Chapter 1: Why doesn't Bert's dad find him funny?
So my dad doesn't find me funny. He does not find me funny.
Like in this moment or at all?
At all.
Okay.
Like he doesn't get me. So like I made him laugh. We went, this is a good wrestling story and I'm going to let you know that this will probably be in a special and it'll be a lot better. But you're getting the skinny story.
Oh, what's your story? Don't you dare be sour. Clap for Stephanie and feel the power.
The hardest thing about having blood clots is this.
You can't do that?
You can't cross your legs. Really? So in bed, I'm a big leg crosser.
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Chapter 2: What health issues does Bert discuss?
Did you ever change your name?
No, I didn't.
My daughters did.
Really?
Yeah, they don't go by Chrysler. They go by Chrysler. We talked to them. Really? In school, but in their mailing address, it's a different last name.
Wow.
It was creepy. A UPS driver pulled up. For delivery. And he was like, to Isla. And he was like, Isla Kreischer? She was like, yeah. And he's like, Isla Kreischer. The? Who put her finger in his ass and put it in the dog's mouth. And he was like, she's like, yeah, that's me. He's like, Isla Kreischer. That like, was with that Vietnamese family that went ziplining. She goes, yeah, that's me.
Isla Kreischer the one that had the period party? And she's like, oh, I get it. What is it? He's like, I have a package for you.
Yes, thank you, sir.
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Chapter 3: How does Bert's relationship with his daughters influence his decisions?
I mean, I sleep so good. Even without your feet crossed. That's the only thing that stinks.
I feel like we've got to uncross for him.
No, no.
It won't last. I'll just constantly cross. We're trying. Sorry. You can live vicariously through our...
I'll man spread okay the no I feel phenomenal and I'm my workouts are better and and uh you know when the doctor said to me when I got the blood clot for everyone doesn't know I found a blood clot my leg and then they I had blood clots in my lungs and which is the scary part so scary yeah and uh my daughter you caught them we caught we caught them which is the I mean you hear so many horror stories of people just dying instantaneously
And I have to say this, just so... I know we may touch on this moving forward, but our dog passed away instantaneously yesterday. Like, within two minutes, just on a couch and then dead. It was horrible. It was a horrible experience. I'm so sorry. That's okay. Thank you very much.
Izzy.
Izzy, yeah. Oh, the best goddamn dog. I don't... Let's... We'll save that if... Yeah. So, but what you think... You forget how precious life is. And then when they caught it, they're like, you know, this is great. You know, we got it. And so we're going to get you, we have protocol to help you get healthy. And so there's a moment where you get this CAT scan and they find the blood clots.
And there's a moment where you wait. There's a lot of moments in a hospital. When they roll you past everyone to go to the CAT scan and you're like, thank God I'm not them. And then when they roll you back and you're like, I'm worse than them. That's the weird part. And then there's the moment where you don't know what's happening. And then they come in and they're like, good news.
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Chapter 4: What humorous story does Bert share about Christmas gifts?
Oh. Yeah. And so I'm a negotiating type of person.
Right.
And so I was like, okay, cool. Six months. And I go, can I drink on them? And the doctor's like, no. And I was like, nothing at all? Not at all. She's like, I just said no. And I was like, no, I'm saying like on what scale of no is that? Not just the weekends. Yeah, yeah. She was like, what are we talking? She goes, do you need to drink? I go, that's an open-ended question.
I go, do I need to drink? Can you put it in my IV right now? I was like, yeah, wait, what are we talking about? Like, my family's coming over? It's a Sunday night. The sunset, the witching hour.
What are we talking about? The sunrise I saw also.
Oh. Yes. And so she goes, no. And I said, okay, well, then I can do that, but can I smoke pot? She goes, you have blood clots in your lungs. I was like, okay, can I eat edibles? And she looked at my wife. She goes, what are we doing? She's like, you have blood caught in your legs and your lungs. There's nothing. I need you to be 100% clean.
So what happens if you fall?
That's the big... So of course I got a second opinion. There's no way I'm going to fucking listen to this ER doctor.
What do they know?
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Chapter 5: What challenges do pet owners face with their dogs?
And he's like, he really does. He wrecks everything. He takes everybody out, clips you right at the knees. I mean, he's brutal. And he wakes me up at least twice in the night to go outside.
For real? For real.
He's a baby still.
Do you sleep in bed with him?
They are not allowed in our beds.
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Chapter 6: How do pets bring joy and unconditional love to families?
They're too big. We were sleeping with all the dogs in bed at one point. Three dogs and a cat.
That must be fun.
Oh, I loved it. I loved it. But you'd roll over and you'd grab onto anything. I can't imagine a life without a dog.
Yeah.
I can't imagine.
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Chapter 7: What humorous parenting stories are shared?
not having a dog, not having, they're so- Because it's just pure, unconditional love. Pure love. Like you come home and you have a crappy day and they're like- And they're like, hello. And their eyes, their eyes will be like, what's up?
Like heart eyes. Yeah. Our little puppy has like cartoon heart eyes when he looks at you like, the greatest thing in the world.
Every woman in my house got a cat. Everyone got cats. Everyone, Isla-
Chapter 8: How does Bert Kreischer reflect on family moments and life lessons?
Isla's therapist says get her a cat. We get her a cat. This cat, I hope Isla's not watching, is a piece of shit. I mean, it is Frankie is one person's cat. It is one person's cat. It is Isla's cat. It doesn't like anyone else. Yeah, and it gives you bitch eyes anytime it sees you.
Oh, yeah. I don't love cats.
I don't either. And then Georgia has a rescue cat that, like, To be honest with you, I think Leanne kidnapped a cat. We had a cat.
A rescue cat. A missing cat, but it's fine.
It's a poster. Can I tell you? It's a poster of that cat. So there's a cat that's coming into our neighborhood, into our house, into our yard, and it's always coming in. And it's got like a chip on it, like a tag, air tag. So it's coming in all the time. And there's coyotes in L.A. And it's just living in our front yard. It's not going home. It's just living in our front yard.
So Leanne's like, well, I'll open the garage door so it has a place to hide. So then it's living in our garage. So then Leanne leaves out food. I go, don't give it food. It's never going home. So then I go, you've got to find out whose cat this is. So Leanne takes the cat over to the neighbors and is like, hey, I think this is your cat. And, you know, they're not from this country.
So they're not like, they're like, it's a street cat. And they're like, what? She goes, it is everyone's cat, not our cat. It's street cat. And she's like, so it's a street cat? And he's like, yeah, it's street cat. Leanne's like, no, it's not. It's our cat. So the cat now lives with us.
Well, there you go. You got rid of that air tag.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, Leanne took off the air tag and was like, welcome home. By the way, I'm changing your name.
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