Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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If you have followed me for a while, you know I talk a lot about dating. I've shared advice, hard lessons, a lot of mistakes I've made because I have made a lot of them. And what you might not know is that years ago, many years ago, I actually ran a matchmaking business in New York City. It was early 2000s and I sat across from women every single day.
who wanted love and who were ready for love, or thought they were, but who kept getting caught in the same traps over and over again. And the truth is, I wasn't just watching it happen, I was living it too. I dated through my 20s and my 30s. I thought I'd found forever. I got divorced, and then I found myself again starting over in my 40s.
And along the way, I learned something that stings to admit. Even when you do know better, it's still so easy to repeat the same patterns. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie, The Materialist, about the dating scene in New York. The dinners, the setups, the heartbreaks. That was my life and a lot of women's lives.
And even now, years later, I see women making some of the same mistakes over and over again. And it's not because we're being foolish, not because we don't know what we deserve, but because love is really vulnerable. And when we do want it badly enough, we can talk ourselves into almost anything. And I call it turning red flags into pink flags. that's not so bad. I can accept that.
So I want to talk to you today about the four biggest dating mistakes I still see women making and a lot of the ones I made myself. And this is not to shame anybody, but this is just to let you know why they happen and more importantly, what you can do to break them. Here's my promise.
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Chapter 2: What are the four dating mistakes that keep smart women stuck?
Membership is $14.95 a month after 30 days, and you can cancel anytime. Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen. All right, let's get back to the conversation and get into mistake number three. Let's go to mistake number three, believing the fantasy of potential. This one's going to sting. I have to warn you that because I know so many of us, myself included, have fallen for it.
It's a mistake of dating someone's potential instead of like what's really going on there. And it's what I did in my first marriage. It's what I did in one of the longest relationships I had. You guys have probably heard me on social media refer to as Mr. Big. Here's what it looks like. He's inconsistent. He doesn't call when he says he's going to. He doesn't show up when he says he's going to.
And you tell yourself, oh, once he's less busy with work, he's going to show up. He's emotionally unstable. But you say he just needs the right woman to try to bring him out of it. And then my personal favorite, he's not ready now, but maybe in a year or two he will be. I did this.
I stayed in relationships far too long because I was in love with who the man could be or could become and not who he actually was showing me all the time. And I told myself all sorts of stories about growth and potential when in reality, nothing was changing at all. It was like, when I go back and look at it now, I'm like, what was I doing? But I know what I was doing.
I was waiting for a future that was never going to arrive. And it took me years to figure that out. And I watched it happen with countless women when I was doing the matchmaking business. Smart, beautiful, successful, accomplished women convincing themselves to hold on just a little bit longer because of what might be possible instead of paying attention to the truth right in front of them.
Here's the thing. Potential is really, really seductive in all aspects of our lives. It can keep you hooked because it gives you that hope. We all want hope, right? Here's the hard truth. You are not dating the version of him that might exist one day, as long as you're perfect. You're dating the man sitting across from you right now. And who he is today, I promise you, is who he really is.
So here's how I want you to break the pattern. Number one, ask the forever question. It's the simplest way to get honest with yourself if nothing else works. Here's the question. If nothing about him ever changes, could I build my life with him just like he is today? Nothing, nothing changes. Not who he might be after therapy, not who he could be if he grew up, but who he is right now.
If the answer is no, then you are not with that right person. You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him. That question is like cold water on your face. It cuts through the fog of fantasy really, really fast, and it makes it super clear what you should be doing. And it's not always easy to answer. Number two, trust actions over promises because those can be hollow.
Potential always lives in the words like, I'm going to do better. I just need time. I've never done this before. Things are going to be different. Reality is in actions. You need to look at it. Does he follow through? Does he show up? Does he make room for you in his life? Is he consistent? What do your friends feel? What do his friends act like?
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