Allison Holker
speaker
558 appearances
4 recordings
3 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Feb 2025
Allison Holker’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Like, you know, you get to be your stage performer, but then you get to be you, you know, behind closed doors with the people you love and care about the most. Yeah. And it's kind of like almost like a protective shield. And I always saw Steven doing that. Steven would be Steven with our family and then he'd be Twitch for the people.
And sometimes they would intertwine, you know, they would kind of veer back and forth in our home space. But Steven at home was extremely introverted and Twitch to the people was extremely extroverted. And what I've come to now learn about him is that those things can exist and be real, but sometimes I think he masked his lows when he was maybe dealing with his depression as Steven.
Like I need time to recoup my energy from being Twitch all day. And not just from exuding all this energy, which I thought it was like, oh, he's just tired. Like he just had a big day of putting on this extroverted energy that he just needs times to rest and like kind of recoup the energy back. But no, he was actually masking that he was actually really sad and depressed sometimes.
And maybe not every time, but some of the times it was actually his depression taking over him that he would mask that energy with.
And I think sometimes now when I look at depression or these traits that he had, I wish that he would have had help with therapy or someone he felt safe talking about the conflictions that he would have with himself and his personality and maybe learning better tools to keep some of himself full in his own cup instead of always trying to pour out into everyone else.
Stephen was someone that people...
trusted you you were in a safe place when you spoke with him and you could he would never judge you for what you were going through and that's what was so beautiful about him is he he opened his heart to anyone and everyone anything you were going through and and he would make time for you and he'd make space for you and he would just listen he was such a great listener and
And you would always walk away feeling so much better. And I know if he would have told himself the things I've heard him say to other people, he could have helped himself. But with that role he took on, I think he was really scared of people not wanting to do that anymore if he maybe was honest about what he was going through.
Mm-hmm.
Because then just knowing his personality and how much he loved that and cared for people and some of the things he's now said and things I have read that he's wrote, it's he feared if he wasn't that hero for other people and if he maybe was honest about what he was going through, maybe they'd question going to him.
Like maybe we would trigger him and we can't trust talking to him about it because maybe it would get him into a low. if we're honest with him about what they're going through. And he liked being that person for people. And that's why I do, I really believe that he always wanted to help people. Even in his lowest moment, he thought he was helping.
Yeah. I think I always grew up thinking that if I just power through and, and same for him, like if we're, we wake up and we say our gratitude and we say our affirmations and it really does pump you up. Yeah. That's why I'm saying I still do it to this day and I see so much beauty behind it.
And he was the same way we, we had like dry erase markers and we'd constantly be writing on our mirrors and writing stuff to each other to pump each other up. And You know, if we were tired or sad, we'd be like, oh, let's go read this book together. Let's listen to this podcast together. And we both loved that and generated so much of who we are from that.
And I still do think there's so much beauty in it, but we didn't have the balance of it. We didn't have the balance of it. I think we we also both enjoy our work so much and became such work heavy people. And he was such a work guru that I think in order to mask going through his deeper rooted feelings, I think he would keep himself busy.
And I as well, I can't say that I'm talking just about him, I do the same thing and I still struggle with that. It's just I'm trying now in my life to learn better tools of, you can be a positive person while also admitting that you're having a sad day.
Yes. You know, it's interesting because when it first started unfolding, I just thought it was like, it really pains me to say this because I wish I could have been a stronger person knowing signs when they were right in front of me, but I didn't know. But the hygiene thing to me is probably the biggest red flag.
And I honestly just was like, he's been working his face off for like 15 years straight. He's tired. He's like, let me just be a man laying in bed all day. Let me rest up. Because we knew that going into the next year, like after the Ellen show ended, we had like six months and he was still working all of that summer.
We knew we only had like a couple more months before we were supposed to have our biggest year of our lives with jobs. So I kind of just was like, oh, like he's just sleeping right now. He didn't feel like showering today because he didn't have to go to a set. Like we just kind of, and he would joke about it. Like he'd be like, I know, I'm sorry.
Or like, it was something that we were aware of, but we more painted it like, nah, you've got a couple more months before we got to get back in shape and get back into everything. And And we would discuss it. And he discussed it even in interviews and stuff that was like, yeah, like this is just my time to kind of sit back. And we kind of justified everything instead of like,
You know, I didn't have the tools learning about depression before as I never really thought it was something that we were going to have to deal with. So I didn't have the proper tools of really looking back and stepping back and seeing that, wait, this has maybe got a little bit carried away. Maybe there's something deeper happening here. Like the hygiene, he wasn't working out anymore.
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