Allison Holker
speaker
558 appearances
4 recordings
3 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Feb 2025
Allison Holker’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
I feel like his heart was never really in the same place when he came back. He still could find joy and he could still go day by day, you know, putting on his face and getting through the days. But there was something missing in his eyes. It just kind of feels like he opened something up to himself that he never healed and never fully escaped.
And I used to think they were weird quirks and weird things. And he would tell people that, yeah, I don't let her come downstairs, so I give her her morning coffee. And I used to laugh at it and be like, oh, ha, ha, ha, he's so sweet bringing me coffee. But really, why wasn't I allowed to come downstairs? Because he would be triggered if I came downstairs before. I'd be in trouble.
But as his wife, I just kind of thought, oh, it's cute. And it's his way of letting me know that I'm allowed to come downstairs. But now looking back, I'm like, well, that's I guess it's not really a normal thing in a relationship. And our kids also weren't allowed to go downstairs. There was like an order in which things had to happen for him to feel comfortable to start his day.
And at first I was like, oh, well, it's just kind of like our morning routine. Right. And now as I've come to learn and my own self-healing, learning that, oh, that's not normal. That's not okay. And I started to unpack a lot more of like, well, what were you doing in the morning? Why did you need to have that much time? What was going on? So it's, I think sometimes what I'm learning right now is
I will always celebrate Stephen. I think he was a wonderful person. And I'm really sad what he went through. But I also have to be careful because I can't celebrate so much of his choice. And that's a really fine line I have to walk as a mother right now is because they are very hurt by their father's decision.
And they have a lot of triggers that they have to be in therapy now to really work through. But what I am impressed with is that they are doing the work and they are putting in the time and they are finding joy in life and they are finding laughter again. But there's a lot to unpack for them that they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives.
Oh, this will be something I will always be confused about. So the night Steven, he came home. He was very triggered. He was very triggered. Me and Wesley were watching The White Lotus show. We loved that show. And he came in and I could tell something was wrong. Um, he had texted me earlier that night, a tree emoji, which was his way of telling me he was going to the dispensary.
Um, he didn't do it that often though, but if he was going, you know, either he told me, but I was with Wesley, so he probably didn't want to say to me that he was going. So sometimes he would use like a tree emoji or symbolism and text me. Um, but the reason that night it felt different was because the next day when he decided to take his life, he had been at the Oak Tree Inn.
And there was a tree that looked just like the emoji. And the dispensary was right across the street. And I've always wondered to myself, was he at the hotel already? Is that why he came home so triggered? Had he attempted and then got scared and then was too shameful to tell me? And I'll never know. But that night was very triggering for me. And it was very obviously triggering for him
But I'll never know. But that emoji will always kind of be a little bit of a scar for me.
When I went to the cops the first time, they wouldn't even let me in because I'm not sure what the rules are everywhere, but in LA, you can't report an adult missing shorter than 24 hours. So I had called and tried reporting and it wasn't working. I had ran there because I was like, this is just different. And they wouldn't even open the door to me to report him a missing person.
And I just knew something was wrong. I just, I knew this isn't my husband. He hasn't just not come home. He hasn't just like take off and, you know, miss dinner with my kids. He doesn't just do any of that. So I knew something was really, really wrong. And I was convinced he was hurt. I was convinced he had been in a car wreck or I didn't know.
I had no idea, but I was convinced he was in a hospital or he had been wrongfully arrested. But they wouldn't accept me for 24 hours. And then when I finally made the report, you know, now I look back and I'm like, unfortunately, these reports are probably being made, unfortunately, way too often than they should.
And so I now know that they were just doing their jobs, but it felt like when they were asking me questions, they were like, you don't, He's probably just ran away at a bar with friends, doesn't want to see you, you know. And it just felt like they were shoving this man away, like, you know. But really, you know, they were doing their jobs and they were doing a really good job.
But it just to me at the moment felt like you're not doing enough. You're not looking for my man. He's probably hurt and he might die in this moment that we're not looking for him. And to this day, I can never really express to someone trying to navigate how to find someone that you love so much and you don't know where to look. It's very scary.
We had had so much trust in our relationship that we never had ever had locations on our phones. I had never even looked at his phone. I don't even know what his codes are. I don't know any of his passwords.
I don't have a bank account shared with him I never had I wouldn't even know how to look at anything like that's how much in our relationship was just like if he told me something I just believed it and so when the cops were asking me all these questions well have you looked at his phone where is he knows locations have you looked at his bank accounts I was like I don't have access to any of it and to to me I look at that as being a trust thing the cops they were like
Why don't you have access to any of that? And so those things kind of trigger you when you're going through those things of like, I don't know why I would have those things. I never thought about it before. But really at the end of the day, the cops were a huge support system to me and they were really patient with me and kind to me and they were kind to my children.
And I'll always be forever grateful for the way they tried handling that situation with me.
When we lost our dog, Crypto, which was Stephen's best friend, it was a few years ago, and I remember the vet telling Stephen, and he came home and conveyed the message to me, our dog, Crypto, had a couple of times tried leaving our home and disappearing, and it's because our dog was very sick. And what the vet had told us was that
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