Chapter 1: What funny experiences do the hosts share about their makeup mishaps?
We are the greatest dykes in the world. Mackenzie Goodwin. Rachel Scanlan. Worldwide dykes for life. Hey! Two dykes, two dykes, two dykes. One mic, one mic, one mic, one mic. Yeah. Two dykes, two dykes. Who dykes, who dykes? We dykes, we dykes, we dykes.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Two Dykes and a Mic. I'm Mackenzie Goodwin. And I'm Rachel Scanlon-Ali.
We're so glad that you're here. And you're queer. Mostly.
And you're full of... Cheer. That's right. New year, new us. New year, new us. This is the first episode that's public in 2026.
You know what that means? What? Everyone's doing their resis.
Yeah, we did our resolutions on the last private episode. So you're going to want to fly into that. You're going to want to, if you haven't already, we have a subscription-based episode. Two episodes a month that come out. If you subscribe, you get these episodes. And they're with that Anna Camp episode. So good. Yeah, you're going to want to get it. Yeah. Get subscribed.
So we're on YouTube, Patreon, Spotify, and Apple. You can subscribe today. It is only like $5 a month. And you get two free... You get access to all the episodes we've ever done.
I keep getting people being like, I wish you guys were weekly. We are. We are. We're literally every week. Every single week, you can see this mug and that beautiful... I would say looking like a TV detective today.
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Chapter 2: How do the hosts feel about New Year's resolutions?
Yeah. Here's the thing. In my dream, my dream scenario, when I'm driving around and I see somebody doing a legal move because I'm a stickler for following the traffic laws. And I see somebody doing an illegal move. My dream scenario is popping a red guy on the hood. Yep. And chasing them. Pull over. You cannot make a right on yellow. No. Don't know if you know that.
Who's making it?
Don't know if you know that. Can't make a right on yellow. Dude, hell yeah. You can't change lanes within 50 feet of an intersection. Oh, shit. Erica Marie Goodwin. Always doing that.
Oh, my God. I do a lot of moving violations. I love to get into the left lane before it becomes a left lane. So I'm going to go around traffic, kind of go into oncoming traffic to sneak up into the left lane. You cannot do that. I'm famous for that one. I can't stand a moving violator. I'm a wanted man. You are. So many of those cameras, I'm fucked. I've done traffic school.
Many a time. A lot. I have jury duty coming out. Dude, do you? I know. And here's the thing. Yeah. I might try and stay. Something is kind of exciting about it. To be chosen. I would like to be a chosen one. I'd love to be a juror, but here's the thing. I think I have to not lie to get out of jury duty. I have to lie to get in jury duty.
Yes, I'm normal.
Because what I am is not what they want. Right. So I fear. An unbiased party.
I don't have biased parties. Me? Bias? The rural juror. I'm excited. Dude, I'm excited for you. Thank you. You have to tell me everything. What if it's Eileen Wuornos again? I know she's passed.
They made it very clear I cannot talk publicly about anything.
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Chapter 3: What insights do they provide on jury duty and civic responsibility?
Can you talk to me privately? No. You know what's so crazy? I'm talking to this person. Wait, did I wink properly? You did. You went, no. I was talking to this woman who works in health care. Okay. Hot. In LA. Hot. And I'm like, have you seen any celebrities? And she's like, I can't say. And I'm like, we're here. And she's like, I literally can't. We're not on a podcast. I'm like, HIPAA's real.
HIPAA is real. HIPAA, they take that shit for real. Here's what I don't like. Hmm. HIPAA.
HIPAA.
First of all, HIPAA, a real pain in the ass. I'm trying to goss at Christmas.
I will say, there are some dork doctors that follow HIPAA and don't- Dorks. Dorks. If we're at a dinner party and you're not- Spill. Spill. Spill the tea. Nobody's-
i will say doctors are like hey man i do have one doctor yeah that does spill the tea shouldn't do that and i know they shouldn't but i do love hearing the goss but you're not allowed you're not allowed to this is what i want but i want to complain when you don't spill the tea yeah but if you're a doctor and you do now i don't like that either shame on you i can't be pleased i want the tea but don't you dare tell me hippa hippa sick anyways
We have an episode today.
