Why You Feel Lonely Even With Good Relationships | Jason VanRuler
episodePreviously titled “Why You Feel Lonely Even With Good Relationships | Jason Van Ruler” — renamed by the publisher on Aug 31, 2026
The Tried & Truth Podcast: Rethinking Success for This Season
28 min
1 speaker
8 chapters
transcribed 1 month ago
Transcript
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Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Why do generous people often feel the deepest loneliness?
A lot of people I work with who are really lonely are some of the most generous people. They give and they give and they give. And I go, That's awesome. Who do you receive from? And they're like, Oh, not really anybody. And I'm like,
well, that could be why you're lonely. Hi everyone, I'm Annika, and this is the Tried and Trink Podcast. We've got Jason Van Ruler joining us today on the podcast. He is a psychotherapist, a coach, and a nationally recognized speaker specializing in communication, attachment, and relationships, whose work has centered around deepening his clients' relationships to live more meaningful, connected lives. So how can we not want to have this conversation with Jason? So glad that you're here. Thank you for joining us on the Tried and Truth podcast.
Oh, thank you so much for having me. I've been looking forward to it.
Jason, we are in a loneliness epidemic. We are in a time where everybody feels so connected yet so disconnected. And so much of the work that you have done has been around telling us that communication is this missing link to connection and how we cannot have healthy relationships without connection. And so tell us more about your work and about how communication can be the missing link to helping us get out of this place of loneliness.
Yeah. I well, that's I mean, great question. I think it's just this pervasive problem to be lonely. And I think, you know, we used to just imagine, well, you know, some person I don't know is lonely, but now it's like the person next to us or it's even ourselves. And I think a lot of that has to do with technology. And so this isn't the part where I say, you know, technology is bad. I just say it's allowed us to get kind of complacent and maybe get to be out of practice. on some of the things that actually helped us have more meaningful lives. When I would go in and I'd work with a client or a couple or a team, over and over again I'd hear this problem was communication. And and so I'd say, Well, what what does that mean exactly?
And they'd say, Well, you know, communication. And I like, well, if if you're like defining the word with the word, I don't think you know and I don't know. And and so it kind of just clued me into like, I don't think any of us really know how to do this well. And and I don't know about you, but I mean, I didn't have a class in high school that like taught me how to do that or anything. And so I think for most of us, it's like we desperately want connection. Uh but to get it we have to go against the grain a little bit and we have to practice something we maybe don't know much about. And so that's where I wanted to write the book is to help with that.
That's interesting. You're saying I didn't have a class to teach me about that. You think about all the other classes we had. We had speech, we learned how to get up in front of a group, but we never learned how to communicate with the people in the group.
It's true.
Well, I think it's helpful that we open up with that because I d think that so many couples, clearly most of the couples that are coming into your office or into your space are saying We have a communication problem. We just can't communicate. And so I think first and foremost, that helps anyone who's listening feel like you're not alone if you feel connected and yet so disconnected to the people that are closest to you. Why do we feel like the people closest to us are the people the hardest to to communicate with? Whether that's our boss or our spouse.
Yeah. Because I think our expectations for them are higher than others. You know, when you really let somebody in, you you want them to understand you, you know, because we don't do that with everyone. So I think if if we decide like, hey, you're my person, then there's some expectations that get attached to that. And it's like, well, you should get me. You know, if you're my person, you should get me. And when we do that. We're just paying more attention to if it's landing or not. But I think the challenge then is it's easier to feel misunderstood.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do generous people often feel the deepest loneliness?
0:00–3:48
2
How does technology contribute to the modern loneliness epidemic?
3:48–6:42
3
What is the PATHS framework and how can I identify my primary communication type?
6:42–10:49
4
Why are the people we love most the hardest to communicate with?
10:49–14:36
5
How can understanding someone else’s communication type change our relationships?
14:36–18:41
6
What practical steps can we take to prevent defensiveness and protect our identity in conversations?
18:41–22:09
7
How can I create small, intentional conversations that lead to stronger connections?
22:09–25:49
8
What’s the first action I should take to start feeling less lonely and more connected?
25:49–28:42