Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Brobs. I'm Ronnie Karam and here I am with the gorgeous Ben Mandelker, my co-host today. My internet life partner, my BFF. Hi, Ben. How you doing? Hi. I'm great, thanks. How are you? I'm doing good. It's Real Housewives of New York Day, so that's always a good time for me, Ben.
Oh, it's such a good time for all of us. Now, it's time for Real Housewives of New York. Real Housewives. I know this is going to be a good episode because the previously is narrated by, not narrated, but introed by Dorinda.
and she's trying to sound like carol which is really weird she's like did you ask her into to do this after 20 packs of cigarettes it's like they just woke dorinda up off the ground somewhere we're like will you record this yes she is like hung over she got wasted last night in boutique and she is not ready to do her voiceover work and there's a producer sitting in her bedroom holding up
her yellow plate, it's being like, it's sunshine, it's sunshine, wake up. I fell for it again. Sunshine plate. I was cracking up even before basically the show started for sort of the same reason, because they're showing previously on Real Housewives of New York, and they're showing all this stuff, and they show Luann, the police footage of her being arrested, you know, when she's like,
She's like, why? Why? Why? Why? You know, it's like, you know, she's in the police cruiser right now. And the cop literally like has his arm up on her chest and is like, listen, listen, lady, I'm going to hog tie you if you don't stop. And then it cuts directly to like the opening credits, like this casual lounge music. Like literally from I'm going to hog tie you if you don't stop to.
Success in New York is only a matter of your high heels or whatever they say, you know? I love how they cut from Luann to Luann because they have Luann going, what is this Nutcracker situation? Like right into her being in a cop car. I was like, whoa, what did happen with that Nutcracker? What happened between Nutcracker and, you know, jail?
Did she steal it from El Chapo or is she like transporting something for him in there? El Chapo's a nutcracker. Let me tell you, that guy is a nutcracker. That's no joke. I'll tell you, Countess and Friends includes so many different people. We have Cheyenne Jackson. We have Bernadette Peters. El Chapo. Amy Phillips. El Chapo. Here to sing a wonderful Ranchero song is El Chapo.
What do they call those songs that are about those Ranchero songs that are about drug dealers, there's a specific genre that is, you know what I'm talking about? They're called the Nutcrackerays. Nutcrackeros. El Nutcrackero. I'm learning Spanish on Duolingo. It's called El Nutcrackero. Los Nutcrackerosamos. Am I doing it right? Three, two, one. El Nutcrackero. El Nutcrackero.
Give me a nut, give me a cracker, but never give me a nutcracker. One, two, three, hit it, boys. Why? Hey, officer, don't hog tie me because I'm going to crack your nuts. Hashtag L Nutcracker-o. Three, two, one. I'm going to hog tie your nuts with my nutcracker. Three, two... Well, it makes me laugh every time. Okay, so we open. Her totally indelicate lyrics that don't even rhyme.
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Chapter 2: How does Bethenny launch her denim line?
I mean, you just dropped a salt shaker on your foot. Yeah, you have a salt shaker injury. You broke your foot with a salt shaker. He wasn't in a good place. He wasn't in a good place. And she goes, yes, well, she said she was self-medicating. And I did that. I was getting divorced. I mean, which are an RPM. I mean, I didn't hit anybody, but still, this is bad, bad. It's a bad thing.
The police were there, and that's bad, okay? This was an out-of-control situation that became public, and worse than that, the police were involved. That's bad. That's, like, so bad. It's, like, the worst kind of bad. It's, like, Michael Jackson. I'm bad. I'm Bad? You know it? I'm bad. Except it's about Luann. It's like Michael Jackson was like, Luann's bad. Luann's bad. And she knows it.
She's bad, okay? It's like the divorce, okay? It doesn't matter who won the divorce, who lost the divorce, who came in in a tie in the divorce, what the goalie was wearing at the divorce. Like, it's not about your divorce, Ramona, okay? Self-medicating. After that divorce, I was addicted to using drugs. anti-aging cream. Just couldn't stop using it on myself. Self-medicated.
If it weren't for that divorce, I wouldn't look 20 years old. You know what? Sometimes God stops what you're not recognizing and needs to stop. I'm like, yeah, sort of like a salt shaker falling from on high onto your foot and breaking it with supernatural powers. God's telling you to lower your salt intake. Yeah, I think if ever there was a sign from God, it was your
crystal fall about a salt shaker plummeting from the heavens and splitting your foot in half so durina's like uh he had a party in the same place they had their catch me party did you go and ramona's like no uh no no music's like you fucking liar the music's like she's doing felix the cat eyes like like left right left right no no I wasn't. Yeah, I spent my New Year's Eve.
