Clare Stephens

I'm trying to get better as I get older and as I maybe get my priorities right and realise that relationships are the most important thing in life, like all of that stuff.

And also as people go through more shit, like I'm very aware that you can't just be the reply-only friend when people are going through hard stuff.

You need to be reaching out.

But I will say I really agree with the point that I don't think it's about keeping tallies.

I have friendship dynamics.

where for better or worse it is understood that I'm the reply only friend and I'm the reply only friend but like I will show up.

So it's like I'll get the invite but I will show up and a lot of people don't show up to the invite so that's quite reliable that I will reply.

No, and I'm not going to take the initiative of, like, picking where to have dinner.

And this is the other thing.

There are intricacies.

It's like, so we should pick where we have dinner.

I'm bad at that.

I will make a horrible, horrible decision and everybody will have a bad meal, whereas somebody else might enjoy food.

Yeah, see, that's really, that is really good.

And that is what I'm trying to get better at is the kind of outreach and just letting people know I'm there, but I'm very, very bad at the making plans and the making a call and all of that.

But I also loved, Tig says later on, and it is a bit specific to the nature of her friendship breakdown, a line about people deserving a friend when they least deserve a friend.

That also goes for maybe times in people's lives where they've made horrible mistakes, where they've behaved badly, where they have said something stupid.

And what I found interesting about Tig's particular experience is the difference between when somebody has maybe exposed a character flaw or a difference of opinion and when that becomes a fundamental clash of values.

And I think that that is kind of underlying the conversation she's having more, whereas the reply-only friend is a bit more of the surface level.

Like the problem is whether there's a fundamental clash of values.