Allison Holker
speaker
558 appearances
4 recordings
3 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Feb 2025
Allison Holker’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
I am the best version of myself that I've ever been. I'm a stronger version of myself. I'm a happier version of myself.
And it's because I can honestly look back on my life and say that I have left it and lived it through integrity and honesty, authenticity, and I have carried my beautiful children with me, lifting them up, having honest conversations with them, still seeing the beauty of life no matter what is thrown my way. And I'm really proud of that. Be the mirror.
and visualize a mirror in front of you because all the naysayers, all the hate, all the words, all the questions coming in at you are people doubting themselves and putting it on you. So that also helps.
What's interesting when you've gone through life in the way that we have, people get really scared to admit that. And I just want to yell it and scream it that I'm in love.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
It was devastating, very confusing. Like you said, three weeks before he committed suicide, we were celebrating that we wanted more kids. And the joke in our home was I gave him an option. Either he gets another kid or he gets the three Doberman Pinschers that he wanted to have. But I was like, you can't have both. You don't get three new dogs and a new baby.
And it was something that our family was joking about for months. I had told Steven I would love to have another kid with him, but he also was like, oh, I don't know. I kind of want to have these dogs though. And Wesley would chime in about it. Maddox would chime in. I was a little bit too young to really fully understand, but it would be like a casual talk at our dinner table.
Like, all right, what's the choice gonna be? Which is why we were so willing to talk about it on the Jennifer Hudson show. You know, they obviously vet questions. It's not like they randomly come up with these questions. They would talk. It was, what's something that's so funny that you guys are talking about in your house? And that was something that was coming from him.
You know, we also were actively looking at new homes at that time, you know, and he would be sending me pictures of homes and I'd be sending him pictures of homes and we'd be discussing like what we wanted and the best area to live in for our kids and their futures.
When you're doing those things and laughing about it and having so much fun and you're involving the children in on those kinds of conversations, to have him decide to make this really permanent decision to leave us was very confusing. there were no signs at that moment that we had seen. And I say at that moment because I had been with Steven for 13 years.
I started dating him when I was 22 years old and you know, all these little kinks that he had had that maybe I look back on now as maybe being signs of depression or maybe being signs that he had like really big lows happening in his life. At those moments, we kind of justified them because they had always been there. They weren't new things.
And so it was very confusing when he made that decision because we were blindsided. There had never been discussions in our house or individually with me or him being in therapy where there was big discussions happening that he'd been questioning.
these kinds of choices for himself or been so low that he needed to be in therapy or been so low with our family that we needed family therapy or been so low with me that he might need couples therapy there there had been no discussions or lead up to any sort of low happening in our family household to ever have seen anything coming this way um And I didn't believe it at first.
When the cops first told me what had happened, I did not believe them. I thought they had gotten the wrong person. And I was like, I was convinced that it was wrong. I was like, no, you guys don't understand. There's no possible way that this is my husband. and my kid's father. There's no way. I was like, you guys don't know him.
And it took a lot to impact that he made that decision, especially after a lot of the knowledge that I've grown over the last couple of years from discussing this topic with therapists and with crisis leaders and crisis teams, explaining that what they've said to me is that unfortunately, when he talked about shame in himself,
A lot of the shame he might've felt for himself was the hardest thing to learn is how sad he had been probably for so many years and covering it up that I also didn't know and couldn't have helped, that none of his family or friends knew that he was this low and couldn't have helped and that he was so sad and not willing to ask for help
And, um, to be a partner that you feel so like I, we had such a, I got such a beautiful relationship and one that was, I thought in enthralled with trust and love and joy. And no one has ever heard that from him ever.
You know, the people that were closest to Steven, we always actively talked, and he would in interviews himself, talk that he did have the two personalities. He was Steven to the closest around him, but then he also wore the face of tWitch. And being in entertainment, I've always heard about celebrities or artists wearing those faces.
You know, you hear about, I believe that Beyonce has one and she's like Salsa Fierce as well on the side. So you always hear about people that kind of take on these characters when they get on stage. And so I've never really seen it as anything, but wow, that's a really fun way of living your life.
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