Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Our first caller wants to end an emotional affair with a friend now that he’s in a relationship. Our second caller wants to get over the insecurities she has with her husband. And, our third caller thinks she might have made a mistake getting back together with her boyfriend. “It’s disingenuous that we can pretend to just be friends with people that we have feelings for.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/ Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [email protected] to be a part of our Monday episodes. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [email protected] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [email protected] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. BetterHelp - Find comfort this December, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off + 2 FREE pillows for all mattress orders! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall Jack Black - This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that help you look your best, you need Jack Black. Head to https://getjackblack.com/viall and use code VIALL for 10% off your order. StoryWorth - Help your family members share and capture their stories this holiday season with StoryWorth. Go to https://storyworth.com/viall today and save $10 on your first purchase! Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell
Chapter 1: How can I end my emotional affair?
Yes.
Okay.
I mean, still like and I and I said that to him, too. I'm like, if you wanted to, you would. And yeah, I mean, he he hasn't. So he doesn't want to. And I and I have come to terms with that to an extent. But I still want him in my life as my friend. But our relationship is not.
But you don't platonic. Yeah, that's the thing. You don't. Right. And so he's not your friend. You know, Natalie, my wife, is my best friend, obviously, of course. Right. But like that is not the core of our relationship. Right. It's disingenuous for ourselves to pretend that we can be just friends with people that we have elevated feelings for that go beyond us. a friendship, right?
I understand, you know, listen, you like this person. There are moments it sounds like he's added value to your life, you know, in the short term. But obviously, given how he's handling this, you've recognized that it's It's causing you more frustration, disappointment.
It's questioning your own, I'm guessing, integrity and character as you kind of entertain certain things that he's doing, knowing that it's affecting your conscience. But that being said, yeah, I get the desire. I guess the point is, you have to recognize...
That you walking away from this situation that you know isn't right or healthy for you big picture wise, that you're going to be sad about it, that you will miss aspects of the relationship you have with him, you know, just like any breakup, you know, to a certain extent. Yeah.
And it definitely feels like a breakup to me because of the emotional aspect of it. Exactly.
And I think that's okay for you to acknowledge and mourn to a certain degree because that's better off than trying to do these mental gymnastics in your head about like, well... you know, I really like him.
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Chapter 2: What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
is you know childish i'm guessing the person you want to be and like sometimes we just have to make difficult the decisions that sting a little bit in the short run might make us you know and that's what i mean like you need to acknowledge the sadness you know it you need to acknowledge it's going to feel like a breakup and i think that's the part that you're not doing yet you're you're still trying to you know you called with like oh how can i be friends with this guy
I mean, you were kind of hoping that you and I could just sit there and be like, all right, well, here's how you can be friends. You can't be friends with this guy. And you're still trying to figure that out. And you're trying to do this equation in your head that's unsolvable. And you're just not accepting the reality of the situation.
And you just have to be more honest with yourself about how your choices... are affecting your happiness and your, you know, your character, you know, and you just have to follow through and you have to be willing to be sad and you have to be willing to feel even maybe a little bit of heartbreak and disappointment over like losing what he has brought to your life that you enjoy.
And then you're going to have to learn from it, you know? But yeah, like you've noticed this pattern of you getting closer and closer with men who aren't available. And yeah, there seems to be some reason why. Are you in therapy? I am. Have you talked about this pattern? You have. So what does your therapist say?
Well, not specifically about the pattern, more about the situation with with this guy.
If I were you, I would be more interested in the pattern than this situation, because this situation is easily replicable. And it's really not about this guy. It's about this pattern that you, in fact, have noticed, you know, and for you to notice it means it definitely exists. Most people can't be self-aware to notice patterns.
And you have to make sure that your therapist isn't in just having fun gossiping with you about this guy. I would want, you know, I want you to look at why you're making the choices that you're making and what is the reason for you to continue this pattern? Like, what is it that you are missing?
You know, what void are you seemingly trying to fill as a result of this type of behavior that you're doing?
Yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with validation. Like I'm seeking validation from other people because I do think all these wonderful things about myself. I'm successful. I'm attractive. I'm funny. I'm all of these things. But I need other people, mostly men, to reflect that back to me.
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Chapter 3: How do I set boundaries in relationships?
And then when you do go on the dating apps or go out with available men and, you know, it doesn't go your way, you feel more rejected. I'm guessing because you get in your head about like, well, they won't even pick me when they're if they don't have a girlfriend. I mean, like you said, yeah, you know. You're an attractive person. You have a lot going for you.
If you really wanted a boyfriend tomorrow, if your life depended on it, I'm confident you could have one. But the men you're going after, I'm willing to bet that the reasons you're dating aren't for love. They're not for stability or making a romantic connection. I think a lot of it is based off of being validated.
And so my guess is you're going after a lot of the fuck boys and you're going after a lot of the men who your subconscious brain is seeing an opportunity for. And that opportunity is to feel validated. You're, you're, you're, you're not going after men who might be able to, you know, share and develop something. And, you know, you're just, there's this, obviously this intense need of validation.
And if I were you, if, you know, therapy we know is expensive.
I would be more intentional about what you are talking about in therapy because like talking about individual situations is nice, but, you know, working with a therapist that hopefully can understand, you know, like child, like past traumas or the reasons why we do things and try to look into what's causing these repetitive behaviors is a far better use of your time.
Because otherwise, you're just paying a therapist to talk with about your relationship problems when you exhaust your friends.
