Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What guilty pleasure does the speaker reveal about their relationships?
I have a guilty pleasure in relationships which is when things get hard, I disappear. I stop kind of caring about my own emotions and I put someone else in front of me as the important one that needs the most attention. And I think this came from a deep insecurity when I was younger that I wasn't liked.
And any relationship I was in, it was just a matter of time before they would leave me because they'd realize how pathetic I was. Not the best thoughts to be having as like an eight, nine year old, but you know, hey, We all go through our own fair share of things.
And that's been a theme that I didn't really think that much of until I became a little bit older and I started realizing, wait a minute. I really feel like I can't express my own struggles or my own feelings when someone else is going through it. And I don't think that that's fair. I don't think that's fair at all.
I actually think that if you feel frustrated or you feel upset about your partner and they're having a hard time, they're going through an emotionally taxing time, it doesn't mean that you just start to ignore yourself. Actually, I think it's more of a pretext to like bring those things up and talk about it together. But for some reason, for me, it almost feels like they don't care.
And same thing goes for my friends or for my family. They don't care.
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Chapter 2: How can we prioritize our own emotions in relationships?
They have their own problems. Why would I want to burden them with more? But that continues to build pressure in my own life. And that continues to make me feel so terrible about the fact that I am not okay. And I need somebody to talk to. I need somebody to vent to. And I need someone to just tell me, yo, bro, you're goaded. Relax. Like, you're going to be fine.
Yes, you know, you haven't been consistent with the gym. Yes, you've been indulging a little bit and some P. Terry's in and out a little too much. That's okay. I just need someone to tell me that's okay. But I won't get that unless I decide to seek it out. What is so easy is for you to close yourself in and validate the part of you that wants to be ignored.
Chapter 3: What insecurities influence our relationship dynamics?
And that wants to secretly feel like nobody cares about you. But it is a lie. It's not truthful. And it is based in a deep insecurity, which is that you want to be liked. You want to feel like people care about you. But if you do not give them the chance, they won't. But sometimes it's difficult. Because I'm sure you have friendships where you're basically an emotional sponge to them.
All they do is talk about how bad their life is and all you do is give advice and they never change. So at what point... Do you make a decision to stand up for yourself and be like, no more? No more. I'm not dealing with this anymore. I got my own life to live. I got my own things that interest me.
Chapter 4: How can we express our struggles without burdening others?
It's like, how much can you take until you realize that doesn't help you either? I've spent a long time. in my own life, trying to be the therapist for other people and not in a sense of hearing people out, giving feedback when they ask, but instead trying to fix whatever they're going through and trying to look at things from a lens of my own. But that's not how life works.
At least in my opinion, everyone has their own journey. Everyone has their own set of problems, quirks that make them very unique. And I'm very thankful for it, but also it makes it really complicated to give any kind of advice and actually adhere to it and follow it.
And a lot of the advice that you can hear about your own life, right, like go to sleep on time, be active, have a good friend group, have good people around you, that's all stuff that you will hear from people time and time again like a broken record. But you won't internalize it until you struggle through it and you make a decision to make a change.
Instead, what I think happens to a lot of us is we become the dealer for other people. Other people become addicted on our support. And then it makes you feel like your entire existence is just to help other people. But you're not even helping. You're just there. And not there as just like, I'm here for you.
Chapter 5: What does it mean to set healthy boundaries in relationships?
You're just there to be squeezed like a sponge. And it takes a toll on you. It does. And it makes you want to be a recluse and not interact. And it makes you really upset with yourself that you are allowing other people's emotions to just like bog you down. It's like cement on your feet and you can't swim up. It sucks. It sucks. So how do you distance yourself from it?
How do you set a healthy boundary? Everyone likes to talk about boundaries. What even is a boundary nowadays? You have a phone, there are no boundaries. You can call somebody at any time, text them at any time. It's this like weird feeling like I need to respond to them.
