I howl like the wolf because I am your host of this fictional comedy horror SCI FI podcast, where, every Tuesday, I read two letters from my Lizardly fans to feed their recognition hunger by answering all their horror and SCI FI woes deep in the knowledge that they will never ever ever ever do anything about their desire to change, because, get this, like the rest of us, they just want to wallow. And who can blame them? Sometimes, there’s pleasure in pain. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that when a crazed psychopath saws off your pinky with a rusty screwdriver to blackmail your parents out of their pension, that that is acceptable. But low-level pain that doesn’t catch you off guard is tolerable until it is too late, so you write to me and those listening, to keep all three of us entertained. Misery loves company. So, as your favourite Vigilante Cannibal Nun Agony Aunt, I love the letters, and they keep me warm of a night when I burn them. So, let’s see what we have in this week’s bag o’ shite. Welcome to Episode 24: Smallpoxed & Does My Bum Look Big in This?The first letter today is from Tony in Birmingham circa 1966, a photographer who started an outbreak of smallpox at the medical school and who died and then was reborn 12 years later when he started another outbreak of smallpox in a medical lab and died. Now he is limbo-ing on a beach somewhere in Dante’s Inferno and he asks, is Three the Magic Number?And the second letter is from Anna circa 1982 somewhere in Canada, it’s a big place, can you be more specific? No. Anna says, my mother was working in a laboratory where there was a leak of Ebola, but that’s beside the point. Here’s the thing. Every time I feel shame, I grow an extra tooth. Now I look like a character out of the muppets or Charlie Brown, if I grow a new tooth my mouth will explode. But here is the nub, or the rub, if I don’t feel shame, my bum grows an inch in circumference. And I have measured it. Feel shame, don’t feel shame – as if shame is the only arbiter. But the horrible truth is that I can no longer eat with all the teeth in my mouth or, indeed, insert a straw. I look like my head is about to split open but if my ass gets any bigger, I will no longer be able to walk, unless I float away a la Kenny Everett pretending to be Rod Stewart. What can do? I think God has me in a moral bind. I don’t even care about the whys? I just want the nightmare to end. And she finishes with, do you know a good dentist?REFERENCESCAROL MURPHY -https://www.instagram.com/thevigilantecannibalnun/THE BODY & BLOOD – https://www.thebodyandblood.co.ukGHOULS ON FILM - https://www.ghoulsonfilmbelfast.comDANTE’S INFERNO - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_(Dante)KENNY EVERETT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_EverettGROUND HOG DAY - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groundhog_Day_(film)JACK THE RIPPER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_the_RipperPEEPING TOM - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peeping_Tom_(1960_film)THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/3_Feet_High_and_RisingCHARLIE BROWN - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_BrownATTICA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attica_Prison_riotMOBY DICK - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moby-DickEBOLA - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EbolaROD STEWART - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_StewartKENNY EVERETT - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_EverettSTIG OF THE DUMP - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stig_of_the_Dump

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“What did the council decide on item 42?” — answered with the speaker and the moment.

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