Allison Holker
speaker
558 appearances
4 recordings
3 series
first heard Jan 2025
last heard Feb 2025
Allison Holker’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
when animals feel sick that run in a pack, they don't want their loved ones to get sick with what they have. So they choose to leave and pass away with not taking any harm to their own family. And I remember that really sat really deep with me and Steven that like crypto left our home, not because he didn't want to be with us, but because he was almost trying to protect us.
And that moment came back to me when Steven passed away the way he did. and where he chose to leave. He didn't want to be too far away from us because he missed us and loved us so much, but he didn't want to be around us because he loved us so much.
Yeah. You know, I... I've always had dreams since I was young that sometimes come to life and I've had dreams that become very real. Two of my children named themselves in their dreams to me. I had seen Wesley and Wesley told me her name was Wesley well before she was born and Maddox I had seen in my dreams and someone else called him Maddox in my dream.
But I had seen my children in my dreams well before they were born. I believe in that. I believe that sometimes you can tap into future or past and present moments that are unfamiliar and bizarre. But if you study it and learn it and accept it, it can come to you. After Steven had passed, I hadn't slept in about four or five days, I think it had gone by at this point.
And my kids really hadn't either. And Ziya was crying hysterically and it was supposed to be nap time, but she just could not settle herself. She could not go to sleep. So I went into her room and I laid with her. And she's very, very little and she's still trying to comprehend what had just happened. And I laid in bed with her. And we both just held each other.
And then all of a sudden the room started shaking and my eyes, I closed my eyes, but I wasn't asleep yet. And everything started shaking in the room. And there was almost like the static you see on TV behind my eyes. It was like black and white static. And I saw three faces. And I don't know to this day what those other two faces were, but it was staticking between three different faces.
And then at the very end, I held onto one of the faces and it said, I'm so sorry. And I love you so much. I'm sorry. And Steven's face faded away. And then we both took a nap. It was the first time I had slept. And I think maybe one of the first times she had slept since everything had happened. And I woke up and I felt a lot more settled.
I wasn't fully healed or anything like that, but I felt settled. that he was watching over us and looking out for us.
Yes. There's been moments of Stephen visiting both Wesley and I multiple times. He still visits us and still talks with us. And, you know, there's been times though, it's been really beautiful and then there's times it's been a little scary. But I know we feel him and when we need him, we go talk to him.
And then there's also been unfortunate times we've been like, please give us some space on the flip side of that. And there's been times that we've been like, I would love to talk with you. I'd love to see you. I'd love to speak with you. But we know that he's watching over our family. I know that Steven always loved us and always wanted to protect us.
And in whatever way in his mind, he thought he was doing that. And I'll never fully comprehend and I'll never fully understand that that was his choice. And I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to forgive him, not for me, because I forgave him for me, but for my children that that was the choice he did. But in his heart of hearts, he thought that he made the right choice.
And my job now as the parent to these beautiful children is for them to know that this is not the way out. There are other avenues. There is therapy. There is help. There is talking to the right individuals. There's a support team around you that will help navigate the space with you. That the choice that he made is not the choice that we will make moving forward.
I always grew up in a religion with my family that I have so much respect for, but I had left it for a few years. And then I really wanted to go on my own journey of faith. And I was so blessed to find the Mosaic Church with Erwin McManus. He's my pastor and Beck and Joe. I absolutely adore them. And I've been going to that church now for years. I don't know, well over eight, nine years.
I absolutely adore it. They're my people. And I had brought Steven with me a couple of times and he kind of got into it. And Steven, when he was growing up, had bounced around a couple of different faiths with his family. And then he would go with me to the Mosaic Church. I think Stephen would say he was more of a spiritual person, more than a religious person.
He was always on a journey trying to find himself and become the best version of himself, which is why he did a lot of
reading and listening to podcasts and he always wanted to he always really was trying to be the best version of himself always so he was a deeply spiritual person he would pray he didn't read scriptures or bibles by any means that wasn't his choice but yeah he was a very spiritual being Have you talked to God about this? I have. I've talked to God. I've talked to my pastor. And
It's really hard because for me, I feel like in my heart, I've learned forgiveness and the complications and the complexities of everything. And I've never questioned God through it because I think a death like this is a little bit different. I think when people lose someone, when they're a person of faith, I believe sometimes they question God.
But I think when someone takes their own life, you don't question God in it, you question the person and why. So I think for my children and myself, we still believe that God is so beautiful and looking out for us and seeing us and representing us and being there for us. It's the person we question what they were going through.
Because I know a lot of people when they experience death, they question God. But this wasn't God's choice. This wasn't God's doing. He still wraps his arms around us and he still supports us. And he still sees us and he still sees my children.
I do. I believe that.
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