The Man Behind Attachment Styles Explains Secure Love
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Dr. Amir Levine, your book, Secure, you have said something that is going to drive relationship experts mad.
What does Dr. Amir Levine mean by saying relationships don't need boundaries?
I can think about a couple of things.
That relationships don't need .
Oh, that one, yes.
Can a secure attachment style shift to an insecure one?
I love that one. That's big. From an attachment perspective, I find that
How did Dr. Amir Levine's childhood influence his views on attachment?
Hey there, before we begin the episode, I just want to say thank you for choosing We Need to Talk. Doing this podcast is one of the greatest joys of my life, and I want to continue to share it with you. So hit follow and the bell icon.
What is Dr. Amir's attachment style with different people in his life?
It takes just a second and it helps us to continue to grow this podcast.
So now you said a secure love is an open love, right? And I think this does lead to, I think, one of the hottest takes in the book. You have said something that is going to drive relationship experts mad in this book, right?
What strategies can parents use to raise a secure child?
And you know what this is? What is it?
What memorable conversations have shaped Dr. Amir's perspective?
This is... I can think about a couple of things.
Oh, yeah.
How can a secure partner reshape our worldview?
Well, actually, which... Well, let me... I'll go to mine. Okay, okay. that relationships don't need boundaries?
Oh, that one, yes. I love that one. That's big. Okay, okay, yeah, no. And I even write in the book that I'm sort of like, that sometimes I like to rattle people. So I will say, because that's how we learn and it makes us think. And as a scientist, I've always learned to challenge my thinking and By all means, I'm open to change my mind and to give me information so I'm really open. But the way that I see things now is that as an attachment person, coming from an attachment perspective, I find that it's like a couple's dance. You know, the walls of the tango where you take a step forward, they take a step back. There's like this... it sort of moves seamlessly. And everyone, yeah, you may step on one another and then you correct and you sort of correct your steps and you learn how to do it better.
But it's different than saying, no, I'm drawing a line in the sand here and you can cross it. It creates a disconnect in the relationship. I mean, you could say, hey, this is really important for me. Like, how can you make it work? It's not like usually boundaries like, okay, this is what I need. And if you can't meet that need, then too bad. But that leaves the other person on the outside.
Right. Because the way that you phrased it to me sounded like an ultimatum. If you can't meet this need, I'm done, or there's this consequence, versus this is my standard, this is what I require. So for example, let's say we're in a marriage. We need to have date night every week in order for me to feel connected to you.
Why is that a boundary? I don't see that as a boundary. That's like an ask. It's an ask. It's a beautiful ask. Okay. I mean, I guess it depends. From a secure point of view, it's a beautiful ask. If you avoid it, it's like, what? What do you have to mean?
That's true. And anxious, that could be a boundary.
But let me give you an example. So here's a good example of what Allahi's like, oh, we need to have a date night. But someone avoiding it's like, I don't know. But then if you're like from a secure environment, you know, you know, like she doesn't really like to sit across from me and it feels too intense. Maybe we can go maybe and that's actually been shown that maybe we can go on a hike together. Who says a date has to be in a restaurant in a noisy environment? Maybe that's how they can feel closer. And it's like, oh yeah, I'd love to go on a walk even more often. So that's the difference. It's usually like, no, I need to have this. where the solution comes from trying to work with both of your biology to find what actually is the most effective rather than this is what I need and I need you to sort of come to this restaurant and sit across from me and talk to me.
Okay, I like it, I like it. So just to be clear, Are you saying that if you are secure as an adult, but you are in a close relationship with someone who's anxious, someone who's not secure, and your environment perhaps is not secure, that you could actually shift from being secure to... Oh, 100%.
Okay. Yes, of course. And you can also shift to being not secure, but secures are amazing.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–0:09
2
What does Dr. Amir Levine mean by saying relationships don't need boundaries?
0:09–0:15
3
Can a secure attachment style shift to an insecure one?
0:15–0:26
4
How did Dr. Amir Levine's childhood influence his views on attachment?
0:26–0:40
5
What is Dr. Amir's attachment style with different people in his life?
0:40–1:15
6
What strategies can parents use to raise a secure child?
1:15–1:17
7
What memorable conversations have shaped Dr. Amir's perspective?
1:17–1:21
8
How can a secure partner reshape our worldview?
1:21–26:35
Speakers
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