I'm doing like Dorinda and Ramona. Whoa, this is crazy. I spent my New Year's Eve at my friend. Calm, calm, calm. He had a great party. I mean, I saw him. I ran into him a lot. Well, not him, but his penis possibly. I don't know. Something happened. And Jordan's like, who would go to that party where you know you're going to see him? Only a lowlife would go there.
And the music's like, Ramona went there. Ramona went there. Ramona's just sitting there like. Ramona just like has like a Christoffel salt shaker in her hand. She's like, do I do it now? Do I do it now? She's just going to bash. She won't ever think, okay.
You know, Ramona is just a full, you know, Ramona is just full of lies when Ramona's quiet because Ramona is never, Ramona talks through church. Like she is never quiet. Well, everyone's eating crackers. Why aren't they eating so many crackers? Don't they realize that Cobb's a bad few? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I can't have this communion wine. Is it Pinot Grigio? I don't think so.
Speaking of crackers. It's like, oh, geez. Okay, so Beth and Bethany and Carol. Wait, Bethany and Carol. You know what? Oh, no. Bethany's in the car. I just wrote Beth car, and that's what I write for Carol, too. No, Bethany was just talking. Now she's talking about Luann being right. She's like, well,
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Chapter 3: What are the consequences of Luann's prison stint?
Okay. Okay. We get to see a clip of that again. And it's hilarious. And then Dorinda's like, Well, you know, we were in a good place until the Nutcracker. Yeah. And now Dorinda has been riled up about this Nutcracker thing where now she's like upset about it but trying to act like she's not upset. But she's really upset. She's like, thank you. Thank you. You know.
But what was funny is ā oh, I guess it was later. Never mind. I'll get to it later. I don't need this kind of negativity in my life, okay? I don't need that. I could be alone. It's like you hurt yourself with a salt shaker. You cannot be alone, okay? We know what happens to you when you're alone. You're stabbing yourself in the hands. You're dropping, like, heavy salt shakers on yourself.
The last person that ever needs to be alone is you, okay? Yeah, exactly. And Ramona goes, what a bunch we are.
bunch okay so then speaking of what a bunch they are we then go to sonia she is in basically a hazmat quarantine of like plastic drapes on her bed because her apartment's going through renovations but it looks like someone came in and it's like okay you have ebola so you just stay on your bed until we get this all sorted out yes it's like the poisonwood bible or whatever yeah she's in bed it's like e.t.
Yeah, it is. So she's like, my God, I'm so allergic to all this dust. Oh, I'm going to be staying with Tinsley because I'm allergic to dust and mites. Oh, I can't find my underwear, but that's okay. Oh, three bucks. I've got three bucks. And then she's smelling her underwear and piling them up and just going through her bills.
And I just love that Sonya is like having a one woman show in every scene that's her. I know she doesn't even need her facials to come in anymore. She's just on that bed with a variety of like random items that she's either sniffing or touching. I was like, this is literally a view of, of, of Sonya as a homeless lady.
Like I am seeing her right now, like with these plastic things up, she looks like she's in her, like her own little tarp tent, you know? And I'm not trying to be like insensitive to the situation, but like what I'm seeing right now is I feel like I'm looking at a woman on the street just like rambling and and going through random, like, pieces of, like, trash. Not trash, but, like, little items.
Yeah, it's like you're getting a look on the inside of a tent city, you know, because she's literally in, like, a plastic tent in her bed.
She's in a plastic tent, like, picking up random things, sniffing them, like, inhaling, like, giving herself tinctures, which I don't think that's necessarily, like, a common homeless thing to do, but, like, you know, like, she's, like, spraying stuff in her mouth, and, like, it was just, it was intense. So good. It's like a one-woman show, the Sungina monologues.
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Chapter 4: How does the cast react to Luann's arrest?
Which way do I go?
I wish I had one of those, like, beeper things that Ramona has. Wait, left, right, huh, no, no, side, side, shuffle, backwards, forwards, square dance. And then one of her, what's the matter, what's going on, what's happening, ladies? It's like, Bethany, you look marvelous. Now look here. People can walk down Skinny Girl Alley, Beth. Skinny Girl Alley.
It's an alley made of mirrors where people can see how good they look on their skinny girl jeans, Bethany.
Yeah.
And if you're too big, then you don't deserve to be in this party anyway, because you can't fit down Skid Row Alley. It's a way to weed them out. Well, she got in a little trouble, too. Well, not trouble, but like social media trouble, which I guess she's used to. But when she said she was coming out with skinny girl jeans, everyone was like, oh my God, how dare you fat shamer?
You know, it's like the most inappropriate label to put on jeans. And so she's very careful in this episode of being like, oh my God, we got size zeros. We got size three thousands. Like seriously, no one is too fat for my jeans, okay? All right, let's try it. Bring the fattest person you know here and we'll put them in jeggings, okay? Yeah.
