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Chapter 1: Is it normal to feel consumed by relationships?
Is it normal to feel consumed by your relationships, by your friendships, by your partner? Is it normal to feel like every time your parents call you, you need to pick up and if they are complaining about some family drama, you need to listen even though you're on a date, even though you're busy with your own life doing your own thing? Why is it that we feel like we owe so much to people?
And why is it that when we want a piece of our own pie, when we just want to kind of exist in our own skin for a little bit, it's deemed selfish, it's deemed vain, it's deemed ungrateful? I don't think it's any of those things. I think that I allow people to walk a little bit close to my boundaries.
Chapter 2: Why do we feel obligated to respond to family drama?
And sometimes when they cross them, I kind of ignore it. But I have come to realize if you don't call things out, if you don't mention the fact that someone is calling you at midnight to complain about their boyfriend that you told them you just shouldn't be with them. That's it. That's it. That's all I have to say.
And they keep doing it because they want some kind of sympathy because they want you to be like, oh, it's OK. It's going to be fine. You got to put your foot down. You have to say no. And especially it's pertinent that you say no to people that you know it will piss off if you say no to. I've started living by this rule in my own life and it's transformed everything about it.
It's made people respect me more. It's made my family understand, okay, you know, he's got his own life. And Over everything, I've just become a happier person because I don't have these expectations I need to fill of other people all the time. But also, I won't lie, in relationships it's been harder.
Because if you do really love somebody, or you care for them deeply, it's hard to just be like, yo, stiff arm, right? You kind of have to do it with more grace. And nobody really teaches you how to do that. That's why I'm going to try to do that right now. Look, honesty is always worth the price that you pay up front, which is discomfort, which is this weird kind of, should I have done that?
Should I have not? It's always worth it. But I think your delivery is what matters. I think if you do it in a very snappy, selfish way, like stop, talk, right? Like just the anger. Yeah, it's going to come off weird. And you might have to clarify yourself a couple times where I think the strength really lies is in your ability to be like, hey, I need my time.
Or hey, your problems have really consumed a lot of my own mental space. People don't really talk about this, but bro, if you're all the time acting like a therapist instead of a friend, you're going to think about these problems.
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Chapter 3: How can we recognize and enforce our boundaries?
They're A lot of people like to say, oh, you know, I separate myself from the issue. I separate myself from from my friends problems. It's not mine. But if you have any ounce of empathy, it's hard to do that. Maybe you guys have found a metaphor that let me know. I haven't like any time.
There's been some kind of, you know, especially in my close relationships, drama or some kind of, you know, distaste for another person. Like it becomes a whole ordeal. It almost becomes like this reality TV show, you know, an episode of Love Island where you're trying to figure out like who cheated on who. And although it's fun, it's a distraction from things.
It's a distraction from your own life. And. People can become distractions very, very easily if you don't set boundaries. Oh, my goodness. They become the best distraction in the world. It's so fun to be entrenched in somebody else's life to the point where you forget to live your own. It's so cool because you are absolved of any kind of responsibility in your own life.
Oh, because I was dealing with this problem. Because, oh, this person needed my support. Bro, you need to support yourself. I understand your friend is in deep trouble. But there's only so much you can do. And if you have done everything that you can, what more can you ask for? What more is there? But does that make me a bad friend or a bad partner, Zerky? Yeah, I mean...
It depends on your definition. But to me, I think if you can't take care of your own garden and tend to your own, how does that give you any ability to tend to somebody else's? And also, when did that ever become your responsibility? A relationship should supplement your life. It shouldn't make you stay up until 2 a.m. wondering, oh my goodness, what if this happens?
What if they do lose their job? What if they don't find a new job? Oh my goodness, we're going to be cooked. That should not be the case. You should be able to support them and you too should be able to be strong separately so you can come together and have something really special. That being said though, life is life.
If you don't think your partner is going to go through a moment where, you know, they lose somebody that's close to them. Or they feel lonely. They feel isolated. You two aren't as intimate. You're wrong.
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Chapter 4: What impact does saying 'no' have on personal relationships?
It isn't all peaches and rainbows. After, you know, things start to happen, you realize, wow, this is what a relationship is for. It's for that support. It's for having that other person. But also, it's not to abuse someone. So many people get in relationships and treat their partner like a soundboard or treat them like just a therapist that they can throw every problem at.
And as someone who has done that and also has received that, it's not fair. It's not fair to either party. Because let's be honest, you bombarding them with problems, you're not trying to solve any of them. And there's a good chance if they're coming to you with all of theirs, they have no interest in solving any of them.
They just want somebody to pat their head or their back or rub their shoulder. It's okay. It's okay. And you know what? Maybe that's what you need. And I think it would be good if you were up front with that. If you didn't disguise it as like, I need your advice. And you said, yo, I need some support right now. Can you just hear me out?
Can I rant to you for like two minutes and then we'll keep going with our day? Because this is my fault too. I'm an obsessive person. If somebody shares me those kind of details, I'm going to ask about it. I'm going to want to keep tabs on it. And maybe that's my bad. Maybe I have to be more forgiving and just let go of things and be like, you know what? Not my problem.
That's just not my problem. But if you hold on to your partner's issues really strongly, you have to learn where your place in it is, which is you are still an outsider to these problems. And it's good to observe them. It's okay to give your two cents when your two cents is needed. But you do not need to solve them for somebody else. You need to focus on where your boundaries are.
