E1159 - Secretly Dating My Coworker | Ask Nick
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
And I would love to just move on, but I can't. I'm not over him.
Stop saying, I can't get over him. Replace it with, I'm getting over him. I'm in the process. It's difficult, but I can. And it's up to me. It just takes some time. But the thing that reduces the time it takes to get over someone is...
How's it going?
Good. My name's Alexis. I'm 27 years old and I'm having trouble setting boundaries with my toxic alcoholic future mother-in-law.
Okay.
It's quite a list. Tell me more.
So my fiance and I have been together for about five years now. And his mom has always been pretty difficult to be around. But ever since we started wedding planning together, it's been getting a lot more complicated and I'm having trouble figuring out where exactly I fit into this relationship and how I can set boundaries without overstepping.
So in what areas are you trying to avoid overstepping? And when you say this relationship, what relationship are you speaking about?
My relationship with her, my fiance is pretty good himself at setting boundaries. I kind of take the back seat and let him navigate that with her because she is such a difficult person to be around. So I've never really said anything confrontational to her, but I'm sort of trying to figure out, especially in the future where we plan to have children, where I belong in that and where I am, where I should speak up and where I should let him do the talking.
What conversations have you had with your fiance about this?
Right now, we are kind of in an agreement that the boundaries will be set by him. But I don't know. Sometimes I do feel like she'll do something really crazy and I kind of just will step back and let it happen.
Can you give me an example?
So she left me a voicemail. It was around like in the afternoon.
How do I set boundaries with a toxic, alcoholic future mother‑in‑law during wedding planning?
She left me a voicemail. She was drunk and she was basically just like, venting about my fiance and how he always has to get off the phone when I'm around and like that sort of thing. I kind of just didn't acknowledge it. She never apologized for it. And I kind of just like moved on. So I'm not a very confrontational person and neither is he. It feels like I'm taking a very passive approach and it's been tricky.
All right, so let's just focus on this situation and just kind of, I don't know, play it out and consider what our options are versus what you did or what you could have done and maybe see if there was a better way, you know, almost, right? And so I guess my first question is, when you got that voicemail or that phone call, what did you do? Did you tell your fiance about it?
Yeah. I told my fiance and I guess we're in the process of wedding planning and she hasn't affected me the same way. Like before her behavior kind of, I would just kind of brush it off. But now that I have like all this stress of wedding planning and like extra stressors of that, it kind of has been affecting me and bothering me a lot more than usual. It's just been getting to me a lot more.
Okay, that makes sense. So back to my question though, on this, with this phone call, you talked to, you told your fiance, yeah?
Yes.
And now when you told him, was it you just kind of like, Not necessarily gossiping, but just be like, you'll never believe what happened. Your mom told me and you were just kind of venting to him. Or did you tell him with an expectation or hope that he would do something? Like, what were you hoping to get out of anything from that conversation with your fiance? Other than just like, you know, boy, I was fucking crazy. Or was there something else to it?
That's a good question. I think I kind of just, for me, I guess it felt like communication, but I was a little bit of gossip too.
Which is, yeah, normal.
Yeah. I was kind of like, yeah, this is crazy and just like shocking.
Yeah.
So we can dive into it more, but my first, like my first thought, right, is, you know, you hear me say like control, you can control, you can't, you know, there's, and sometimes we have to accept the things we can't control, you know, yada, yada, yada. And I wonder if, you know, like, like you said, you've been dating your, your boyfriend, fiance for five years now, you are engaged, you are planning a wedding, you're soon to be married.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–2:26
2
How do I set boundaries with a toxic, alcoholic future mother‑in‑law during wedding planning?
2:26–12:03
3
What examples show passive vs active boundary setting with an interfering parent?
12:03–59:33
4
How can engaged couples decide whether to include a disruptive parent in wedding events?
59:33–1:27:01
5
How should I support my partner who grew up with an alcoholic, manipulative parent?
1:27:01–1:40:15
Speakers
3 identifiedMore from The Viall Files
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