your family and your friends. And yet somehow this truth that unites us, it has been hijacked by headlines, politics, the lies on social media, the busyness and pressure of trying to fit in
Chapter 2: How does polarization affect our perception of society?
that it's easy to forget who you are and what truly matters to you. In fact, I think that's why you listen to this podcast, because every time you listen, you are reminded that you are capable of so much more, that you deserve more. You're reminded of what matters to you authentically.
And that's why I cannot wait for our conversation today, because here in our Boston studios, we have an expert researcher with a PhD from Harvard who's been crunching the single biggest data set on what people truly want in life, how they define success, what matters to them.
These are the kinds of things that people admit when they're telling the truth in private, not the garbage they post about online. Dr. Todd Rose is here to tell you and me there is a gigantic lie that you have been told about other people and the world at large, and he is here to teach you the truth. The truth is you have the power to change your life.
You can make a difference in the world because your brain rewards authenticity. Authenticity, you being you. That is the secret to a better life and a better world. You and I are going to learn from the scientist and researcher who has crunched all the data on how to live a more authentic life. And today, that's what we're talking about.
How you find the courage to be yourself, the confidence to trust your own voice, and our collective power to make the world a better place by being a better version of ourselves. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I'm so fired up that you're here.
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Chapter 3: What is private opinion research and why is it important?
I am so excited for today's conversation. It is always an honor to be together. It is always an honor to spend time with you, but today it is particularly important. And if you're a new listener or you're here because someone shared this conversation with you, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
Today's conversation about authenticity and the lies that you've been told is going to be life-changing. Dr. Todd Rose is here to teach you how to reconnect with your true self so you can live the life you deserve. He is the co-founder and CEO of the Think Tank Populous, which has a mission to use data to ensure that all people have the opportunity to pursue fulfilling lives.
He was also a professor at Harvard University's Graduate School of Education. Harvard is also where he earned his PhD in developmental science. While he was at Harvard, Dr. Rose led both the Mind, Brain, and Education program and also founded their Laboratory for the Science of Individuality.
He's written a number of bestselling books, including his most recent, Collective Illusions, which reveals the biggest lies that you and I have been told about ourselves and what other people believe. So please help me welcome Dr. Todd Rose to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
Thanks for having me.
I am so excited to talk to you.
Me too.
I'm really excited for so many reasons, and here's where I want to start. How is my life going to be different?
If you understand and internalize the ideas we're going to talk about today, you're going to be more confident. You're going to live more authentically, which is going to lead to greater life satisfaction, happiness. But more importantly, your relationships are going to be better and you're going to have a deeper sense of belonging to the groups that matter most to you.
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Chapter 4: What are collective illusions and how do they impact us?
What is private opinion research? So polling, it's all public. Oh. And it has all the social pressure. Okay. You know there's a right answer. And so it turns out everybody's misrepresenting their views right now.
you feel like there's this big cost if you just don't go with the flow or you just don't agree or you just don't do what you think everybody else wants you to do, whether it's your family or at work or with your friend group. And so you write a lot in your bestselling book, Collective Illusions, about the fact that we are fundamentally wired to conform. What does that mean, Todd?
Yeah, this is really important to bring up because when we talk about conformity, it kind of has like a negative connotation, right?
Yes.
Like nobody wants to admit they conform to something.
Yes.
But here's what's important. We are hardwired to belong to groups.
Okay.
Evolutionarily, this is how we survive. And that belonging can lead to conformity when we feel like we have to distort who we are to get that belonging. And if you don't mind, let me give you an example.
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Chapter 5: How can authenticity improve personal happiness?
it triggers what we call a reward signal in your brain. It's the same areas that hard drugs activate. And it's meant to tell you, whatever you're doing, keep doing it. This is amazing, right? On the trials where you were like five and they said one, it triggers what's called an error signal in your brain. It's this cascading electrical signal that disrupts memory, attention, everything.
It's meant to get you to stop because something you're doing is wrong and you might be in danger. So this is what happens to your brain. But that's not even the most interesting thing. The clever part was then at the end of the study, you're in the task, they come and say, oh, I'm so sorry. For some reason, the equipment didn't record your responses.
Would you mind just quickly doing the task again? We're not going to record your brain. Just quickly do the task again. They randomized the couple hundred pictures. They iterate them again. Lo and behold, most people moved their scores to align with the group and they didn't even know they did it.
Wow.
You interview them after, they're like, no, that didn't affect me at all. So when I say it's hardwired, that's what I mean. Even as something as subjective as attractiveness, we just want to be with our groups. And there's a lot that we'll do to maintain that group alignment.
I think it's fascinating that there is an error signal in your brain. That when you recognize that you're not conforming with group think or group look or group opinion... That automatically signals that you're on the outside and you need to stop. And I want to give you another example to see if I'm tracking with this. Because this just happened to me the other night.
Like a lot of people, I am starting to really care more about my health. And one of the things I am cutting way back on is alcohol. And so I have this rule with myself that I'm just not going to drink during the week. Now, fast forward to last night. I'm out at a restaurant after work, and one of my colleagues turns to me and says, I think I'm out of a glass of wine. You want a glass of wine?