I have to tell you something. I've been hanging out with my god baby who's too young and she's learning things. She's learning like she'll come up to me and she'll be like, what's your dad's name? She comes up to my wife. She goes, who lives here? You know what I mean? Because she's always like running around.
I can tell what she's learning in her books or wherever the fuck she learns because she'll ask me. She'll be like, what's your sister's name? She's learning family. Yeah. You know what I mean? She's learning, like, how old are you? Because I'm sure everyone's asking her. She's like, when's your birthday? Like, she's like, whatever. She's like, you want to see my arabesque? She's in ballet. Okay.
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Chapter 4: How do the hosts discuss their relationships with family and friends?
And she went... Ew. Yeah. She lost her mind.
Yeah.
She was like, ew.
100%. I don't like that you are siblings. This god baby thinks that her mom is also my mom.
Fun.
Her mom's my best friend. Yeah, yeah. She's like, this is your mom. And I go like, she's not my mom. And how do you explain that? It's hard to explain. You said, that's my grandmother. But she also, she points at me and Nazar, and she's like, you guys are married? And I'm like, yeah. Like, she gets it. She was the flower girl. Like, she knows.
But when I say that, like, her mom isn't my mom, she kind of is like. Loses it. You're a liar.
I told my niece this week that I was like, you know, your papa is my dad. And she's like, but that's also my dad's dad. Right. And I go, right. And she goes, he's a double dad?
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What are the hosts' thoughts on the impact of traffic laws?
Love it.
She didn't want to offend. She didn't want to say the wrong answer. Well, I like that. Kids just get it. No wrong answer. Yeah, exactly. No wrong answer. Beautiful. No right. Well, all answers right. No answers wrong. Kind of powerful stuff. Powerful. I have to tell you something. Yeah. I ended telling you something. I could sense you about to say something. I said, hell no.
Sometimes it goes back and forth. Do you want to say something? No. Have you been misgendered by a kid?
No, just by my parents.
They keep himming me as a bit. Listen to this. Yeah. As you know, I have had what some might describe as horrific makeup in public a lot.
Yeah. If you all remember years ago, Rachel was given white face for my special comedy special. Leah, we can throw throw you a photo. There was a picture I took. I saw you backstage and you were like, how do I look? And I was like, girl, bad. We got to get you in the makeup chair. I looked like memoirs of a geisha.
When Mulan goes to charm school, we'll have you washed and dried. Yeah. It was giving racially insensitive. It was bad, dude. Each a perfect porcelain doll. I was in whiteface. Nobody told me. We've talked about this a thousand times, but I have, this has happened to me before where I get into makeup. And then also I have issues in the makeup chair when I'm on like shows and stuff because.
Well, they're trying to combat the redness. And then they make me look like a geisha. A geisha.
Okay.
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts navigate friendships and crushes?
I was like, I'll just do my own eyebrows. Okay. I was like, I'm going to handle it. And I also was like, I'm going to put on...
what do you call like a highlighter a little bit where you know here okay you know how like every time sometimes you know you wake up and it looks like you've been hit in the face yeah by two softballs okay i was trying to come by that yeah like a concealer okay but like a highlighting concealer got it like i wasn't gonna do all concealer i was gonna do here yeah and maybe you don't put concealer all over oh it's a foundation what do you mean oh
I wasn't going to do foundation. Got it. I was going to do concealer on my little eyeballs and maybe like here. Okay. Like a little spot treatment. Yeah. Okay. And I was like, I'm going to do my eyebrows, but I haven't done this in a really long time because I just haven't put on eyebrows. I just kind of like stopped doing it. My bangs are kind of there. Yeah. I'm like, what are we going to do?
I don't have time for this. Okay. But I put on my eyebrows and I looked at every photo. I overdid the eyebrows by a lot.
Really? Had you not... Let's throw it up because we also want to talk about your tour. You're going on tour. It's officially... Tickets have dropped. Show us the photo of the... Okay, here's the thing. Are they overdone? Yeah. But they match your hair color, so it's not... I only will say they're overdone because I know what your natural eyebrows look like.
