The Parts We Can't Erase
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What is the background story of the hosts and how did the blended family form?
This is an IHR podcast. Guaranteed human. So Lola and I met like maybe I don't know God, ten years ago? Mm-hmm. Oh my god, I don't even think I've actually said the number. I was married. For eight years and uh she was the mistress, I was the wife.
I did not know this.
Yeah. I wouldn't
remember
that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's that's how and then eventually she has a she has a daughter, Ocean, who's five, with my ex husband, and then I have two kids. And so we're one happy, blended family. My
second baby, um, I conceived via sperm donor. So she's just mine.
Wow. And she looks oddly
like Amber. Which
is great. I love it. She's my top. Full circle moment. Yeah. Just totally solidify the extended family. So that's the
background of an unlikely affair.
Hi Amber. Hi Lola. Welcome to an unlikely affair.
Dr. Hilary Goldshear. Welcome to An Unlikely Affair.
Thank you. Thank you guys for having me. We're so
excited to have you. So excited. So I did a lot of therapy starting like after I had my first baby. I remember my OBGYN, Doctor Katz, said You know, I was like, I'm not feeling great. Like he's like, How well have you ever done therapy? And I'm like, No. He's like, Okay, call this woman. And is this
postpartum?
Yeah. Okay. I had a little postpartum. And so I w I did therapy for like 10 years. And then finally, like after my divorce. I was like no more ther I cannot do therapy anymore. It was just became like s I felt like therapy didn't save my marriage and I think that that's a lot of probably a misconception that a lot of people have. Like I need a therapist to fix this problem and I would love for you to talk a little bit about like purpose of therapy, how you define therapy for people.
Yes. But it's such a good question as it relates to couples work because one of my core conceptualizations as a couples therapist is the notion that my goal is not necessarily to keep a family together, sadly, painfully. Worthy of much grief. But my goal is to help the family system assess whether or not it's emotionally safe
to
stay together. And guide them. one way or the other. Of course, it is not my opinion. It is my assessment after working together with a family and understanding all the dynamics. And my goal is to hopefully guide the family system to decide themselves and either keep them together with peace, love and health or help them separate with peace, love and health and Grief and support and guidance and so I think it is a misperception that therapy is somehow like failing if it doesn't keep you together. But the best couples therapist helps a family come apart.
Wow. See, I I did I wish someone would have explained that to me in my twenties and who knew if I would have like understand it differently. But having that little disclosure before you even enter into therapy and say, listen. This is the purpose because I feel like a lot of times you just walk in and they're like, Tell me what's going on. You know, tell me a little bit about yourself. And then they dive in. But having a full like understanding of the purpose of sitting down and paying someone, because let's be honest, therapy's fucking expensive, especially in Los Angeles and like all these bigger cities. A lot of insurance. don't pay for it or a lot of therapists don't accept insurance because it's a lot of money fighting, getting the money and then you get a super bill, it's the whole thing.
So I feel like there has to be a very It has to be purposeful work when you go into therapy.
Having a paradigm? helps ground everyone and having a version of an objective. I mean, it's a fine line we walk as therapists. We want the space to be open and free and allow for safe feelings to be expressed. But uh it is okay to want to identify an objective and have ideas about what you want to get out of it and talk about it and self-advocate even to say like I'm confused about what we're doing here or what our goal is or where we're headed or it feels like we keep talking about the same things. All of those things are clinical material for the therapist to work with, but also part of self-advocacy.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the background story of the hosts and how did the blended family form?
0:00–5:36
2
How does Dr. Hillary Goldsher define the purpose and limits of therapy?
5:36–12:24
3
Why does a couples therapist aim to assess safety rather than keep a relationship together?
12:24–18:00
4
What are the practical steps for setting clear goals and self‑advocacy in therapy?
18:00–24:13
5
How can anxiety be reframed and “micro‑dosed” to build tolerance for social situations?
24:13–29:50
6
When and why might medication like SSRIs be considered for trauma‑related anxiety?
29:50–34:30
7
What is “integration” of painful parts and how does it help move beyond grief?
34:30–39:39
8
How can couples navigate new relationships, blended families, and therapy after divorce?
39:39–45:44