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Chapter 1: Why did my boyfriend block me on social media?
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Good. My name is Jessica. I'm 36, and my boyfriend refuses to share me on his social media. Is this a red flag?
Maybe, probably. I'm assuming you've addressed this with him?
Yes, it's been an ongoing topic for, I want to say, a few months.
How long have you been dating?
We've been together solid for just over two years, and we were off and on about two years before that.
Okay, so you had like a two-year kind of situationship.
Yes.
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Chapter 2: What should I do if my partner avoids important conversations?
So basically this started, I want to say the topic came up a few months ago and I've never been kind of, this has never been something super important to me. So it's out of character and that's kind of why I'm seeking a male perspective because like, This is unlike me, and I just, yeah, I don't understand it.
When you say unlike you, are you seeing it as like, I'm not that girl who's so insecure that needs to be validated online and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Is that how you're meaning it when you say you're not that girl?
Yeah, it's just never been an issue for me. Like I've just never had this insecurity like come up before. It's odd. Like I just, I don't know how to deal with it.
Yeah, but when you say insecurity, you make it seem like it's a you problem.
Yeah.
Like it's your fault.
Yeah.
You know, like this is, you are inconveniencing the relationship and your boyfriend because of your insecurities is how you're framing it.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
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Chapter 3: How do I navigate shared responsibilities after a breakup?
have a like a friend or a finsta see how active it is you haven't looked my friend she has looked and she's just she hasn't like you know tried to get in there too much but she's seen that there's been like no posts or whatever um i don't want to like that's the thing with this is like i i have felt like this is consuming way too much of my energy um and like i don't want to worry about these things
But you are.
I don't want to focus on them. Yeah, but you are.
I know, and I am.
But it doesn't need to be this complicated. And you know that. And you feel crazy for caring about something that you want to be like, this is so fucking stupid.
Mm-hmm.
Because in a lot of ways, it is. But for whatever reason, he is putting up an unnecessary fight about things. And the question is why? The power dynamic seems to be in his court. And the relationship kind of moves at his comfort level.
Which is it's not moving at all. It's an issue.
Oh, okay. And how would you say that? Again, outside of social media, how do you feel about everything else?
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Chapter 4: What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
more or less a cherry on top and i've been hyper focused on it um we've had other issues come up i do have two kids um we do all live together and my kids like him that's a huge pro and if they didn't i wouldn't this decision and this wouldn't be so difficult he is a pretty big drinker My big request from him was not to not quit drinking altogether.
When I say big drinker, I mean he will drink every day, but that's not my lifestyle and not the lifestyle I'm learning I want for my children.
Does it change his behavior to a degree that's noticeable?
For me, yes. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, which has been a bit of a struggle for me. My big request... From him was just please like, just refrain from drinking before I get home from work each day. That's all I ask. And it'll last few days and then it's out the window and I can tell whether he's had one, two or three drinks, even just on the phone.
So that's been a huge frustration because I'm asking for the bare minimum.
Yeah.
And it's like his non-negotiable. And the last time I brought it up, he basically was like, well, I'm an adult. I can do what I want.
That is true. Yeah. Well, I think that's a really, that sentence and that response is, it feels like, and again, I know very little having talked to you. So you just tell me if I'm wrong. But that seems to be the theme of your guys' relationship. He's an adult. He will do what he wants. And your relationship revolves around that mindset he has for himself.
So topic of our struggles lately has been a little bit of, you know, our last conversation. I was outlining the reasons why I'm kind of unhappy in this relationship. And at what point does my happiness matter and what I want matter?
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Chapter 5: How can I cope with the emotional aftermath of a breakup?
Five and ten.
Okay. Is their dad in the picture at all?
Yes. Yeah. We're 50-50.
Okay. How aware of your boyfriend's drinking is their dad?
Not.
Okay. But I'm assuming, like, aside all that, like, it's not... It's just kind of making you uncomfortable because you can just like I'm guessing he like you said, if he has a couple of drinks, you can tell he's like his motor skills are slowing down.
Yeah, it's just it's an ick too. And I try to tell him that and it doesn't change anything. And for me growing up, it was, you know, sometimes I'd come home from school not knowing what I would get. And it's a trigger. It's a huge trigger. And I know that's kind of a problem I have.
um that i need to deal with but like help me out here i don't know i don't some i don't know if you need to deal with it most ics are like pet peeves that we have to maybe work through you know like yeah when i trip and fall uh and my wife gets the ick you know like she might have to like accept that about me that i can be a little clumsy I don't know if you have to accept this.
You're a mother of two. You're 36. Are you divorced or are you separated? Yes, divorced. Okay. So at this stage in your life, what are your relationship goals for yourself? I ask that a lot, but I particularly am curious about it with you.
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Chapter 6: What steps can I take to prioritize my happiness post-breakup?