You need to focus on what is the line. And it doesn't mean that you're a bad person for wanting to set boundaries. It actually means that you're a really good person. You value your time. You value other people's time. You're not going to sit and dwindle and move your thumbs around. You're going to use it for something. But also, I will say that some people are OD with the boundaries.
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't feel like going to this party. I just, I'm low social battery today. Bro, come on. What? Low social battery.
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Chapter 5: How does honesty affect our relationships?
Really? After I saw in your story, you were hanging with like four of your girlies. Really? That's low social battery. All right. Respect those. Don't be surprised if you stiff arm somebody and they grow distant. Because people can see through the BS sometimes. I'll be honest. There's a difference between actually being genuine, being like, yo, man, I just can't hang out right now.
I'm going to be honest. And creating some kind of excuse. Oh, it's a social battery. It's not a social battery. You just don't want to. And be honest that you don't want to. Hey, man, I just want to chill tonight. Sorry. Not, oh, it's because I'm dealing with this other thing and that's making... Like, no, you're not. You're not. You don't want to. Maybe it's because of the low social battery.
Sure. But just say you don't want to. You'd be appalled to some of the excuses people will make and blame it on boundaries. I'm trying to set better boundaries. No, you're just not being honest. You're coming up with excuses that have turned into buzzwords to get yourself out of responsibility that you've committed to. It's crazy.
As an adult, man, if you don't want to do these things and you do set those boundaries, you don't have the capital to complain then, right? Or the permission to complain about not being invited to parties or not being invited to things when you are closing those opportunities. That's a boundary you're setting. That's how boundaries work, okay?
And if you want to open that boundary back up, it's on you. It's not on your friends to recognize, well, I think she's a little more social now. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's on you. You have to express that. Hey guys, I know that I was like kind of a shut-in last semester. I do want to come out and hang out now. I think it'd be super fun. I want to build these relationships back up.
You got to run that meta, bro. Gots to. Also, how we feeling about Shiesty Zerk? Oh, get up, trolling. Dude, it is cold. It's so cold in Toronto right now. But it's making for some really good reflection. I love the snow. I love this city so much. I'm very grateful to be here. At the end of the day, it will come down to how you set your boundaries and how you use your time. It always has.
This is something that we know. If you're an avid listener of the show, you know I talk about this a lot. But how do we stand up to people? Because it's different when you know you can talk to somebody and they're reasonable. How do you reason with someone that cannot be reasoned with? How are you able to say no if you know that saying no will be a problem? You have to accept you might lose them.
And maybe that's for the better. Because what if you built your entire friendship or your entire relationship on a bed of lies? Your foundation is rotting from the core. You really expect to keep this game up? You really expect to just continue to do this for the rest of your life? It's not going to work. And don't you deserve to have honest friends?
Not ones that are going to tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.
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Chapter 6: Why is it important to support ourselves first?
I always see that you hang out with this person and you're always with this other person. And there was this party you never invited me to. So I'm trying to make up for that because you don't even see me that way. It will unravel. Then again, you have another piece of evidence to ask yourself, do I want to be friends with this person or are they insane? Relationships should not consume your life.
They should not be the thing that is the only thing going on for you. It should be a part of it. It should be something that you cherish and you do not need to hang out a certain amount of times, be with somebody a certain amount of hours to confirm that you are friends, to confirm that you two are Love each other and have a deep respect for each other. Not how it works. Not how it works.
You should not feel like your entire life revolves around somebody else's happiness and trying to make them happy. That's not fair to you. That doesn't make you happy. If somebody truly loves you and they're here to support you through this lifetime, they will understand that your happiness matters just as much as theirs. And... They shouldn't bend over backwards for you.
But what they should do is they should support you as much as they can. And they have to know where their boundary is, where they stop. You know, it's trial and error. That's what life really is. And you got to learn from the error. You got to learn from a lot of trials, man. You got to do it a lot.
You've got to go through terrible friendships in order to appreciate your good ones and keep them secure. You have to go through good friendships to understand what you want out of somebody in the future who you think should be a friend. We totally undermine this and we think that instead we need... to have as many friends as possible.
We need to be in as much drama as possible to secure our stamp as someone who has friends, is in a social circle, is hanging out with people. But your alone time is as crucial as your time with the bros watching the Patriots. Your alone time is as crucial as kicking a ball and playing some footy and pretending that you're taking a free kick like prime Dimitri Payet, right? Unk knows ball.
Your alone time is as crucial as the date that you go on with your girlfriend to celebrate your one year at Chili's. Your alone time matters. And if your relationship is consuming your life, that is not your alone time. It is encroached on your alone time. It is encroached on your ability to have a clear head and enjoy your life. Then it's a detriment.
And you really got to think, is this worth keeping? It's a hard thing, man. It's a hard thing. But Zerky Show, I think you'll make the right decision. I think at the end of the day, you know what's best for you. And even if you don't know what that is right now, take your time. Be more observant. Let people speak. Ask questions and see how they react to it. Not to be testing people.
There's this whole thing. Five tests you should do to your boyfriend. I see this stuff all the time. Bro, all that stuff is BS. But what you should do is you should understand that like you got to test the waters a little bit. You got to understand where the boundary is a little bit. You got, you got to ask certain questions maybe with a different intention. No, actually don't do that.
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