My natural eyebrows are... Crystal clear. Crystal clear. You look albino sometimes.
Kenny, I feel like it's really weird.
It's not. It's really weird. Nobody would notice. It's just. You don't think people are going to notice? No one's going to notice that. I promise. I think you're just looking because you don't. You're not used to them being that dark, but it's not that bad. I promise. It's nothing compared to the white face.
it's not bad i promise you that looks like a normal eyebrow really yeah you didn't overdo it that's all i needed now you have a feature do you know what now people can see where your eyebrows should be and she said the same thing but i knew i had to come here to work and ask you because i knew that you're not gonna lie to me yeah you're gonna tell it to me straight yeah one way or another they're fine they don't look bad tell us about your tour where are you going okay first of all don't scream at me tell me where you're going it's called a bit much i love the photos do you pop those photos up leah show these photos off
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Chapter 7: What discussions arise around the movie 'Carol' and its themes?
February 19th, I'll be in Kansas City. February 20th through 21st, I'm in Lawrence, Kansas. March 6th through 7th, I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona. March 13th through 14th, I'll be in New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans. NOLA. NOLA. New Orleans. Home of the jazz. Pianos. Jazz pianos. The jazz bars. Yeah. The Jazz Hands. Home of the Jazz Hands. March 20th through 21st, I'll be in Dayton.
Kentucky, AKA Cincinnati market. March 20th, 6th through 28th, I'll be in Seattle. And April 24th, I am in Boston. And these cities are pretty exciting. It's incredible. Where can they get tickets? RachelScanTheComedy.com. Thank you so much. I have these photos now that I'm like, I think the photos look amazing. Mike Felzone took the photos. They look great.
But I do now look at every photo and I think to myself,
The eyebrows. No, dude. They look fine. I promise you nobody would know. You sent me those photos and I didn't notice.
Well, I sent you the ones that were less noticeable. But can I go in Photoshop and lighten the eyebrows?
I think at this point, because you've talked so much about the eyebrows, that you need to go in and darken them even more. To make them more a bit much. I think it should go full Groucho Marx.
Yes.
I think go big with the eyebrows.
Can I do a tour where I get to wear that face mask?
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Chapter 8: How do the hosts engage with listener questions and advice on relationships?
I am Alexander Hamilton. Dude, I'm very excited for your tour. Thank you, dude. This is very, very exciting. I'm excited too.
I'm really excited to be back out there. I've been... Are you going to miss being with me on the road? Yeah. Sad. Yeah. We're not touring this spring. That's crazy. I know. This is the first time in like four years that we are not touring. Wait! I have to tell you something. Okay. Okay. I don't know if you know this, but I have officially secured my tickets. To what?
To go see Backstreet Boys at the... Shut the fuck up. What is it called? The Sphere. Holy shit. I know. I'm very excited. I want it that way. But guess what?
what i'm going with my brother and my sister-in-law love your brother i love my brother nobody loves their brother more than mackenzie goodwin well if you have a brother this cool you're gonna love him i'm just like i'm of the i'm of the belief system that you should low-key not like your sibling you should love them and be like what a weird bitch here's the thing i love my brother he's the coolest dude i know he's the nicest guy i've ever met i love this guy
I love this guy. I love this guy.
So you guys are going to go to see the Backstreet Boys?
We're going to go see the Backstreet Boys. You and your plus ones? Yes. We're both going with. So Erica and Molly are coming with us. And we, Molly, who is like, you know, the straight woman of the group. Yep. Is like, well, we all have to dress up. Okay. We all have to wear white outfits. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that's a thing. Cool. Everyone goes, you wear a white outfit.
Mm hmm.
So I ordered my white outfit. I found one. I loved it. Ordered it. I got it. It came in. Rachel, I look like a cult member. I look like actually like the leader of a cult. It is way too big. I'm swimming in it. It looks like a muumuu over a pair of long flowy pants. It sounds like a sari. You're describing Indian clothing. I might have accidentally ordered a white sari.
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