So Tinsley shows up, and she's trying to order a drink from the bartender, and she was like, do you have any red wine?
No. White wine? No.
He's like, well, we have a lychee martini. She's like, perfect. I don't know why. She's just very excited about that lychee martini. She was like, oh, my God. Dale's just sitting there on the phone being like, what'd he say? She could put it on speaker. I want to hear it. What'd he say? I'll tell you what, Tinsley. That Forrest Gump was right. You never know what you're going to get.
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Chapter 5: What humorous moments arise during the recap?
I'm single. But you're young. You're young. Yeah. And he's, like, too lazy to even make a man bun. He's got, like, a man, like, I don't know. Spaghetti pile. Yeah. Yeah. Like a ribbon. It's tied like one of those ribbons that you wear for, like, breast cancer or AIDS or whatever. Like that little ribbon shape. I'm like, lazy. So Dorinda and Tinsley are talking.
about luann and during this thing i'm not gonna say it's all coming but you know you open the cabinet and boom it's on your foot she's like what are we talking about lou you know what lou does she goes back to the crime scene she's a crime scene goa oh my god is that a thing a crime scene goer she's a crime scene goa yeah she goes she's a return to the crime scene go you know those people who are arsenics
I was like, what? I think you mean arsonists. I don't know what she's talking ā I was trying to figure out what she's talking about. You know the old ā you don't want people who wear old lace, you know, arsenics and old lace. There's a good crime scene. They're like a return to the crime scene goer.
I like how she just like ā I like how she creates a new category of person like in a very indelicate way. It's like, you know those people who love making left turns? Yeah, left turn people makers. Yeah. That's what they're called. Why don't you return to your left turn? Go to the breakers!
And Tinsley's like, well, I think she might have looked like she was okay, but then she got so drunk and she wasn't okay. And Palm Beach is the smallest place on Earth, and she's coming in and out as possible. When Tinsley said, Palm Beach is one of the smallest places on this Earth. I was like, okay, Tinsley, just relax. It has an airport, all right? So, like...
And I guess now would be a really good time to mention that we're bringing Watcher Crappens to Palm Beach. So, yes, I guess you could say that we're crime scene goers, too. West Palm Beach. There is a difference. I think we are actually. We are in West Palm Beach, sir. I think the comedy club is in Palm Beach. It's in West Palm Beach. Palm Beach Improv. And you know how I'm going to find out?
I'm going to go right now to Watch What Crappens. I'm looking right now. Palm Beach Improv. Let's see. I thought it said West Palm. You're right. It's West Palm. That's right. I wouldn't be going to Palm Beach. What am I, a monster? How could I be so silly to think that we'd be in Palm Beach? But you know we are going to go to Palm Beach. We're going to take the Luann Tinsley tour there.
of Palm Beach. We're going to cross that bridge. A bridge over Tinsley Water. Yeah. We're going to be there in August, everyone. So if you want to come relive, recreate, be a crime scene rego or recapturer with us, go to waterparkrabs.com and get tickets. So Bethany comes over and Dorinda's like, look, how many of us have had it that night? Well, we wake up like, what did I do?
And Bethany goes, yeah, you did it, Tinsley. Like, you did it. And Cincy's like, there is a difference. She hit a cop and she slipped out of handcuffs. And Beth's like, oh my god, I love that. That's amazing. Everyone's just obsessed with the fact that Luanne got out of her handcuffs. I love that the listeners are obsessed and her cast members are obsessed with it. That is hilarious.
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Chapter 6: How do the hosts analyze the dynamics between cast members?
It was my bad. And she actually was like fully like, no, I should not have ā I talked too much. I misjudged the situation is basically what she's saying. But she keeps saying, I'm allowed. I'm allowed. Okay? Like, I'm allowed to say that. And so Carol, she goes, but look, Carol, I love you. Like, seriously. Like, it's Christmas. And I texted you and I sent a picture of us.
And I said, you know, like, I miss you. And then you said, it's a lot. And she goes, you said that's what happened. That's not what actually happened. And she goes, so what happened? And then Carol just kind of rolls her eyes because Bethany's like, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, commercial!
So we come back, she's like... And also, I just want to say, before going down this path a little bit, that Carol says that she doesn't like that Bethany saw Adam's actions in a negative light. What... She doesn't...
because bethany says that the way adam acted that it rubbed her the wrong way and carol says that she doesn't like that bethany thought that adam's action saw adam's actions in a negative light and then talked to everyone else about it so she hasn't she feels like bethany went and just like yammered and talked shit about adam to everyone and she's like well i got to la and i opened my phone and you've got all these texts and you're like why are you mad and ramona's a terrible person and all this
And I said, this is not a conversation for tax. And then you just kept taxing and taxing and taxing. Which is so Bethany. She's like, what? I just said, I love you. And it's like, of course she didn't. She called. It's like 10 pages of text just ranting like a crazy person. I love that she just annoyed the fuck out of Carol. Carol's like, what's going on? I miss you.
