you’re not their therapist
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What guilty pleasure does the speaker reveal about their relationships?
I have a guilty pleasure in relationships which is when things get hard, I disappear. I stop kind of caring about my own emotions and I put someone else in front of me as the important one that needs the most attention. And I think this came from a deep insecurity when I was younger that I wasn't liked. And any relationship I was in, it was just a matter of time before they would leave me because they'd realize how pathetic I was. Not the best thoughts to be having as like an eight, nine year old, but you know, hey, We all go through our own fair share of things. And that's been a theme that I didn't really think that much of until I became a little bit older and I started realizing, wait a minute.
I really feel like I can't express my own struggles or my own feelings when someone else is going through it. And I don't think that that's fair. I don't think that's fair at all. I actually think that if you feel frustrated or you feel upset about your partner and they're having a hard time, they're going through an emotionally taxing time, it doesn't mean that you just start to ignore yourself. Actually, I think it's more of a pretext to like bring those things up and talk about it together. But for some reason, for me, it almost feels like they don't care. And same thing goes for my friends or for my family. They don't care.
How can we prioritize our own emotions in relationships?
They have their own problems. Why would I want to burden them with more? But that continues to build pressure in my own life. And that continues to make me feel so terrible about the fact that I am not okay. And I need somebody to talk to. I need somebody to vent to. And I need someone to just tell me, yo, bro, you're goaded. Relax. Like, you're going to be fine. Yes, you know, you haven't been consistent with the gym. Yes, you've been indulging a little bit and some P. Terry's in and out a little too much. That's okay. I just need someone to tell me that's okay. But I won't get that unless I decide to seek it out. What is so easy is for you to close yourself in and validate the part of you that wants to be ignored.
What insecurities influence our relationship dynamics?
And that wants to secretly feel like nobody cares about you. But it is a lie. It's not truthful. And it is based in a deep insecurity, which is that you want to be liked. You want to feel like people care about you. But if you do not give them the chance, they won't. But sometimes it's difficult. Because I'm sure you have friendships where you're basically an emotional sponge to them. All they do is talk about how bad their life is and all you do is give advice and they never change. So at what point... Do you make a decision to stand up for yourself and be like, no more? No more. I'm not dealing with this anymore. I got my own life to live. I got my own things that interest me.
How can we express our struggles without burdening others?
It's like, how much can you take until you realize that doesn't help you either? I've spent a long time. in my own life, trying to be the therapist for other people and not in a sense of hearing people out, giving feedback when they ask, but instead trying to fix whatever they're going through and trying to look at things from a lens of my own. But that's not how life works. At least in my opinion, everyone has their own journey. Everyone has their own set of problems, quirks that make them very unique. And I'm very thankful for it, but also it makes it really complicated to give any kind of advice and actually adhere to it and follow it. And a lot of the advice that you can hear about your own life, right, like go to sleep on time, be active, have a good friend group, have good people around you, that's all stuff that you will hear from people time and time again like a broken record.
But you won't internalize it until you struggle through it and you make a decision to make a change. Instead, what I think happens to a lot of us is we become the dealer for other people. Other people become addicted on our support. And then it makes you feel like your entire existence is just to help other people. But you're not even helping. You're just there. And not there as just like, I'm here for you.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What guilty pleasure does the speaker reveal about their relationships?
0:00–1:31
2
How can we prioritize our own emotions in relationships?
1:31–2:35
3
What insecurities influence our relationship dynamics?
2:35–3:28
4
How can we express our struggles without burdening others?
3:28–5:07
5
What does it mean to set healthy boundaries in relationships?
5:07–5:53
6
How do we balance our own needs with those of others?
5:53–6:51
7
What signs indicate we might be losing ourselves in relationships?
6:51–8:02
8
How can we find peace without sacrificing our individuality?
8:02–20:23