Yes, and they're exhausted.
So, yeah. But, you know, you're clearly, you know, you're very capable of making the right decisions. You're not as helpless as you're acting. And you need to just hold yourself to a higher standard. And this will change when you really want it to change.
Right. And that's only... when the change can happen is when I'm truly ready. And it's, I keep trying, you know, inching towards that, that point. And I just need to, you know, actually take that step and you know, be good with that. It's just, I don't know how to do that. I just, do I call him up and be like, hi, I'm not talking to you again.
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Chapter 4: Why is self-respect important in relationships?
all right delete his number now block like block him on instagram block him on snapchat block him on whatever the fuck i luckily only have instagram so let's go ahead and do that you got your phone in front of you go ahead block i don't know why this is so stressful to me well because you're actually doing something you're not used to doing you know
but you got to change your attitude your attitude is so victim mindset like be proud of yourself you just did something that you really struggled doing like pat yourself on the back like have a sense of accomplishment and pride in yourself like yeah you know yeah i think i tend to think about the what i'm losing as opposed to what i'm gaining and i need to focus on what i'm gaining
set an appointment with your therapist and talk about why you are like the patterns you know and yeah i will um like you don't need to like just cut to the fat you know you don't need a slow burn respecting yourself definitely doing the slow burn situation yeah Need to take more action. Well, keep us posted how this is going. Cry to your friends, but like try to pat yourself on the back.
Try to feel a sense of pride because until you're able to do that, like if you're just going to go into this victim mindset of like, I'm so sad. I don't know if I can do this. I'm heartbroken. Yeah. I mean, you're going to make yourself vulnerable for when he eventually inevitably bangs down your door, so to speak.
And just keep in mind that like he needs to come correct him saying I'm sad and I can't do this. No, if he doesn't show up at your door and then like I ended it, even then I would make sure I would proceed with caution.
Right. Agreed.
All right.
All right. Thanks, Nick.
You're welcome. I'm proud of you. Now, uh, follow through. This is your life, you know? I mean, I'm serious.
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Chapter 5: How can I find healthier relationships?
You know, every day he wakes up and he has the option to look at other women or be with other women, but still every day comes back and chooses you. I would feel good about your husband continuing to choose you every day because honestly, that's what it comes down to in terms of making relationships work. You're seeing it as, I don't know, something else other than being chosen.
But that's a different perspective that I've never thought about.
But yeah, I mean, your big problem is like you're just choosing it to see it in a negative way. Why you're choosing it to see in a negative way is something I would explore with a therapist if I were you, because there seems to definitely be a reason why. Obviously, we're just not going to be able to unpack that in a call like this.
And but it's probably has something to do with your past, you know, some kind of past trauma with a boyfriend or a parent. I don't know. Um, but you know, it's usually one of those things, but yeah, I mean, if you're really tired of it, I would, I would invest in exploring that, you know, because eventually it is going to cause a rift in your relationship.
Yeah. And not to mention the fact that he's younger than me doesn't help. How much younger? He's six years younger.
Okay. You've been together for 15 years.
Yeah. Well, you don't look your age.
So there you go. You look great. You know?
Oh, thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. But, It's just, I don't, I don't know. I just, I just, I hear you talking to other people and I'm like, oh my God, that's great advice. You know, my God, that's, you know, that's something I would have said to my friends. And then I'm like, maybe he can, But I know it's like, it's like more in here, like more in my head than anything.
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Chapter 6: What should I do if I feel lonely?
And I think You know, even though society definitely accepts and quite honestly, there are going to be more and more women in the workforce than men just because women are being college educated at a much faster pace than men these days. That being said, I still think there's a natural need for men to figure their shit out.
before they can really be focused on their relationships and things like that. I've always had the intent of being a great partner, but I think I am capable of being a much better partner now because I am not trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life. And now, I mean, I spend a lot of my energy and time focused on work, but the motivation is for my family.
And so even me going to work and working has a purpose that I didn't have. When I was younger, my purpose was like I was trying to make my dreams come true, and I didn't even know what my dreams were. And I was trying to make a certain amount of money because I thought I should. but I didn't really have a purpose or a focus or a goal. And that felt very unsettling for me.
And so a lot of my energy went towards that. I always wanted to have a girlfriend. I often did have a girlfriend in my 20s. But, you know, and quite honestly, sometimes I felt like I spent too much energy focused on relationships where I maybe could have spent more energy focused on my career.
And I think it is harder for people your guys' age to try to do both, honestly, especially this day and age. 30 years ago, you two would already be engaged or married and you guys would kind of figure your shit out, right? But now we don't expect that of our 20-year-olds these days.
Our 20-year-olds, we're telling them, all right, now that you graduated from college, now's your kind of time to travel and be selfish, try a couple different jobs, maybe in a couple different careers. And when you're 30, hopefully you have yourself figured out whether it's your career or what you want to do with your family.
And I think that's kind of the generalized societal expectation that we have. And him coming from a wealthy, accomplished family, he probably has a little bit more pressure to do That as well, you know, so there's that he's, you know, facing and dealing with. Maybe the answer to your question is to maybe you don't need to figure it out right now. You don't know if you want to have kids.
So like your biological clock maybe isn't as ticking as loud as maybe other women your age who are 100 percent certain. You know, at the same time, you know, I think your big concern is like you don't want to like you want a boyfriend. You don't want a boy who's a friend kind of thing.
True.
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