Ali Shahalom

The website says it could take up to three weeks for them to arrive.

Brother, I'm now in a race against the Home Office, the Saudi Ministry of Hajj and my bank balance.

They're all halfway down the track and I'm still trying my shoelace.

Hodge tickets are divided into economy, premium and luxury packages.

The biggest difference between the tiers is where your accommodation is located.

If you pay top dollar, you'll likely end up just a couple of minutes from each ritual site, while the cheaper packages will have you training for London Marathon.

In a nutshell, same hajj, different step count.

Telegram will tell us when the packages will drop.

Then it's fastest fingers first to purchase.

Forget who wants to be a millionaire, this is who wants to be a haji haji.

I gotta click that checkout button before tens of thousands of other British Muslims.

Bro, do I need to up my broadband speed?

Imagine your place in paradise is jeopardised because Virgin don't do fibre optic in your area.

Thankfully, I'm at least able to cross one problem off my list.

My parents' passports arrive.

That felt like the best thing to come out of the home office since Priti Patel's P45.

Now we wait for the packages.

Days become weeks and weeks become a whole month.

Still nothing.

It's now Ramadan.