Chapter 6: How do we balance our own needs with those of others?
When in reality, you can take a break from your phone, five, 10 minutes, nothing will happen. But it doesn't feel that way. Look, I think it actually lands better In your own needs. That's where a lot of... The struggle is in. Because do you even know what you need? I don't know if I know what I need. I think I need to be around people a lot. I'm social. I like talking to people.
But then again... being around people way too much kind of makes me exhausted. Kind of makes me be like, yo, I need my own space. So then you go on the, you know, a little bit of a pendulum swing and you say, okay, then if I need space, I need to be by myself. All right, that's great.
Chapter 7: What signs indicate we might be losing ourselves in relationships?
But being by yourself a little bit too much can also drive you to points of losing your sanity. So then It's this swing of figuring out what is needed. And outside of that, it also comes with people. Because there might be a part of you that does need somebody to just hear you out. But there's also a part of you that might need to just like keep your problems in and not worry about it.
And the truth is that you have to kind of find what that balance looks like for you. And different people can be good in different attributes. You don't have to get the same support from somebody that makes you laugh than someone that you can have an honest, genuine heart to heart with. People are different, right? You can be a jester, like that meme where he's like in front of the princess.
You can be that too. That's fine. But if your needs are not being met, you will begin to build resentment towards other people in your life and you might start to withdraw. And it happens slowly.
Chapter 8: How can we find peace without sacrificing our individuality?
I'm sure you've noticed that maybe you were on the receiving end of this, where you were in a relationship with somebody and all of a sudden they just, they're switching little things. It's always small things, things that they would say, maybe compliments that they would make, initiation they would take. It begins to fade and it's not like an immediate, they don't want to talk to you.
It's kind of like a When given a choice of something else, they will begin to wonder about that choice a little bit more. In times where it used to be, we're gonna hang out together, we have this ritual together that we're gonna drive home from school, they're gonna decide, you know what, I wanna go with this person and that person and listen. Nothing wrong with that.
You need a little bit of change and sometimes you'll be in a honeymoon phase and then it's time to take a break and kind of get back into reality. But you will begin to kind of feel it If they are pulling back and it's always important in my opinion to acknowledge it and bring it up. Yo, things don't feel the same. And why is that? What is causing this? Is it something that I'm doing?
Maybe I'm doing something wrong and I would want to know. Part of it could also be they just don't like you anymore. your deep fear that you are actually being neglected, it might be true. It might be true. But also, you need to give them a benefit of the doubt. And you have to also look like, are you being a little bit stagnant?
Are you being a little bit comfortable in your relationship, in your friendship, where you're kind of letting off the gas? Because famously, it takes two to tango, and if you're not doing the proper dance moves, you're going to be... Uncoordinated. And it might feel like they are the problem, but rarely is that ever the case. It always falls back to you two in a relationship, in a friendship.
Two people is what make it count. So what if we're in a situation where we feel like the only option is to slowly shut off our emotions and drift away into the night? We got to recognize why we have decided to turn that part of us on. What? Turn us on? Why are we so keen on stepping away from our relationship? What is making us feel that way? And what are we not receiving that we need?
Is it something that we can voice? Is it a time thing? Are we not spending enough time with somebody else? Is it that we don't have enough alone time? And that's actually making us feel super, super claustrophobic because that's a very real thing. Not a lot of people talk about. You want to spend every moment with your partner. You want to spend every moment with your friends.
Bro, you need alone time. You need a moment to chill on the couch. You need a moment to go to the beach. You need a moment to drive in your car and listen to music. You need that. Not everything needs to be spent with somebody else. But instead what happens is a lot of us think that a relationship and the time we spend is very scarce. We don't think of it as abundance.
We think of it as this person will leave me eventually so I need to harness as much of their energy, as much of their time, as much of their soul as possible. It's a bad way to look at it. It's a way I understand because I used to think that way and I thought it's only a matter of time until this is cooked, right? But it only goes so far.
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