Okay. Can you explain using the research what just happened? Because here's the thing. I know I was going to go in there and order a Diet Coke or a club soda or whatever. The second somebody asked me, hey, you want to have something? It's like I make a decision. Reflexive.
Didn't even contemplate it. You just went with it.
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Chapter 6: What practical steps can we take to live more authentically?
At the same time, you don't want to go against the grain.
Yes.
Right?
But do you know what's interesting? If I had said to my colleague, you know, I'm just not drinking during the week right now. I don't think I'm having it. You know what they probably would have said?
I don't think I would have anything either. And that's the thing is because you don't have the simple tips and tricks that you can use to not put yourself in that. Well, I don't want to come off as something I don't think I am. I think I'm fun. I think I'm social. I like to hang out with people. So something like, you know what? I decided to take a month off.
Or, you know what, I decided I'm not drinking on weekdays because then it doesn't say I'm not someone who drinks, right? It's just I've made that choice. And you'd be shocked how many people, like the person said, hey, I'm having a drink. We're at a table with a bunch of people and we're like, okay, fine. And then everyone sees two people do it.
And you're like, okay, there's a lot of pressure building as they come to you. And what will you have? sir, like I'll have what they're having, you know, is just the ability to say something like, you know what, I've decided to take a month off or whatever. And no one's going to say something's wrong with you. No.
But what you'll do is you'll give them permission to do the same thing and try it out. It's amazing. And once you realize how many people end up copying you, you'll see just how profoundly we're affected by what we believe other people believe and expect of us.
hmm, what is happening in that moment where you say, okay, I'll have what they're having? Like what's happening in your brain?
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Chapter 7: How do conformity and social media influence our beliefs?
So remember we talked about that reward response? Yep. So your brain has what's called an anticipated reward response. We know that when we're aligned with our group, it feels really good and we want that. It's not quite like drug addiction, but it's in that ballpark where- Once you're addicted to that drug, you're chasing the drug. Everything is about, I want that feeling again.
Of belonging. And we're talking about a deeper sense that's wired in you.
It's so deep and it's really important. And again, I want to say, there's nothing wrong with wanting to belong. You should want to belong. And you just have to understand when that need to belong tips into being controlled or manipulated or bottom line, just leads you to do things that go against your own judgment. That's when you start making really bad decisions.
I'm really excited because I feel like this is one of those hidden levers that we don't realize is just operating in the background. And when you understand what you're dealing with, you have so much more power of it.
That's right. By the way, Mel, after I was booked to run the show, I actually dug in and read your book, Let Them. And I got to tell you, there are so many parallels. When we get into all the tools later on, we'll be able to dig into a little bit more because there's just so much overlap. I'm excited to dig in.
That's a huge compliment. We'll get into the tools later, but there's so much more about your research that I want to make sure that we fully get to and understand. One of the terms I'd love to have you talk a little bit about is this term collective illusions. It's the title of your bestselling book. Can you define in very plain terms, what is a collective illusion?
Collective illusion is groupthink, but you're wrong about the group. So let me unpack that just a little bit. It formally is a phenomenon where most people in a group go along with something they don't privately agree with simply because they incorrectly think that most other people agree with it.
Okay, give me an example.
So one of the most sticky collective illusions of all that's been around for multiple decades that we've tracked is this binge drinking in college.
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Chapter 8: What historical example illustrates the power of authenticity?
And when I was there, she'd make a bologna sandwich in her little tiny kitchenette. would play Yahtzee together and we'd just talk and I could share anything with her. Stuff I couldn't tell my parents, whatever. It was like literally amazing. It was this oasis for me in a really tough environment. We've been sleeping over, sleeping over, sleeping over. Then one time she says, hey, good news.
I'm taking you to Sizzler, your grandpa and I, this steakhouse, this all-you-can-eat steakhouse. And I was like... I don't, I was like, I don't really want to go to, it's noisy there. Like, I just want to be here. But I knew it meant a lot to them.
Yeah.
So I went with it. And that's what we started doing. Instead of just playing Yahtzee, we'd go to Sizzler. And that went on for six years. Okay. So in 2015, we found out she was dying. And I went back to Utah where I was born to say goodbye to her. And I was preparing, I was like, my last conversation I'm ever going to have with this woman that meant the world to me.
And I'm holding her hand and we're talking about a lot of things. And I thought, you know, I want to just let her know how transformative those sleepovers were to me. And I said, you know, grandma, I just want to tell you all those times sleeping over. She's like, barely can get a word out. And she says, she touches my arm. She says, I know, I know what mattered most to you.
It was going to Sizzler.
Yeah.
And I was like, wait, what? And I didn't have the heart to be like, I didn't like that at all, right? But she said, just to be honest, your grandpa and I didn't really like going to Sizzler, but we knew it meant a lot to you.
So I'm sitting there thinking, wait, we all ended up going to Sizzler once a month for six years because we all thought we all wanted to go to Sizzler when nobody actually did. Again, I'd have the heart to tell her on her deathbed that she could have me for a bologna sandwich. But that kind of like, nobody was manipulating anyone. We care about each other.
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