And you don't seem to be taking advantage of that. And the only reason I say that is, you're 36, right? A lot of women... Or men, but specifically women, because women have to deal with a biological clock if they want to have kids. If they are desiring to have kids or have more kids, there's like an inherent pressure. It's easy for me to say, oh, take it slow and don't stress.
You know, take a break from dating when you're stressed out or, you know what, he's not treating you right. Just leave. Even that can feel like, well, it's easy for you to say, you know, Nick, you know, you're on the other side of things. But like this inherent desire to settle down and get married and have kids is is a real thing. And there is a window for some people, especially women. Right.
But yeah.
You don't have that. And you've done the thing. And it sounds like you're open to the possibility if you meet the right guy and yada, yada, yada. But it sounds like you have two beautiful children. And being a mom, you get to be the thing that many people desire to be and get profound purpose and meaning from. And you have that.
And so you are in this very unique position if you want to see it that way. To be really selfish, not like selfish because you're only going to care about yourself in the way that your boyfriend kind of seems selfish, but you really can be selfish with your happiness and you can be patient.
And I'm sure there will be lonely times in your life when, you know, when we don't have a partner and we want a partner that's, you know, like we long for connection and you might experience periods of that. But in the interim... You still have your children to connect with. And it's not the same as a romantic partner or your friends or whatever. But you know what I'm saying?
So I'm talking to you and being like, why is she putting up with this thing? What's the thing that's keeping you from seeing it the way I see it? Because so many people, whether it's artificial or not, will come up with these reasons to stay in bad situations because they don't want to start over. You've gone through a divorce. You've survived that. That's a challenge.
And at 36, I don't know about you, but at this stage of my life, and you're a little younger than me, but your ability to survive these things and work through them, I'm assuming gives you a sense of resiliency and confidence of like, I don't know, when I was younger and I got broken up with or something happened, and if it happened for the first time, there was always like this fear of,
Of how do I get over this? You know, how do I get through this? Because I never did. But once you start doing that, there's a little bit of like, you know, I don't know, some shit's going to happen. I don't know. You realize that life throws you curveballs. And you are less afraid of those curveballs. And, you know, you know that you'll get through things. You seem like a wonderful person.
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Chapter 7: How do I determine who gets the pets after a breakup?
And they're conflicting. And, um, am I going to be happy long-term? And I'm just kind of, this has been all within the last, I want to say like two months that I've been really drilling down and I think it's resulted in me picking them apart a little bit, but not in a way that I'm being too nitpicky, but I am realizing these things that bother me and I'm voicing them.
And so instead of that being a positive in our relationship of, you know, good communication, it's become conflict.
It's interesting because when I asked you what changed a couple years ago when you started dating and you're like, I don't know, he just changed. I imagine you almost feel like that's a good thing. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to give him an ultimatum. I almost see it as the opposite because, again, it's more like the theme of the relationship. It was still on his terms. Right.
And so much of a relationship is the willingness to compromise and communicate and make sacrifices, not to the extent that these sacrifices you have to make in a relationship regularly hurt you or put you in a bad situation, but the ability to make sacrifices because you know that a minor inconvenience may really make your partner feel happy or supported.
It feels like you have to fight an inordinate amount of time to simply get him to support you, to make you feel supported. It sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to get him to do the bare minimum. And then now it's like you're at this point where you're kind of gaslighting yourself. And to like, am I just fucking crazy? Am I, I'm like nitpicking. I'm like, I'm caring about social media.
And it's just like, he's not a bad guy, you know? And it's just like, it's not about him being a bad guy or not. You know, you are in a position to find a great guy. How's your co-parenting relationship with dad?
For another episode.
Okay.
Yeah, no, it's gotten better. It's taken a lot of work.
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Chapter 8: What should I consider before moving in with my partner?
I'm telling you this would make me very happy. And it's like over my dead body, basically.
I imagine... So much of your mental energy and what dictates your happiness right now is this relationship with him. And because he says no so much, it's become this thing, maybe even subconsciously, where so much of your happiness is wrapped up in your ability to get him to compromise. And there's a part of you that feels like you've put in so much work in this relationship.
You know, those two years were, you know, he wasn't your boyfriend and then became your boyfriend. But I think you are selling yourself and your life short by centering him in terms of that feeling you have. Again, you're discounting everything you've been through as a mom, as an ex-wife, as a co-parent. You're not starting over.
And that's what's so cool about your position that I really want, I hope, I hope, like again, I don't want to tell you how to have the perspective you're supposed to have, but There is nothing stopping you from the rest of your life.
Yeah, I fear having regrets. And I fear, you know, that typical fear of, you know, maybe he will do all of these things for somebody else.
Well, that's ego. Yeah.
Yeah.
And the truth is, he's not. He's not. Like, I mean, again, like, ironically, you know, maybe he would share her on social media, right? Like, there's definitely a possibility. You end this relationship, six months go by, one of your girlfriends is like, that fucking man, he's got a girlfriend, and she fucking posts him, and it could devastate you.
But that would be pure ego, and that would be you really, that would be on you.
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