And then she's just ranting about Ramona. And Carol's like, can we just talk about this when we get back to New York? I can't right now. And then I like Carol goes, she had no respect for what I just said. I'm like, okay, well, yeah, I guess she didn't because you said, can we talk about this later? But like,
You know, if someone keeps texting you after you say, I can't talk right now, you just be like, ugh, they're being annoying. Don't be like, they have no respect for me and for my boundaries. Like, take a seat. Okay, Carol. Yeah, calm down over there. She's like, I'm going to write an article about this in Vogue. Or whatever.
So now Carol starts saying that she's mad that Bethany said that she looked sad. When Carol left Bethany's Christmas party, when Bethany was like, she looked sad. So Carol's like, I didn't like that. And Carol's like, I was ā I would never tell Ramona that you look sad about your breakup with Dennis. I'm like, even though you ā but you did ā sorry, I'm getting twisted in my own logic.
She's saying if it were me, I would never be like, oh, you look sad. You look sad. I'm like, but when you walked out of the party with Dorinda, you were like, wow, she didn't thank you. I'm like, so you would do something like that. Yeah, they're all hypocrites, and I love it. And Bethany's like ā I'm not allowed to say that? What, do I have a gag order? Like, seriously?
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Chapter 7: What insights do the hosts share about friendship conflicts?
And then I ended up in the hotel. We had a wedding luncheon. Why did I do that? Then I went to a shoe store where I sat down and I was like, hey, I remember sitting in this exact space to try on some Crocs with Tom. There was a crosswalk. We wouldn't wait for the light to blink. And I walked across the crosswalk without waiting for the light to blink. Why? I went into a yogurt land.
It was the same yogurt land that Tom and I used to go into. And I used the exact same nozzle to pull the exact same flavor that I always get at yogurt land. The same ones with Tom. Why? Why? I watched Friends on the plane. That's what I did with Tom. Why would I do that? I sat on the aisle. I always sit on the aisle. Why? Last time I sat on the aisle, I was with Tom. Why? Why?
Not to mention, the aisle. Oh, my. I went to Dave and Buster's by myself. I did skee-ball. I always did skee-ball with Tom. Why would I do that? What a mistake. So Dorinda's like, well, because Luanne's like, oh, all these emotions. They just came flooding back. Too much for me to handle. And Dorinda's like, don't ever go back to Palm Beach. That is not a vacation destination for you anymore.
No more Palm Beach. What about West Palm? No! Uh, well, I was trying to drink out of, drink out the emotions, you know? I knew I needed help, and I hit a wall. I wish it hadn't been a brick wall. What am I, the Kool-Aid man? Three, two, one, here's a brick wall. I hit my head hard on the brick wall. Kool-Aid brick wall. Wow.
And then before you knew it, the piano man switched into a montage we hadn't even practiced. Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do when they come for you, eh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna slip out of my handcuffs and sing! Three, two, one. El Nutcracker, Nutcracker. El Nutcracker, Nutcracker. Did you notice Dorinda's iPhone? No.
So she, you know, she's talking to Luanne, so it has her You know, like, when you call someone on an iPhone, at the top, it'll say, like, Ronnie Karam. But if I have, like, two entries, contact entries for you, let's say I have one that says, like, Ronnie Karam and one that says, like, Flip It, you know, from TVgasm. If you call me, it would say Ronnie Karam or Flip It.
So on hers, it said Luan de los Eps or Luan de los Eps. And it, like, Couldn't even fit on the screen. It said L-U-A-N-N-N-A-D-E-S-S-S. Like one word. Like clearly the first time that Dorinda ever met Luan, she just mashed in these letters. Like L-U-A-N-N-N-N-A-D-E-S-S-S. Yeah, that's fun. Good. I mean, it probably counts. Well, I hope that's not her ice contact.
They'd be like, what the fuck is this? Like, what? Let me tell you something. Now that I'm a jailbird who's So I'm in the coop. I'm now in rehab and trying to avoid all these zombies in these 28 days while I'm here. I have to say it was hard. The hard thing was calling my children and being like, no taco Tuesday this week. I'm in jail.
And then I had to call my mom and... My mom hasn't been this disappointed since I did a news story in a Big Lots parking lot. I'll tell you, this is rock bottom. You can't get worse than being arrested. This is rock bottom. I'm like... It can get a lot worse than being arrested, probably. Yeah, give it time, honey. Give it time. So she's like, well, I'm reconnecting.
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