Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Welcome to the Tamsen Show. I'm glad you're here. We are doing things a little bit differently today. So I want to see how it goes. And I would like your input on this. But you guys have sent so many questions over either email or direct message or you've called into our hotline and sent me some incredible
I don't know, questions, thoughts, statements about different topics that you want to cover. So many of you have met Johanna. A lot of you haven't.
Chapter 2: What are the most common red flags in relationships?
She is the producer of The Tamsen Show. And she has been going through all the questions. And you're going to hear her voice asking the questions that you all have sent in because I'd like to answer them unfiltered. I don't want to sit and think about it too long. I want to off the cuff.
give you my thoughts to what you're asking, and then we can go back and analyze stuff if we want to go any deeper. But I think it's real important that we have these conversations, and sometimes I don't get the time to do that.
And we're doing a lot of interviews, but I wanted to take a beat and do things a little bit differently, see how you guys like it, and see if you have any additional questions or have any suggestions on how to do things differently.
You know we talk a lot about midlife, menopause, perimenopause, health, wellness, but these questions in particular that we've pulled are dating, relationship, divorce, starting over again when you're out there dating. And I want to tell you a little bit if you don't know all of my background. So years ago in New York City, like a lot of years ago, I had a matchmaking business in the city.
and gave a lot of dating advice. And my first three books that I wrote were about that. They were about dating, it was about starting over, it was about what to do after a divorce. And so I talk about relationships often, have researched it, studied it, had conversations with all sorts of experts about it. And then dealt with it myself. I went through my own divorce.
I got remarried at the age of 50. I was on the dating scene longer than I ever want to admit. And so I do think that we have to have these conversations, girlfriend to girlfriend, about what you're going through and maybe what's confusing to you right now.
Maybe you haven't been out there dating for 20 years and you've gone through a breakup or divorce and you want to know how to get back out there. So we're going to cover all of it. And one little thing, I have not heard any of these questions yet or seen them. So Johanna is going to surprise me. So I am a tad nervous about what's going to come at me.
So if I don't think I can answer it, I'm just going to say skip. But hopefully we'll be able to get through all of them. Hi, Tandon.
I love your podcast. Please keep me anonymous. I'm 38 and dating a man who's very close with his sister. Totally fine in theory, but the boundaries are odd. She inserts herself into things, comments on our relationship, and gets defensive about him in a way that feels territorial. Is this something couples can actually work through or does it usually stay the same?
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Chapter 3: How can you rebuild confidence when dating after divorce?
I don't care whether or not you know it's the right thing. I was in a relationship with my ex-husband and I knew before we even got married I shouldn't be in that relationship. I got married, walked down the aisle, asked people if I was doing the right thing and ended up four years later divorced. So it's not easy.
And I know it's not easy because I wasn't brave enough to do it before I got married the first time. Here's what I will say. Living under threats or veiled threats is not a way to live. It doesn't allow you to be who you are. It's not fair to you. It's cruel in so many ways.
And just you asking if there was more that you could do lets me know that you were in the relationship with somebody who was not able to grow and has his own issues to work out. We've talked a lot about narcissism on this show, and it was something that I was not very aware of.
So after I got out of my relationship, I got into a relationship with somebody who really was a narcissist for a long time, and I lived under that threat constantly. Every time there was a fight, he'd back off and kind of threaten to leave or do a veiled threat to leave or actually leave. And it made my stomach and my whole nervous system was just a mess all the time.
And it left me in a state of fear of not walking this perfect, straight, narrow line because I was scared if I didn't, I would upset him and it would be my fault if he left. So I just want to say again how brave you are for doing that, how strong you are for doing that, and I hope that you can find a way not to look back because I think that you need to look forward.
And I think you're going to feel so different whether it's six months or a year from now. I think your whole nervous system is going to settle. I'm a big proponent of therapy. I think it's really important to get to know who you are again without feeling that threat hanging over your head constantly.
And I hope you get back in touch because I would love to hear where you are, you know, in the next few months and how you're doing.
Do you think it's a common thing for women to feel like they might regret it or have some sort of guilt around divorce? Is that really common?
Oh, my gosh. I think it is so common for women to feel guilt around divorce even if it is in no way their fault or even if it's a 50-50. And I think it's because of this. I think – and I'll speak for myself. Even though the relationship was in a place where it was not tenable to go forward, I kept thinking like could I have done more? Was there something else I could have done to fix it?
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Chapter 4: What should you do with lingering guilt after a marriage ends?
But people knew who he was.
Yes, I knew his background immediately because people wouldn't stop bothering me about him. Right. But yeah, but going from scratch, like I've talked to a lot of women about that. Going from like not knowing somebody to like jumping right into that is not something I've ever done before. Right. But I can understand. Wait, what was the question?
It was how does she need to go on dating apps?
Oh, right. I don't think you have to do that.
Basically, do you hang out at the elevator bank that you met Ira in?
If you go to the Fountain Blue in Miami where I met Ira. No, look, I don't think you have to go on dating apps. But I think if I were dating now, I probably would. I do think that. But I do think that I would also not try to make it a full-time job, which I know a lot of people feel like it is.
And I know that there have been some incredible relationships that have come out of that just because of the numbers at this point, right? And I also think the ability to research people a little bit better versus what we had 10 or 20 years ago. Like we didn't have the ability to like – you could literally see somebody and then go find out 100 things about them. So that's good news.
I don't think you have to do the dating apps, but I do think you can meet people in person, but I think you have to be really patient with that and really understand that you might meet 20 people and then it might be one of those people who knows somebody else who introduced you to somebody else, right?
Or it might be you have this time of saying yes to everything, so you're showing up wherever it is. And so I think you have to be patient on both accounts, but I wouldn't rule out dating apps, not at all. I would research the type of dating apps that you want to be on. I know, isn't Bethany Frankel starting a dating app or something? I don't know. Is she starting a dating app?
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