Allison Holker
speaker
558 appearances
4 recordings
3 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Feb 2025
Allison Holker’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person.
I think it was a very big turning point for him. I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. There was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped. I will always celebrate Steven. I think he was a wonderful person, and I'm really sad what he went through.
But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision. And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through.
But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Can you talk about the tree emoji the night before he died? This will be something I will always be confused about.
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords. I don't have a bank account shared with him. I never had. I wouldn't even know how to...
look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something i just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is you know his locations have you looked at his bank accounts i was like i don't have access to any of it on the third day after he passed you were cuddling your daughter zaya and you say stephen paid you a visit
Yeah. And said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Stephen's face faded away. I felt a lot more settled. I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled that he was watching over us.
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us.
Have you talked to God about this? I know a lot of people, when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
He's really proud of my children. And I do think he's proud of me. He's told me he is. And he wanted me to do this. I was so scared that is this the right choice? Because I hope people read the messaging of what I really want this to be.
Yeah.
And he told me to move forward with it.
Steven would be Steven with our family, and then he'd be Twitch for the people. Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through, and same for him, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day. And I see so much beauty behind it. And he was the same way.
We had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And, you know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day. I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know.
I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
He didn't want to be hanging out with friends anymore. I would be inviting people over. He'd be like, I really want people coming over. A lot of people might hear that and be like, so why would you do this? And also they could say to me, why didn't you see it better? It's like, but you justify things when you're with someone because I loved him so much. I was like, it's okay.
I sometimes think he doubted himself so much if he deserved that love because he was receiving so much of it that he thought he had to outpour it. Just give it to as many people as I can. To make him almost convince himself maybe that would make him deserve the love. That, yeah, you have to learn for yourself to understand that you deserve, you deserve so much love for who you are.
And you don't have to earn any of it. You can just receive it.
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